Black, Divorced & Virtuous

21 Day Weight Loss Challenge: Month 2, Week 2

2012-03-08T21:07:00.002-05:00

Fibromyalgia sufferers are in a complex situation where being fit helps manage the condition, while having the condition inhibits the sufferer from being physically fit. The21 Day Weight Loss Challenge is helping me reach a level of physicality that will hopefully reverse some of my symptoms. My body and morale feel better every day that I reach a new goal.

Today I cooked collard and kale greens with turkey, and made apple sauce in my crock pot. I also made sweet potato tots. I bombed on exercise, but I got some measurable activity in doing housework. Yes, it counts. I focused on increased water intake, and my fruit and vegetable intake is probably at an all time high. This is mostly because I am doing smoothies daily, and it is easiest to keep veggies on hand for snack binging. I may become a carrot or a black olive in about 3 more days. I have found that I like that combination of tastes.

Salad has always been my favorite food to eat, as anyone who knows me well can vouch. My second most favorite food type is anything that crunches; hence: carrots.

This is the second week of the challenge, and my goals are simple:

increase water intake
increase hours of sleep
increase daily exercise

At the end of week one my total points were 538, out of an approximate 805 possible. Not great, but not horrid.

I have some added variety for exercise options, and there are some limitations to what I can do! But as I continue on this journey, strength slowly but surely is returning to the left side of my body and I can do more and more.

Option 1:

I am participating in a challenge sponsored by Dustin Maher. I also received a complementary copy of the book Fit Mom's for Life.

Close the Door

2012-02-24T21:20:00.000-05:00

Divorce is not just an end. It also represents the beginning of a newly defined relationship of a love experienced by the grace of God, and we can move forward into new relationships; love with more intensity and more fervor. We are more experienced now at how to love. Healing is the process of walking through the hurt of disentangling from the chords that bind us together in unity. Going through healing we can realize more about the vastness of God's love, and the capacity of our beings to love repeatedly, in quantity and in quality.

Getting through divorce involves taking good care of yourself. Forgiveness is a major part of this care and of major importance in the healing process. I say this often - because forgiveness is everything. You have to forgive yourself, your ex spouse, and any other person you harbor unforgiveness toward, in order to achieve healing. However, I also want to emphasize how much we benefit from personal care during our healing process.

Whenever we suffer a traumatic loss, it is only natural that our defenses are down - everything from our immunity to disease to our emotional stability is at risk. Also, you are getting divorced for reason(s), so you might experience feelings of inadequacy or question your self worth. It's the most important time to make sure you take care of you and get the door closed on this episode of your life.

There is so much that we can do to take care of ourselves, and I encourage you to at least explore the available options.

Find a counselor who is licensed and trained to help you sort it all out. You can do this through your church home, or through your area mental health organization. Most work organizations have a discrete mental health component of health insurance that will guide you in finding a counselor who is right for yourself and/or your children. Take that step - you will be surprised how much it helps to have guidance from a trained outside source.
Start a new physical routine, even if it is just walking. The physicality of that will energize you, give your mind processing time, and provide your body with much needed exercise. A few weeks of even short walks, during 15 and 20 minute work breaks, will provide you visible results and mental clarity.
Talk to your doctor. Let your family physician know that you are going through a difficult transition, especially if you are having marked emotional or physical difficulties. Your health is a total package, and your physician will have valuable information and resources.
Write it out. Keep a journal or a video log. A great way to get all of those thoughts out of your head is to put them down on paper or record them. Journaling gives a great sense of clarity. You might even start blogging!
Pursue the experiences that bring relaxation and clarity. Read your bible more, pray, practice yoga. Practice wholeness lifestyle activities that have healing qualities.

Local to Columbus? VITALITY offers holistic tools to relax, unwind, refocus and recharge. You can even schedule your appointment on line, and though therapeutic massage, health counseling, meditation or natural medicine this center for well being plans to get you back to complete and total wholeness.

$700 Winter Blast of Cash Giveaway

2012-02-23T09:18:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the $700 Winter Blast of Cash Giveaway hosted by Giveaway Promote. A fantastic group of bloggers have gotten together to give away $700 in cash to one lucky person. Check out the list of participating blogs at the end of this post. Complete the tasks below to earn entries into this giveaway. One winner will be chosen at random from all valid entries. Bloggers, join us in an upcoming event! Sign up for Giveaway Promote's event mailing list to receive information via email about their future events.

This giveaway is open worldwide.
It will end at 11:59pm EST on March 4th, 2012.

a Rafflecopter giveaway This giveaway is brought to you by:

Giveaway Promote	Review and Giveaway	My Kids Review It
Baby Feeding Shop	Miki's Hope	Yummy Boy Mummy
Gone Klippin' Krazy	Mamacita La Cuponera	Mama Luvs Books
Colleen's Book Nook	Made.By.Jess	Frugal Gals
Kat's Corner Niche	Daily Digital Deals	Couponing4You
Mommies Point of View	Oh! My Heartsie	Money Saving Mindy
Military Wives Saving	Coupons Not Cash	Our Mom Spot
Shopaholic Mommy	Travel Mommy	Building Carpenters
I'm Not Superwoman	Half-Pint House Handouts	A Helicopter Mom
My Cloth Diaper Stash	Someday I'll Learn	Tidbits From A Mom
Blueberry Squash	Style 'n Decor Deals	Twingle Mommy
Its the Simple Things	My Kids' Cool Mom	Acadiana's Thrifty Mom
JustFindIt4U	The Frugal Navy Wife	Operation $40K
Whoreders	The Ladies Lounge	Ohayo Okasan
Taunya's Place Too	Faith and Family Reviews	Freebies With Attitude
Disney Contests and Sweepstakes	Emptynester Savings and More	Flaunting it with the Image Diva
Oh My Gosh Beck!	Our Share of Crazy	Carpe Diem
Potato Chip Cats	Perfecting Photos	Choosing Love
Happy Home and Family	Carmen's Coupon Blog	TheItMom.com
oc Deal Mama	The Anti-June Cleaver	I Heart Giveaways
Krazy Couponing with Trish	Random Deals	My Charmed Mom
Saving While Making Money	I Love My Kids	Fuggs and Foach
Coupon Hauls	Tory's This and That	SwagSaver
Cheap Junkie	Mothering Matters	Sister's Saving Cents
Savior Cents	Linda's Angels	Free Hot Samples
J Magnolia Designs	I Am A Couponer	Picture Clusters
2 Kids and a Coupon	Sweeping The USA	Mary's Cup of Tea
Feed Your Pig	Wonderful Things In Life	Grow With Stacy
Coupon Savvy Sarah	Book Flame	Family Makeover Maven
Coupon Coffee Shop	Capri's Coupons	Green-Baby-Goods
Mom Always Finds Out	Pinching Pennies with Heather	The Mommyhood Chronicles
Prolific Shopping	Bake Sew Write	Krazy Coupon Club
Southwest Coupon Clippers	Cheapskate Cafe	The Coup Diva
Mommy Who Loves Giveaways	Uncreative Mommy in a Sea of Crafty Bloggers	Life: Full of Unexpected Happiness
Arizona Moms Network	Bluegrass Savers	Extreme Coupon Professors
Saving For My Family	Sweet Pea Saving	Deal Doll
Wild N Mild Giveaways	Cute-Ecakes	Relax 'n Save
Adventures in Coupons	Nicki's Coupon Blog	Black, Divorced & Virtuous
Sassy Savings with Susan	For The Love Of Happy	Live. Love. Sticky.
Cheap Is The New Classy	Beauty and Fashion Diva	The Denver Housewife
Celebrate Woman Today	Finger Click Saver	Teach Me 2 Save
Whole Lotta Mama

Wrap Up

2012-02-21T14:42:00.000-05:00

This is a wrap up post. I am wrapping up my 21 mommy blogger weight loss challenge (for 7 days, because then I am starting the next 21 day challenge). I am wrapping up a few days hiatus; and maybe I am wrapping up a salad to go at Panera which, it turns out, is not my office away from home, but just a place where I watch people between bouts of editing and writing.

First, my 21 day Weight Loss Challenge! Today I had a scone and decaf coffee for breakfast. I know good and well that is not in line with my weight goals, but I had it anyway. Mostly because it is raining outside, my kids missed the school bus, and I don't want to measure myself and share with anybody in the clearly watching and waiting mommy universe what my measurements are today and if they have changed substantially. I am going to share what has changed.

My outlook: So much support for a life change goal is amazing. Most times when trying to do something as difficult and trying as change the way you look at food and then the way you live with it, consume it, and treat your body as well, logging onto your computer is an escape tactic. Now, logging onto FB has sent me straight to the Challenge group to find out what the comments are, who has tips, to post my observations, successes, struggles. How immensely encouraging! This network has pulled me back from quitting so many times. That is part of the reason I am starting another 21 days - to accomplish everything I didn't the first go around, plus more in this environment.

My attitude: I have a physical condition, fibromyalgia coupled with atypical migraines, that limits me from doing things the way I would have 5 years ago. My attitude about this has taken me some places where balance balls and yoga stretches do not go. Realizing attitude as an obstacle through relationship and interaction in just the short time of this challenge helped me reconfigure my thinking.

I am eating healthier, making healthier choices and yes, losing weight - slowly. Tonight I will measure myself and snap another picture.

Chicken Feta Wraps You will see a picture of this in a review coming soon!
Boston Bibb Lettuce
Chicken Strips (grilled)
crumbled feta cheese
candied pecans (crumbled - just a few)
Cherry or grape tomatoes
wrap (choose the kind that fits your diet)

Chop lettuce
toss in bowl with 1/4 cup of feta
sliced tomatoes -about a palm full or 1/4 a cup
chicken strips
1/4 cup of candied pecans - or plain if you like

Don't overfill your wrap (as I have been guilty of in the past); put the mixture in the wrap, fold the bottom up, roll one side over and continue rolling until wrap is completely closed. Slice wrap in half.

If you need something extra, use a low fat ranch dressing or low fat balsamic on your salad mixture before putting it in the wrap.

Is Veggie Pizza a Diet Food?

2012-02-11T18:26:00.001-05:00

Uhmmmmm...I guess it's not good when I start out a post like this, right? I was doing really well, sticking to my plan, appreciating all of the support, keeping my goal in mind, ticking off points in my mind and then in excel. Until....veggie pizza. I had it for dinner with a great salad, portion control excellent, lots of vegetables in the spinach salad.

It must have triggered a recessed trigger that flipped a nocturnal switch because the next morning, when I was heading to the fridge for egg whites, my mind was headed to the leftover pizza thinking egg whites had to be involved in pizza dough. I am absolutely sure all of the vegetables make it an awesome food choice. Three pieces must be a viable portion since it increases my veggie intake exponentially.

Except it also triggered another switch - the 'I think I messed up so I may as well call it a wash' switch. I counted that day as a bust. It wasn't a total waste, because there are very few unhealthy options in my house, but I consumed whatever I wanted of those options. The only time I stretched was to reach up to the top cabinet for a wine glass into which to pour Riesling.

The next day I got up, drank a bottle of water and had an egg white omelet. I stretched into yoga and got back on track. This is my life - a way of life, not a fad. Sometimes I am going to slip, but I am always going to get right back on track.

Have you had any bad days? I don't think I would be human if I didn't.

Here is a healthier pizza recipe, if you wanted to try it!

Eggplant Parmesan Pizza

Ingredients

1 small eggplant, (about 12 ounces)
Yellow cornmeal, for dusting
1 pound Easy Whole-Wheat Pizza Dough, or other prepared dough (recipe follows)
3/4 cup prepared marinara sauce
2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
1 medium clove garlic, minced medium clove garlic, minced
3/4 cup thinly shaved Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese

and try this healthy dough recipe from she-fit.com! Yummy!

Twitter for $25

2012-02-11T15:57:00.001-05:00

In keeping with the "I love me some ME," theme at Black, Divorced & Virtuous this month, enter to win a $25 EdenFantasys gift code on twitter tonight. How? Follow @BdandV on twitter, and log on between 7-8 p.m. EST for your chance to win. We'll chat a little about what kind of things you do that take less than 15 minutes that are solely for your own encouragement or pleasure.

Right in time for Valentine's Day and with free express shipping, EdenFantasys provides lots of ways for you to do something great for self! This adult fantasy site has everything from lip butter to bath robes and A-Z in between.

Visit EdenFantasys today, shop around, and do something for YOU for Valentine's day. I want you to pleasure yourself. Okay, maybe what I should say is that I want you to pamper yourself. I especially love the bath products.

If you are feeling like paying it forward and doing something special for a friend, you can even give them the gift of EdenFantasys in time for V-day!

So, go ahead and follow on twitter - @BDandV - visit EdenFantasys, and let me know in the comments what your Valentines day plans look like.

I am doing it...I am....

2012-02-07T17:51:00.000-05:00

So, today I got up and drank a bottle of water (12 oz) and for breakfast I had an egg white omelet (egg whites, red peppers, onions). Cool, even though I wanted to have apple pie. I did my yoga stretches and got to work on the laundry we amassed since Friday and while out of town. It will be interesting to see how I do on this 21 day weight loss challenge since my exercise is moderated because of the fibromyalgia.

I am relegated to Pilates and Yoga stretch exercises for now. I also find that I am not getting good points for sleep because I am not getting enough of it! I need to work on that - I am going to go to bed at least 1/2 hour earlier for the next few nights, consecutively. That might increase my energy. I have fatigue from the Fibro, and I often am up late. Hopefully more water, regular exercise, and earlier bedtime will get me some more sleep points!

For lunch today, I cannot tell a lie, I had a banana and a Clif bar. (I know, for shame), and a huge glass of water. I was trying to get some deadline issues completed.

Here's something I am really proud of, though. This weekend, I had to go out of town for a family emergency. Sometimes, being on the road causes me to make totally bad choices in food and water consumption. I knew I needed to do what was right, not just because of this challenge, but to manage my stress level as well.

I chose all of the right options for eating, I drank water the entire trip (opting for decaf coffee only twice), and I felt alert and unstressed because of that. I got some walking in, because there was no time for anything else.That was a great success!

So, today I need to sit down and plan out my menu for the week, plan my water consumption and more relevant exercise times. I still haven't posted my before picture and I promise to do that this week. It's not a fun photo op.

Don't forget to click on the links below, leave your comments, advice and questions! Maybe you want to take the 21 day challenge yourself?

Disclaimer: This post is in conjunction with the 21 Day Mommy Blogger Weight Loss Challenge with Dustin Maher. I am doing the Fit Moms for Life Program. I have received the program for free and have not been paid to write this post. All opinions are mine. For more information on the program please learn more about it here: Fit Moms for Life

Challenge To Life

2012-02-03T17:31:00.000-05:00

I grouped up with some of my friends and committed to going meat free last month. Since my diet is mostly turkey and chicken - I don't eat fish, and I am not in love with beef, I figured this would be a no-brainer. The first half of the month I payed specific attention to meal planning, and it wasn't so hard to manage the challenge. I even supplied my sisters with homemade vegetable soup!

The end of January was a little more difficult. Fighting fatigue from fibromyalgia, I fell down on planning and slipped up a couple of times. Two times were with chicken breast, but the recipes were full of vegetables and not processed foods. Where I had my biggest slip ups were when we were on the road. Alternatives when traveling are difficult. My sister is Pastoring in Cleveland, Ohio and we make that journey twice a month. On the way home this past Sunday, we discussed the difficulty with on the road food choices. (In that vein, be looking forward to an upcoming review on EasyLunchboxes). Overall, I did fine with this challenge.

Now I have entered a 21 day Mommy Blogger Weight Loss Challenge with Dustin Maher from Fit Moms For Life. The system Dustin has created is based on creating healthy habits and his goal is to help 5000 moms get endless energy to outplay their kids this year.

One of my first tasks is to measure myself following the instruction provided on the Fit Moms For Life workout and nutritional DVD; then weigh in AND TAKE MY BEFORE PICTURE (I'll share it all here - well maybe not my exact weight, but the rest of it. lol)!

Yes, that is a scary thing, but to give me encouragement, several of my blogger friends are taking the challenge too, and you can encourage us by clicking on the links in the next three weeks and leaving your comments, advice and questions!

Sweetheart Stroll & Nontle Jewelry Review & Giveaway

2012-02-01T21:17:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Sweetheart Stroll hosted by Freckleberry Finds! A group of great bloggers have gotten together for some giveaways for Valentine’s Day. Be sure to hop around to all the other blogs participating in this event after entering the giveaway here!. The linky list will be under the Rafflecopter Form.

This giveaway prize is self-sponsored by Black, Divorced and Virtuous and Nontle Jewelry! Enter to win a one of a kind jewelry piece valued at $45.

At Nontle Jewelry, every piece of jewelry is uniquely made, and custom made pieces can be ordered.

Because BD&V has determined that February is all about taking care of ourselves, we want to highlight Nontle Jewelry and how important it is to have at least a few pieces of signature jewelry in your collection. I am not the kind of woman who can keep up with a lot of pieces. Buying a few beautiful uniquely made pieces that go well with many different outfits works well.

Danielle Benson, owner and jewelry designer, launched the business in 2005 and the website in 2009. Each piece is created only once, so no other person will ever have your signature pieces. Although she is an internationally sold designer, Nontle Jewelry designs are affordable for all women (and Nontle Jewelry makes signature pieces for men as well). The website has some really great tools. I especially enjoy How To Wear Your Jewelry, where help on how many ways you can actually wear your jewelry and with what kind of outfits is provided.

Nontle Jewelry, Official Fashion Designer for Fashion Week Columbus, has been featured in some amazing places including various magazines and runways. Visit the website at www.nontlejewelry.com to see What's New This Month and highlights from the Fashion Week!

Visit Nontle Jewelry's website or go visit on Facebook and tell them I sent you! Get a 'Uniquely U' piece during "I Love Me Some Me" month!

or

Enter on the rafflecopter below for a chance to win the blue piece pictured to the left or another unique piece from the 2012 Collection valued at $45 - yes, that means two people will win a signature piece from this international collection!
Please be patient the rafflecopter may take a few seconds to load, and if it doesn't, click on the word 'rafflecopter' and be redirected to the entry form!

Good Luck Everyone!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway ENTER TO WIN!

Until Death Do Us Part: 8 Reasons For Marital Failure Amongst African Americans

2012-02-01T17:46:00.001-05:00

In our usual effort to bring you

Until Death Do Us Part: 8 Reasons For Marital Failure Amongst African Americans

By Dr. Umar Abdullah-Johnson, Psy.D., NCSP, M.Ed.
November 6, 2011) -- Discussions about the epidemic are everywhere, from the latest best-selling novels to academic discussions on college campuses, to passionate discussions between Frat brothers & Sister circles. The question everyone wants answered is "WHY?" Unfortunately, many of the traditional reasons you have been given for the premature romantic meltdowns amongst Blacks are inaccurate and insufficient. These very same factors were present when successful Black marriages, created 30 or 40 years ago, were forged but yet many a couple managed to stay together.


Original Post from the above noted site

As a child therapist, who spends much of my time navigating the parental relationship in order to create an atmosphere of normalcy in which our children can function, and as a doctor of clinical psychology, who studies the emotional and psychological conditions that give rise to relationship difficulties that are unique to African-Americans, I have discovered that there are several themes running through failed families that if brought to your consciousness may help you escape a dead end relationship, or be able to help resuscitate a dying one back into new life.

With nearly most Black children being reared in single parent households it shouldn't come as a surprise that the ADHD diagnosis has been on the rise, which in most cases has nothing to do with any neurologically-based brain dysfunction, but rather a family-based emotional dysfunction that I refer to sarcastically but truthfully as "Absence of Daddy from Home Disorder," which is the real ADHD. If we want to save the Black community, we have to save the Black family, for if the most essential of institutions is destroyed then almost no other can function effectively.

1) SEARCHING FOR SECURITY: UNMET EMOTIONAL NEEDS FROM CHILDHOOD - Because so many of us either come from families that were dysfunctional, or had relationships with parents that were dysfunctional, it's not difficult to understand how one's unconscious conflicts may lead you on a search to find what you never had (i.e., SECURE ATTACHMENT TO A CAREGIVER, ATTENTION, ACCEPTANCE, LOVE/INTIMACY, APPROVAL, TRUST, RECIPROCITY). Because one's relationship behavior, under such circumstances, is largely under the control of unconscious impulses it should come as no surprise to you that selfishness ranks at the top of the list of reasons for relationship dissatisfaction. When your dating or mating behavior is largely driven by an unmet childhood need, your partner simply becomes a means to an end, but NOT the end itself. Thusly, you end up using and exploiting them, for what they can give to you, without offering anything in return. You must become conscious of how your poor relationships with parents, or siblings, is continuing to play out in your romantic behavior, transforming you into an exploiter or victim of emotional exploitation. Before settling down, you'd being doing yourself a huge favor by having an in-depth discussion with your bride or groom to be, to ensure their reasons for marriage are not based upon attempting to overcome childhood insecurities that have plagued them for most of their lives.

2) SELF-HATRED: LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU - Many people are their own worse enemy but are totally unconscious of this fact. When something goes wrong in your life do you chalk it up to a learning experience, or human error, or are you one of many Blacks who begins to replay old abusive audiotapes from memory, with your parents' voices (or older siblings) disguised as your own. Do you beat yourself up without mercy, or are you able to comfort yourself when you make mistakes. If your inner voice is that of an abusive and overly punitive parent, chances are you suffer from self-hatred, and it is this self-hatred that is driving you to find a mate who can put out your self-inflicted emotional arson with their cool waters of love and compassion. You can spend a significant portion of your life trying to find love until you come to the realization that you will not be able to reciprocate the love you find if you do not ALREADY love yourself. No matter how much another person loves you, until you love yourself, you will never be able to love them in return appropriately or effectively. In fact, they may choose to walk away from the arrangement after having their emotional forces sucked dry without reciprocity. You don't need a lover, you need a therapist.

3) MATERIALISM MELTDOWN: BUYING HAPPINESS - Needless to say that in a capitalistic society the corporate-owned media will actually be able to convince some African-Americans that marrying someone with economic potential, and the education to go along with it (i.e., MBA, JD, MD, PhD, PsyD, etc) may actually brainwash you into thinking that to find a person who appears able to help your purchase an upper middle class lifestyle may lead to lasting happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Listen to me carefully, "money buys pleasure, it can never buy happiness." In fact, the pleasures that money buy often lead to addictions that destroy relationships. This is not an invitation to a life of poverty often so well propagated by the religious sector, that many Blacks erroneously find poverty to be a blessings, but rather this is just a dosage of psychological realism that peace of mind cannot be purchased. Many Black marriages simply dissolve when one superficial partner is no longer content with the "financial ceiling" their partner has hit. A high maintenance partner, man or woman, spells disaster. These individuals are self-centered and emotionally distant. They never get the last laugh as sooner or later old age creeps upon them, and the wisdom of contentment begins to haunt them, but not before then with they give up their self-centered capitalistic mindset to begin the search for an intimacy and love that cannot be purchased with a credit card.

4) ESCAPING MISERY: LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT OF YOUR PAIN - Many of us look for relationships not to satisfy our unmet needs, or our economic desires, but rather as a life jacket to save us from dealing with personal challenges that we don't care to address. All of us have things about ourselves that cause us great discomfort (i.e, problems with relatives, health concerns, dietary issues, professional barriers, unfinished goals, problems on the job, unearned degrees, poor relations with our children, emotional concerns, etc), but yet we don't have the resolve or discipline to face them. Just as an alcoholic or drug user reaches for substances in times of inner pain and turmoil, you simply reach for a new relationship. As all drugs must ultimately reach a point of tolerance, where more is required to retain the desired effect, as soon as one relationship is no longer sufficient to distract us from our personal emotional issues, we discard it and reach for another. RELATIONSHIP ADDICTS, Blacks who cannot be without a romantic partner, is a very real and prevalent concern in our community. Being addicted to relationships is certain to land one in an ongoing, yet unfulfilling, cycle of relationships that are devoid of true reciprocity and intimacy. The problem with relationship addiction is that the relationship cannot save you from yourself, nor can it ever serve as an effective band-aid for your inner conflicts. It's better to fix yourself than destroy someone else's life. Anyone who cannot be alone long enough to develop a relationship with themselves can never build a happy one with another person.

5) POST-TRAUMATIC RELATIONSHIP DISORDER: THE GHOST OF RELATIONSHIPS PAST - In an attempt to acquire happiness, which cannot be obtained from any outside source, including people, many of us do not allow ourselves sufficient time to heal from long-term relationships, or short-term exhausting relationships, that have sapped our emotional, spiritual and psychological energies. Between relationships we all need a period of fasting, where we give our minds and souls the opportunity to heal and rest, before we attempt to "get it right the next time." We always hear talk about the need for dietary fasting and spiritual fasting, but now is the time for me to introduce the concept of relationship fasting. Yes, a period of NON-DATING, that should last at least a season (3 months) before you infect some innocent person's life with the negative energy of a past relationship. Just as with all traumas, you need time to re-stabilize your inner self and regain a sense of reality. When you don't give yourself TIME OFF from forging new romantic attachments you risk spoiling what otherwise would have been a perfectly good relationship with your psychic baggage from your previous love(s). You are not able to trust, love, commit, reciprocate and be emotionally available for fear that he or she may be a rendition of the previous failed partnership. If you are still afraid, that means you are still suffering the aftershocks of post-traumatic relationship disorder, and should not be dating. This is one of the biggest problems with relationships in our community, as too many of us are spiritually infected with the unhealthy energies of past encounters, not to mention still in love with previous partners, thusly wasting the time of an innocent person who has healthy relationship needs that you are not able to fulfill since you are still preoccupied with someone who is no longer in your life, or shouldn't be. You have to get over your past in order to get on with your life. There is a season for everything, including a time to heal.

6) TYRANNY OF YOUR INNER CHILD: THE PAIN BODY EXPERIENCE - Everyone, regardless of Race, has a pain body. An inner child who has never really grown up, and has been wounded in some way during our earlier years. This inner child usually sleeps and never bothers us until something happens, usually something that causes an intense insecurity, embarrassment or fear, sufficient enough to awake the sleeping inner kid and causes him/her to have a temper tantrum. When we date we are usually selling our conscious better selves to our partner, like a good salesperson we tend to hide, consciously or unconsciously, the negative aspects of our character, which tend to reveal themselves until an experience occurs that lessens our ego's desire to hide its TRUE SELF. So you've been dating for 3 years and now she's pregnant, or the two of you decide to co-habitate, or get engaged, or get married. Now, finally, the real you will begin to reveal itself. That's right, not just the positive side of your personality that has been on display the past 3 years, but the negative side of your personality is about to show itself for the very first time, and in full effect. Once your partner's pain body has been awaken, that tyrannical inner child, you are face-to-face with a person that you never really knew. You have never seen him/her under real stress until now, and you realize you have been sold a false personality picture, and you thusly decide it's time to end a situation that has been 3 years in the making but only 3 months in duration. This is why most Black divorcees do so within 2 years of jumping the broom - they never saw their partner's pain body until it's too late. That is why, as a therapist, I am in full support, despite opposition of religious circles, that pre-marital co-habitation is a must. Only when you actually share 24 hrs a day with your mate-to-be will you truly be able to assess who they really are. It is so very easy to hide one's negative traits behind a false façade of being the "perfect catch." Until you have seen his/her pain body, regardless of how many years into the relationship, you are still dating a stranger.

7) WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON: THE CLASH OF VALUES - One of the biggest misconceptions regarding Black marriage is the need to have things in common. This is so not true, you don't need to have anything in common (i.e, careers, hobbies, interests, etc) EXCEPT VALUES. Two people may appears to be twins on the outside, coming from the same types of homes, same religious backgrounds, same careers, same hobbies and interests but yet be total opposites INTERNALLY. Non-identical values are destroying Black families faster than fire consumes wood. At the top of the list is finances. You may love to spend money, and live paycheck to paycheck, but your mate values saving over the long term, and not being a spendthrift. Such a clash of values is likely to erode the foundation upon which the marriage stands. Another is GOD. You love going to worship service, and it's a regular part of your weekly routine. However, your mate, who is of the same religion and claims to value God as much as you do, doesn't see the need to attend bible study or Friday/Sunday worship at the Masjid/Church. This is going to cause a major conflict because it heightens the true values gap that exists between the two of you. Some of the others include intimacy, in-laws & friends. You may like to spend more time with your friends that your family, or you mother may like to play a bigger role in your marriage than she should, or you think that physical intimacy one night a week should be sufficient while your partner values regular intimacy as a foundational aspect to his/her marriage. Clashes over values can be easily avoided by making sure they are discussed during the dating/courting process. When you clash over values it's because you really didn't take sufficient time to get to know your mate. You were so busy focusing on your own values that you didn't bother to study his/hers.

8) BLENDING THE UNBLENDABLE FAMILY: YOUR CHILDREN OR OUR CHILDREN - Co-Raising children, even if the children are biologically your own, can be a very difficult issue to tackle in marriage. However, when you have children and your mate has children of his/her own, brining all of those personalities under the same family governmental system can be quite a challenge. Sometimes, we never prepare ourselves for the fact that marriage truly means "what is yours is also mine." Thusly, it becomes difficult for us to allow someone else to chastise our children. When partners feel that you don't want them raising your children they begin to question the commitment your have for them overall. Think about it, what better way to show trust and true reciprocity than to allow him/her the opportunity to share in the decision-making duties of their non-biological children. When you are not able to do this it creates a trust gap in the relationship that can only widen with time. Still further, when you differ over how the children should be raised and discipline techniques, or even just the need for discipline itself, things can begin to get really rocky in that once peaceful household. As a therapist, I have seen the Black mothers' traditional over-protection of her son lead to standoffs with her new husband, who refuses to share power, nor should he, with a spoiled teenage boy. I have also seen where a biological father's love for his daughter has prevented him from making it clear that his wife is not one of her girlfriends. When these small fires are not stamped out of existence, they threaten to burn down the entire marriage. Before settling down, spend some time with your mate's children, get to know them, and ask yourself if you can tolerate those particular personalities for the rest of YOUR life. Study how different your discipline approaches are, and whether or not you can find common ground, especially when you don't share the role of biological parent. Most importantly, check your own possessiveness, and readiness for having another person treat your children like their own. If you are not ready for this, then you are not ready for marriage.

These are just a few major issues that can threaten, add oftentimes destroy, what could have otherwise been a happy marriage in the Black community. Certainly, a book can be written about each of the above-mentioned issues, and I plan to follow-up by doing just that. Nonetheless, we should want what's best for our children, and that is a safe and happy home with their biological parents. None of us are perfect, and there is nothing wrong with moving past a terrible situation, as staying in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship, just for the sake of the kids, can end up hurting the children more than you. Let's face it, we live in a psychologically unhealthy society, where the pursuit of material, economic & professional accomplishment has reduced the importance of family and children to being nothing more than social assets we use to given the impression that we are psychologically healthy, when in all actuality we are rotting from the stench of American Capitalism. Just take a look at the suicide and homicide rates in the Black community, and you will see that we are a people in crisis. Still further, just take a look at the rates of depression, bipolar & borderline personality disorders in our community, and you will see that our people, a historically faithful people, are now dying from spiritual hunger.

Domestic violence and child molestation are two taboo topics that neither the Black Masjid or Black Church is willing to discuss openly and honestly, which leaves it to crusading Black behavioral specialists, like myself, to set the record straight as to why so many of us are living as "functional depressives." The Black family is facing extinction because the spiritually-grounded non-materialistic African-American personality is facing extinction. Two spiritually unhealthy individuals cannot build a healthy family. The point of intervention should not be the family, but the individuals who created it. Stop putting the cart before the horse, career before family, and money before GOD.

Umar Abdullah-Johnson is a Doctor of Clinical Psychology, Nationally Certified School Psychologist, Certified K-12 School Principal, and political scientist. He is an expert independent special education evaluator. He trains educators, principals and mental health technicians on various psycho-educational topics, including ADHD & disruptive behavior disorders. He is an outspoken opponent against the mass psychiatric drugging of Black boys in public schools, and the mass diagnosing of Black children as mildly mentally retarded and learning disabled. He has appeared on the Tom Joyner Morning Show, the Bev Smith Show, and countless radio and talk shows across the country, in Africa and in the Caribbean. He will be speaking at Arcadia University's Black Male Development Symposium in Philadelphia on May 12th, 2012, HBCU Charles Drew University, Keck Lecture Hall, in Los Angeles on December 2nd 2012 & the 12th Annual Central Texas African-American Family Conference in Austin on February 16th 2012, discussing the topic of his highly anticipated upcoming debut book, "The Psycho-Academic War Against Black Boys: From Grade School to the Grave Yard." He is Founder/President of the National Movement to Save Black Boys (NMSBB), and a blood relative of Frederick Douglass, the 19th century Abolitionist & Orator. He can be reached for consultation or lecture scheduling at DrUmarJohnson@yahoo.com or (215) 989-9858.

Win in February!

2012-01-31T18:05:00.000-05:00

Since February is "I love me some ME" month at BD&V, there will be a few giveaways, and a few ways to win! I always love getting something great in the mail, and my kids are addicted to seeing the 'brown box' truck pull up!

The twitter giveaway will run for several weeks and give followers a chance to win every week. To have a chance to win you must first have joined BD&V in both of the following manners:

Join us on Google + - by adding BD&V to one of your circles
Follow us on Twitter- leave a comment showing us that you are now following @BDandV in the comment section of this post.

During each week, the hour for winning will be posted, and the twitter conversation on relationships and holidays will be open on twitter. That is when a random winner will be chosen from that weeks entries. Remember, you have to have fulfilled both requirements to win!

There will be other giveaways coming, including one from a brilliant jeweler who creates one of a kind pieces! This month is about showing love to yourself, and I want to help you! Let's have fun and indulge.

From Becky Due's Blog....for Women

2012-01-31T17:41:00.000-05:00

The following blog is from Becky Due's Blog... for Women. I read it and had to share it with you. It is a glimpse into a Valentine's date for one. After you read it, I would love to hear some of your ideas! You can visit her site and become a member just by clicking on the the name of it in this post, or on the title of the post.

Valentine’s Day: Romance… alone

31 Jan

I was sitting in class on Thursday night and a woman behind me said only losers are dateless on Valentine’s Day. I turned and said, “I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day.” I wasn’t bitter. I was prepared and looking forward to my dateless night.

“Oh, I was just kidding, Valentine’s Day is overrated,” she said.

My romantic night alone began with a hot bubble bath accompanied by chocolate, non-alcoholic champagne, music and a candle. After my bath, I stood in front of my closet trying to decide what to wear. I had to convince myself to dress up for myself. I wore a black skirt, a cute red top, with a black sweater over it and my favorite black high heels. I looked good and felt good, too. I walked to my car excited for my night out.

I had made reservations late so I ended up sitting at the bar. There were two couples at one end of the bar; I chose to sit at the other end. I was nervous. It may have been my imagination, but it seemed the other couples pitied me.

The bartender asked, “Are you waiting for your Valentine?”
“No. just me,” I answered and ordered my iced tea.
I looked over the menu; the special was a filet with crab on top with fresh asparagus and hollandaise sauce; perfect.

As I sat waiting, I studied the bar. I was having my Valentine’s dinner with many bottles of liquor. If the mirror behind them had been more exposed to me, I might have had the illusion of eating with someone, even if it was me.

I ordered the chocolate cake for dessert and when the bartender placed it in front of me, he said, “Happy Valentine’s Day. Dessert’s on me.” Clearly, he felt sorry for me.

After dinner, I went to a romantic comedy movie then home to bed. Before I fell asleep, I thought about my Valentine’s Night alone and realized that it wasn’t that bad, in fact it was kind of nice. I didn’t have to consider anybody’s feelings but my own. I chose where I ate, were I sat, the movie I wanted to watch and what time I wanted to go home and to bed.

I thought about what I wanted in a relationship. I wondered if I would be a perfect fit for somebody some day. I wondered if I’d have a date for my next Valentine’s Night. Alone or not, I didn’t think Valentine’s Day was overrated, I thought it was underrated. I loved the romance and appreciated that special day of the year for all lovers, even if I was going it alone.

About beckydue

Author of several novels that celebrate the fun, strength and independence of women

I Love Me some Me

2012-01-25T22:49:00.001-05:00

It's near the end of January, and that month dedicated to love in a saccharin sweet way is sneaking up on us. February. Hearts and valentines, half priced chocolate and flowers. Romantic dinners and sappy commercials. Yep, it's all coming...and if you happen to be like a lot of the population, you don't have a significant other to share it with.

STOP!

Do not get one just for the occasion!

I mean it. How many of us have been bullied by the mass marketing of supposed social norms into pairing up as mismatched couples for this seasonal stretch of make believe happiness? It's all a meticulously formulated lie, people. You do not need a dedicated possible passable partner to celebrate the month of love. You can dive in unsupervised and give love a fighting chance.

BD&V is officially dubbing this February "I Love me some ME Month". Yes, I know that it's poor grammar, but we are going to embrace that not everything is perfect, thus life is not always perfect,yet it is always a journey! Experience it from the inside out.

Here, let's try an exercise. I did this from the time I was 12 until I was...well, I still do it from time to time, when I need to be reminded:

Stand in front of a mirror, and look directly at yourself. Say to yourself: "I am beautiful. I love me. I love me some me."

Do it again. Do it every day until it feels natural.

If you have a hard time with it because you can't embrace your beauty, try this exercise instead.

Stand in front of a mirror, and look directly at yourself. Say to yourself: "God made everything beautiful. I am beautiful. He loves Him some me. I love what God loves. I love me."

Why? Because you need to be accustomed to hearing yourself acknowledge your own beauty and where it comes from - so that you understand why it doesn't take a significant other to celebrate love, life or liberty! It only takes you, finding out that you are healed, and you are whole.

This February, make a plan. Get together with friends, with your children; sponsor a program at church or a neighborhood center - share this month about love and heritage with others in a new way.

I haven't decided yet what my plan is for Valentine's day this year. Since my separation and then divorce I have spent that day with my children doing something special, with my Mom, even taken my then mother-in-law flowers. What kind of ideas do you have? I would love to hear them.

Taking Care of You....

2012-01-24T10:53:00.000-05:00

EdenFantasys is an online adult industry store. Wait! Stay a minute. I am going to tell you about some of the products they have that you could use to make you feel great every day! There is more to being an adult than sex. It's not even the most important thing when it comes to taking care of yourself intimately. I believe we have to change the perception of some of the words we use so that we can feel comfortable about taking good care of ourselves.

From now through the end of February, BD&V is going to be dedicated to bringing you ways to take better care of you. Our biggest goal in surviving and thriving after a traumatic life change is healing and wholeness. The key to that success is caring for ourselves. Let me start by telling you what I found at EdenFantasys, which is strictly online - so you can order adult toys directly to your home!

I live in a place where weather can be harsh on the skin, so I love body polishes (exfoliates). The one pictured here is Island Hop and smells of coconut, lemongrass, verbena, musk - the tiniest bit of vanilla - all smells I love. There are four fragrances - but all of them will leave you with baby soft skin. There is nothing better than feeling good for you!

Sugared body polish

This Brown Sugar Lip Scrub is just right for anybody who gets dry skin on their lips. I live in a cold weather climate, so wind and sun combined give me peeling skin regularly. This lip scrub will take care of that without tearing or soreness, and your skin will look buttery soft. If you participate in winter sports or live in a schizophrenic weather zone, like I do, you need this in your arsenal. It's made of natural, moisturizing ingredients like cocoa butter, almond oil, and vitamin E.

Brown Sugar Lip Scrub

And finally, the Doccia me satin shower cap. If you have to wear a bonnet over your locks, wouldn't you love for it to be this one, saying 'life is beautiful?'. Because it is' life is beautiful. Everything we experience is the sum of who we are, and we are beautiful in the midst of it. So, when we get in a mist we should cover our heads with something beautiful as well. Can you tell that I am something of a girly girl?

Doccia me satin shower cap

There is lots of other fun stuff on the EdenFantasys site, and you get a free gift with some orders (you have to select it and put it in your shopping cart)- which you get to pick. Visit today!

Thermal Tote Giveaway!

2012-01-23T12:06:00.000-05:00

My friend and fellow blogger over at Woman of Many Roles has just launched a giveaway for a thermal tote! Now, she has been using this tote to keep drinks and snack fresh and cold as she travels with her husband, who is a coach. I thought of a great use for it as well, as I run from drama practice to doctors visits to choir practices with two kids! Plus it is too cute! I am a bag hoarder, clinically diagnosed by my own mother. You betcha I am going to enter to win, and so should you.

Would you like to enter? Head on over to the Woman of Many Roles facebook Page, and while you are there, tell her I BD & V, sent ya! Just click on the link:

Woman of May Roles: URU Thermal Tote Giveaway

Is that a She Cat or....my 13 year old?

2012-01-17T19:34:00.000-05:00

If co-authoring a book is anything like co-parenting, I don't know if I can ever be a part of that endeavor. My daughter, overnight, turned into a teenage meerkat. Gone was the wonderful little girl I had known, dressed like a doll baby, parroted to church conferences and museum trips, laughed and talked with over lunch and book shopping dates. In her place was this little hellion who physically appears to be my child, but that is where the resemblance stops.

Now at a time like this, divorced parenting is not the optimal plan, because you can't just struggle to your corner and tag your authority partner to take your place in the ring. You have to call them on the phone and if they are available, relay the whole situation to them. You know the old adage "you had to be there?" This teenage angst is some mess that has to be seen in action to fully appreciate hormonal affect.

The time involved in getting the other parent up to speed cheapens your end game. I mean, who has time to explain to the other party that his spitting kitten doesn't want to wear the gray uniform tights with her formal uniform and wants to wear eye shadow to school, and mumbled under her breath that I "don't know anything about anything?" Just for him to say "Well, she's a teenager and she's going to go through this?" This kind of response belittles the battle of wills happening in real time right before your very eyes.

Now, it's gonna take at least 15 minutes for me to explain to him that she is not going to go through anything sorta kinda like this which resembles disrespect up in my house, Dr. PhilLipsAgain, so when does she get her key to your house - and that just takes too much time away from me chasing her into a closet. He has to be reminded that he plays for Team Parent.

I digress. The thing is, it is difficult to do well at divorced parenting during the teenage years. We may actually have to reconsider our parenting pact and develop some new communication skills. Teenagers can be frustrating, but we must be mindful to see around their hormones and past the challenging behavior to the underlying needs.

And you may find yourself making concessions that you couldn't or wouldn't make when you were still married, for the sake of your children. This is just God's way of helping you grow in a tight space. You might as well know now that you're going to grow regardless of whether you divorced or stayed married, if you both love your children enough to want to parent them together.

You may find yourself at times thinking, why couldn't we do this when we were married. Don't doubt. You have to know that you are right where God wanted you at this very moment. It doesn't mean that the next moment won't be different, but today is right.

Every once in a while I take the time to say "I forgave that past and its over. This right now? This is my now." That is how I deal with co parenting, especially when something has to change. Dealing with this teenage child who resembles my baby? This is a change. Yet we must remember - change is not a bad word.

Well, I am off to rekindle my relationship with my therapist. I need meditation, medication, and copious amounts of mass communication to deal with this new leg of the journey - all, of course, preceded by much prayer!

Resources for Recovery

2012-01-10T13:51:00.000-05:00

Not only have I read J.K. Sanders L.A.P.D. Life after a Painful Divorce, I have interviewed the author and seen him speak on the topic at several events. This is one of the resources I mentioned sharing, so please investigate. To access the book or find out about the world renowned Evangelist and author, click on the icon to the left; you can also visit L.A.P.D. on Facebook and become a part of a fast growing international community discussing the reality of relationships, marriage and divorce.

Here is a recent excerpt from the Facebook community:

"LAPD (Life After a Painful Divorce): You would be surprised of how divorce affects the brothers. I believe that in comparing our issues we will gather strength one from another to become the men we were called to be and perhaps better husbands the second time around! Pray for us sistahs and brothers join us! (JKS/pd)"

We are our Childrens First and Best Teachers

2012-01-05T13:08:00.000-05:00

How WE Love Ourselves and How we Love our Kids

2012-01-04T14:11:00.000-05:00

This is a win/win read. You can only learn from theexperience, and with the authors being married with children and grand children;they have already tried all their research out on their own family. In thewords of contemporary comedian Kevin Hart; ‘you gone learn today.’ This book ishelping me immensely. I am learning me, about how I love – something which Iknew was broken for a long time, and about how to change how I relate to mychildren and what they need. And what I need. I have heard it said, and said itmany times– they don’t come with a manual. But I will be gifting lots of newmom’s with this manual.

I chose to review How We Love Our Kids: The 5 Love Styles of Parenting becauseof my experience with a different book. Years ago, I read Gary Chapman’s TheFive Love Languages. Chapman expounds of the five languages we use toexpress love toward one another, assisting readers in finding their mostrelevant language, which then leads to an understanding of your own lovelanguage. In the best scenario, the reader learns how to identify how theyrelate in love and how their significant other communicates as well. It’s agreat idea. If you put it to work, it’s a phenomenal experience. When I waspregnant with my first child, I bought Chapman’s book The Five Love Languagesof Children. I still have it. I never read it.

So when the opportunity presented to read How We Love Our Kids: The 5 Love Styles of Parenting and given that my daughter is a new teen,and my 7 year old son astounds me daily with his own devices, I jumped at thechance.

Okay, so Milan & Kay Yerkovich,therapists, researchers, and authors of this benevolent offering, set out to showparents how to overcome the regular challenges that arise out of the five lovestyles (which we will learn or have already learned if we read their firstbook) and help parents develop a secure, deep connection with their child(ren). We are going to learn how to fix up how we react based on our own love experiences,and change those experiences for our children.

Click here for a radiointerview with the authors on the subject of the book:
First, we identify thefive love styles, and then which one of them best represents our own lovestyle. Discoveryour LoveStyle here.Then, with the help of these therapist turned authors, we discover the dynamicsof our parenting and relationship building that will help us to get rid ofthose hot buttons only our children can push, and begin to build a close,sincere relationship by learning about the 7 gifts every child needs.

This is behavior you cannot learn by one reading, you really have to put itinto action, read it over more than once, and be willing to do the work. Muchof this work is based on the Yerkovich’s 2006 book called HowWe Love. That book deals with the idea that the vast majority ofadults have “injured imprints” which are a result of situations theyexperienced in childhood. It describes five injured love styles (Avoider,Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, and Victim), and includes questions to help determinehow you love and how your past experiences have molded that love style.

You don’t necessarily have to read the first book to benefit from the secondone, I haven’t. But it is on my reading list for 2012. Happy reading!

Some work and some really fun stuff

2012-01-02T22:32:00.000-05:00

I love to write, read and get free stuff; and not in that order. This year, I decided that while I am embracing the authentic me and all the possibilities in my purpose, I would address every aspect of recovering from a traumatic event, such as divorce or the loss of a spouse, etc.

There are several important steps involved in this journey. One is grief counseling. It is oh so necessary to grieve those things or persons who are lost to us so that we can get on with healing. Also integral is to realize we are all intrinsically different, and so is our grieving process. No cookie cutter process will work - we each have to go through it in our own distinct way - and I've yet to see anyone go through it without God and be successful.

Another component to the journey is loving thy self. This is such a hard concept to embrace because we feel like we are displacing God - but God loves us. He wants us to love ourselves too. The greatest characteristic of God is love. Embrace you!

Begin by learning who you are, what you need, and what you like. Start making you look the best that you can every day. When you look good, you feel good. Exercise. Eat right. Take care of your temple. None of this is against the law of God or man. Invest in yourself. This year, I am going to make some reading suggestions, activity suggestions, and posit some ideas for you to consider in the rebuilding of your life.

We have to start somewhere or we will remain in the same position! Don't worry, if you find you don't like where you are, you can always go back from whence you came.

Having said that, I want to introduce you to a few things:

A great book: The Resolution for Women written by Patricia Shirer

I am reading this book with an amazing group of women, and we have basically resolved to purpose ourselves to become radically defined by Christ. It is an awesome book.

A great resource: This organization links you to groups in your area that meet up for social pursuits. Anything you can think of doing, there is a group doing it, and if there isn't you can organize the group through meetup.com. Just click on the icon provided here.

A great idea: There is something in you that is desirable, and worth having. If it's worth having, it's worth sharing. If it's worth sharing, it's unique. Ergo - you are unique.

I hope that you choose to investigate these resources in the next couple of weeks. I am going to be providing you with many more great opportunities to step into new areas of life. I'm also going to be sponsoring some giveaways of items I know will help you feel good and look great. I hope that you will provide some comments about some of the things that have helped you to move forward, and we can help each other.

I'm Ready

2011-12-31T03:00:00.000-05:00

It's a new year! A new opportunity is upon us. Possibly, if you read my blog, you are either a divorcee, or have been through some other traumatic experience that left you in a space and time where you needed to start from the beginning, again. Maybe, you needed to look at your life as a blank page and see some possibility there, then figure out how to make something with what you had after the storm. I have been there, and am still in the middle of the message. I am still working out my miracle!

That is what every day of my life is about - trusting God to make a miracle out of every one of my tests which have become testimonies and my trials which have becomes triumphs. He will do that for me, and for you because He has never respected people, caring for one of us more than another. But He requires something from us - we have to do the work with faith.

So, you don't need any resolutions today. What you need is a made up mind and a modicum of faith that God will take care of you. You need to be sure within yourself that there is something worth developing in you that must come to fruition; that God will not stop manifesting the evidence of those things not seen but surely hoped for; until the day of their completion.

There are so many ways for us to be ready. This year, I am going to concentrate on helping to get us ready. I am going to focus on introducing us to all of the concepts and elements that are helping me rebuild my life. That will include some writing, some video broadcasts, and even some fun giveaways.

We have an exciting year ahead of us! I am ready to embrace it and all it has to offer. Hey 2012 - I'm Ready!

And this just in...

2011-12-16T15:04:00.000-05:00

The non permanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of summer and winter seasons.

Bhagavad Gita

Recovering from any traumatic circumstance can be a daunting process. Whether it be illness, divorce, death or even financial ruin, there is surely going to be an assault on your mind and your Spirit if you dare to mend and live again. It is part of our destiny that arrows will come by day and by night - if we dare to stand.

In this past year, there have been tests and testimonies, trials and triumphs, the nature of which I never imagined, in my life. Me: always independent, worker, studier, faithful to a fault; caregiver, provider, fixer of things in general wherever they seem amiss - sidelined by a somewhat mysterious illness with no real known origin and no definitive cure. One of those hidden diseases that allows me to look normal everyday (okay, NEARLY every day) even while uncontrollable symptoms rage through my nervous system producing incapacitating pain.

There really are some things that are beyond my control. Who knew? At some point, my very own body has turned traitor and revolted. Fibromyalgia will do that. This disease has rendered me unable to work, and sometimes not able to pay a bill that before was a routine task. Some days, I have even doubted myself whether all this is real - how could a perfectly healthy woman go through two years of illness and come out in this condition? God knows this was not my plan for my life.

I find strength in the fact that this too shall pass. Tomorrow promises not to be the same as today. 3 months from now will certainly not present the same circumstance or pomp as this present moment. We have the promise that right now God is working out something in us that will be for our good and for the good of others.

I've had to learn to accept the goodwill of others, while also knowing the difference between goodwill and burden. No matter how much people want to help you, you can only be a receiver for so long before it becomes a burden. I have embraced the knowledge that I can give of myself in so many other ways than I previously knew. I've mustered up a seed of faith and watched it snowball into a garden of fortitude. The hope that makes me not ashamed and keeps me pushing forward is that I have this treasure in my earthly body that must be revealed.

I may have to defy my doctors to get back to work, because a man that doesn't work doesn't eat. Yep, I know that word really pertained to men in the gospel story, but in our society it pertains to everybody. In the mean time, I am building my health, my character, my Spirit - all to fulfill the promise that is within me.

I have a lot planned for 2012, including a methodical plan for success.

How things look on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.
Confucius

2011-12-14T02:03:00.000-05:00

When I review children's books, I look for a couple of elements that make them acceptable for my children. If they can pass muster in my family, then they are good to recommend. It's kinda the Litmus test for Readable Books for the Towns family.

How amazing is it when the issue of a child's heart is gratitude? Anthony DeStefano's This Little Prayer of Mine not only entertains our children, it teaches them how to pray and expresses gratitude to God, among other things.

A book has to have a purpose to make it past round one in our house. This Little Prayer of Mine finds purpose in teaching all children that prayer can be simple, is accessible to them, and is an international method of communicating with God. This little book is packed with purpose.

Next, the book should pronounce it's main message simply and make it easily understood. DeStefano more than meets this requirement by providing a rhythmic cadence and words that my 8 year old finds familiar yet new again in this setting. He gets the simple message: prayer is talking to God.

Finally, the book has to have excellent illustrations. Little Prayer of Mine offers detailed illustration of children from all nationalities with primary and bold colors that cause the reader to linger on each page. Bothy my son and I spent time just looking at the pictures and talking about them.

Little Prayer of Mine passed our litmus test with flying colors. We have read and re-read many times already. This is a book that will find a permanent place in our library, and in our hearts.

Find out more about the author on his website: Spirituality Made Simple.

Note: This book was provided for me by Waterbrook Multnomah for review purposes. The thoughts and ideas expressed here belong completely to me.

Diamond Candles Company Giveaway Opportunity

2011-12-05T15:34:00.001-05:00

Have you experienced a soy candle with amazing aroma that inspires and makes your holidays go smooth and relaxed? Have you seen anything like waiting with anticipation what's going to be peaking out of the hot soy liquid while the candle is still burning?If not, then Diamond Candles Company would like to invite you to Review and Giveaway their Precious soy candles. Why "precious" you'll ask?

Well, each candle harbors a ring valued anywhere from $10-$100-$500-$5000 each. It's anticipation that really gets you going! What kind of a ring am I going to unveil from the glittery pouch hidden inside the soy wax?

The Criteria for Your Participation can be found at Celebrate Women Today. Hurry over and find out more!

Consider, Review and Revise: Vision Casting

2011-12-03T16:24:00.001-05:00

Once I decided that I would be healed from the wounds of broken vows and this broken relationship, I knew I had to have a plan for recovery. There is no way to sustain healing without a plan to live healed. I had to consider the best ways to help myself and my children through divorce and create an atmosphere of wholeness and healing for them. That included having a working relationship with their father. That took planning.

While I was on the path to divorce recovery, I got sick. Not just flu or pneumonia - disablingly ill. For nearly two years I battled illness in addition to awesome nature of this huge life change, going from having a husband and a full nuclear family to being a divorced woman with children. I had actively engage as a focused advocate for my family AND advocate for myself in a sea of doctors, specialists and human resource people for my health and our financial livelihood. It took a plan.

Annually reviewing the outcome of my choices, I question whether I've lived up to the standard I set and if my life is in a desirable condition. Am I living how I want? Did I achieve anything? Was I a good parent, sister, daughter, friend, servant of the Lord? Did I do all that I could to represent Christ on this earth? Was my stewardship equal to the mandate of my Christian life (did I spend my money, time and gift accountably?) Did I do anything to bring something good into the world? What do I need to do going forward?

At this very moment you are sowing seeds that will bear fruit in the next season of your life. You reap what you sow. In order to influence what your gonna reap, you have to be cognizant; aware of what you've planted and plan to plant better or differently. I call this process Vision Casting.

"Choice, not chance creates our destiny."
Bishop C. Garnett Henning

Consider springs preparation for summer - what an easy correlation. We all know the idiom that April showers bring May flowers; or that Spring comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. These both suggest that a certain condition (rain, wind, temperature) affect another condition (vegetation, temperature, bounty). There is a connected process; real evidence that its a cause and effect thing. What nature does in the spring affects the conditions of the summer.

For my personal vision casting, I block out uninterrupted time to give it my full attention. Get a room in a nice hotel, put out the do not disturb sign and try NOT fall asleep, but focus on the task at hand. (Yes, I have so gotten a room for the weekend with this intention and spent most of that time sleeping. Hmm...being a woman is hard in an ADD world!) Get some comfy lounge wear, pencil and paper, nice comforting music and energy food, and go for it - dig into it. Start with a free flow of writing about the year in review.

You could Vision Cast without reviewing, but I believe the results are just better if you know who you are. To know that is to bear in mind from whence you came. Talking or writing about the successes and failures of this past year gives a tangible, concrete picture and positions us for new growth.

Intrinsically, I know the value of looking at the past before making a new plan. One of the most credible reasons for review is supported by the very existence of the Bible - a look at the past of our Christian faith to show us how to live in the right now.

We live in a world of situational attention deficiency - there is just too much going on. Our fast paced technologically sustained world and the constant situations that arise won't allow us to effectively store the detailed plan in our minds. To move steadily through an experience like divorce we need the presence of peace and purpose with a steadfast hope for those things to come.

The word of God plainly mandates us to record our visions to make them understandable, which will give us the strength to stay focused in fulfilling them. Writing it down, taking it from your mind and making it tangible, takes some of the chaos out of living.

Do you do something similar to vision casting in your life? How has it helped you? Do you believe that not making a plan is still the same thing as making choices about your standard of living? What have you read, heard or experienced that helps you manage your life? Share it with me in the comments section.

Although this is not a contest posting, there may be a gift for fruitful comments. Make sure to include your email address in your comments!

Winter Wonderland Giveaway!

2011-12-01T08:11:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Winter Wonderland Giveaway Event. We have partnered up with lots of different and wonderful bloggers to bring you some fabulous prizes, just in time for the Holiday Season!Giveaway starts December 2nd at 12:01 AM EST to December 15th at 12:01 AM EST. Giveaway winners will be announced through the Rafflecopter widget and notified by email by the end of the day on December 17th, 2011. Winners must reply to email notification within 48 hours of delivery, or a new winner will be chosen.

Participating Blogs that made these giveaways possible:

Pink Dandy Chatter
Outnumbered Mama
PS Mom Reviews
Pawsitive Living
Spilled MilkshakeThrifty Divas
Indiana Coupon Savings
Social Studies Momma
The Frugal Mom Debs Dealz
Mamalou's Gems
Magical Mouse Schoolhouse Disney Contests and Sweepstakes
$uper $avin' Momma
Personalized Sketches and SentimentsHalf-Pint House Handouts
Horseshoes
Chitown Cheapskate Get Outta My Head Please
Capturing Magical Memories Finger Click Saver
Tenuous Thoughts of CandyReading Teen
Sober Julie Doing Life One Busy Moma
All In One MomLuv Saving Money
Jenny At Dapperhouse
My Secret Home
Black, Divorced and VirtuousA Gal Needs...
Mommy2Nanny3Doggy1
Sweeping The USA Between The Lines
Mommies and Beyond Crunchy Beach Mama
Savin' It Up
Mayra's Secret Bookcase
The Working Writer's Club
Counting My Kisses
Lily's Laundry
Thrifty Mommas Tips
Yummy Boy Mummy

As Mom Sees It

Celebrate Woman Today

GIVEAWAY PRIZES:

* Winner will receive one Wi-Fi, 6" E Ink Display Kindle Touch

*This giveaway is open to the US Only

*There will be 1 winner chosen to win this giveaway

***

* Winner will receive one $50 gift card to use at Amazon.com

*This giveaway is open to the US Only

*There will be 1 winner chosen to win this giveaway

GIVEAWAY ENDS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15TH AT 12:01 AM EST

GOOD LUCK!!!

Holiday Survival 101b

2011-11-27T21:06:00.001-05:00

Around this time of year, we usually get at least one sermon about getting through the holidays and remaining ambassadors of Christ, giving love and inciting hope. Our Pastor would give us Holiday Survival 101, reminding us that we already know what the holiday will bring, and we should be proactively positioned to remain Christ like in our responses and actions during this season.In other words, as she would say "don't bring God any slaughtered lambs" that have been wounded with our thoughts, words or deeds because of a tense holiday gathering. I appreciated that annual reminder. It helped me to develop a giving and forgiving mindset and enjoy the holiday's with love and laughter.

This season should be filled with good feeling and great vibrations; yet statistically it's a time with high rates of depression and suicide. People feel more alone than at any other time of year. It's also a time when even the most confrontational family member is going to be sitting around the dinner table and stirring up the trouble brew. If your family is anything like mine, there will be a lot of laughter and love, and a couple of thinly veiled barbs and jibes. If nobody takes the high road, a neatly lobbed barb could spark a cold war. You have to be careful to remind yourself that this is about love and nothing less.

For a family of divorce there's an added dimension to the holiday frenzy - shared parenting. One parent is going to be without the kids during a time that extols the virtues of family togetherness. You can really see the effect of divorce on everybody, including the extended famlily.

This year, I felt myself getting melancholy on Thanksgiving, not having my children with me. I have to admit that for the first time, I felt lonely without my babies. My 7 year old was with his father, and my teenage daughter was with her cousins. Me, a woman who loves her own company and rates it at the top of the list when it comes to people I want to spend time with; I felt lonely.

It was such a foreign emotion, I had to get over the shock to allow myself to feel it and face it. Then, I tried to call my best girlfriends and my sisters, because I needed somebody to bear witness to my loneliness. When I couldn't get in touch with anybody, I asked God who I could talk to about this unfamiliar emotional territory I was embracing. Ironically, or not, I begin to talk to Him. Out loud. In my car. I got therapy that people pay thousands for; and it was immediately effective.

To know my family is to understand why it was necessary to have permission to embrace a notion such as loneliness. The whole lot of us have driven, A-Type personalities and appreciate the company of our own selves so much that recognizing loneliness is as extreme as wearing white after labor day. (You just don't do it. It's not debatable).

Depending to whom you speak, admitting to feelings of loneliness can result in anything from the need for a 24 hour suicide watch to a family wide discussion on how you should get your mate back and never should have let him go. It's a sign of weakness.

Just because God is so lovely, He reminded me that in my weakness, He is made strong. Plus, loneliness does not equal weakness. How I handle my emotions, though, could very well expose a weakness. When I was done having a little talk with Jesus, I was no longer lonely. I was, however, still alone.

I recognized I need a plan of action for holiday's with or without my children. Thanksgiving morning I joined my Mom and sisters for Coffee Time. I did light housework and nearly nothing else. It was such a shock to my psyche that I felt guilty about it! You know the saying - an idle mind is the devil's workshop. The flip side to that a mind concentrated on Christ is not idle - it's occupied.

I'm divorced and this is a regular part of my lifestyle. For that reason alone, it requires planning.

When my kids came home, I was relaxed and excited to see them. Now that Thanksgiving is past, I think I will get ready for Christmas. I will definitely have a plan in place from now on, whether with or without kids on any given holiday.

Mmm...that's good

2011-11-25T12:18:00.001-05:00

My son loves these Chiquita Juice & Fruit duos. He eats them in his lunch, after school, and when he wants a snack. I had to taste it to see if it was as good as he makes it seem. I LOVED it. The juice is so fresh and the fruit is crisp and lovely. There are plenty of varieties and they are all our favorite! Try 'em

Healing for your Heart

2011-11-15T19:57:00.001-05:00

Have you wanted to understand why you reacted a certain way to your spouse, your children, your siblings? Or maybe, you wanted to figure out why after you told yourself you would not react to the ex-spouse in an explosive manner no matter what, the same argumentative end of the encounter occurred?

Author and Pastor Andrew Stanley has written an incredible work of healing in Enemies of the Heart: Breaking Free from the Emotions that Control You, that dives right in to our heart situations with great precision and puts on notice the enemies of our heart: guilt, anger, greed, and jealousy. Stanley gives us the tools to fight back and gain foundational balance in facing down the enemy and getting the victory over the matters of our hearts.

Haven't you wanted to have a more fruitful relationship with the people you love, or worked better in a professional relationship, or understood how to be a better parent to your children? This is the book for you.

I have had all kinds of Franklin Covey classes, instruction in understanding personality types, being a better me and managing my personality with others for productivity. I recently read When the Hurt Runs Deep by Kay Aurthur, which is also a brilliant read; yet Enemies of the Heart spoke to me in a completely different way that gave me insight into some small hidden spaces God needed to get into and sweep clean.

Stanley is no nonsense in his conversational deliberate delivery of this informative anointed text that makes you feel like you are just having coffee with a good friend, and a really great conversation too. One that you both will walk away from changed.

I highly recommend Enemies of the Heart to anyone who wants to improve their interpersonal relationships, understand what the battle is about, or just live and love in a better way.

Note: This book was provided for me by Waterbrook Multnomah for review purposes. The views expressed here are solely my own.

And the beat goes on...just like our love

2011-11-06T11:03:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you a little secret...love is what it is. Period. In my personal experience, people sometimes harbor a vile anger toward an ex-spouse. Except that anger is not really towards a person. It can't be, logically, because one person wasn't in that relationship alone. Anger can mask fear of another emotion, in this case it is often fear of bottled up hurt and pain. There are some emotions that are not easy to face; some, even, that require giving God full permission and exclusive entrance into your soul and situation.

One of the most difficult exercises in faith is asking God to show you all of you. The difficulty lies in the fact that you are not all that pretty in entirety, and not at all what you have pretended to be, either publicly or privately. It is a humbling experience, but also one full of freedom and revelatory wisdom. There are issues I am still facing that make me cringe.
Like, how come I cannot tell a person is secretly mentally ill until I have already engaged in a friendship or relationship with them and they become diabolical, and then I feel all bad because they are nuts? Am I secretly nuts for attracting them? What did I do wrong? Who, me? Okay, as you can see I still have work to do. We all do - it's a continuous work in progress. He did say the perfecting would continue until the coming of Christ Jesus. Don't judge me. It will take too much time and you'll get all caught up in it, and have no time to spend with God on yourself. It's a trick of the enemy, don't let him use you today. I digress {and isn't that normal?}.

Let me try, in my human way, to tell you what I know from experience as the benefit from looking through a Spiritual mirror at your pretty/ugly self in entirety.I love my ex husband. Yes - this is as big a surprise to you as it was underwhelming for me to accept. I want him to have a successful, fruitful and blessed life in Christ. I want my children to have a healthy and whole father who can show them the truth about what a father and a Godly man looks like. Here is something else you should know: he is not the same man he was when we went through our divorce, and while we worked up to it. That is because of God and not by any work of his own hands.

Now, to say that I love him is not the same as saying that I want him, or I want to be back in a marriage with him.I do not want to be married to my ex husband. That would be to limit myself to experience only that particular aspect of love. The past happened, really. It is forgiven, but it is not erased. That is what God can do - he can forgive your sin and remove it from Him as far as the east is from the west. Not people. We can forgive each other and not charge each other for our past in present and future dealings; but we will not forget. That would be insane. Who among you can say that you can erase history? You lie, just like that.

Would you not think it odd that a lioness and a jackass were married? What if the jackass told the lioness he was born again? That is an extreme example of uneven yoke. I am often amazed when people say they are born again and think that means God made them a completely different physical and mental person than they were before. He did not. He gave you the mind of Christ that if you would be disciplined to use it, you would do right when your flesh would tell you to do wrong and you are still of the same species. If you don't work out your own soul salvation and understand that you are man made in the image of God after you accept salvation, you are still like a baby - trying out everything. Pulling your own hair even though it hurts every time you pull it.

What allowing God to work out my hurt and pain does is allow me to embrace my love for my ex husband, free me to embrace the good memories we made together, the family members we have in common, and substantiate the new relationship we are building as parents, without malice.

Because of this freedom, I don't have to be in a rush to find somebody to 'replace' him to prove to him, naysayers, or even myself that he is replaceable, because I know that any new intimate love can only enhance the past love I have experienced. I don't believe Jesus ever intended for us to dwell on any one experience of love, but to embrace each experience of love as a new and more exciting, invigorating engagement.

We have a propensity toward cloaking love in human conditions. Love is a separate entity that exists outside of our humanity. It's completely superior, and that is why we mess it up so easily. Love is about beauty and ugliness, perfection and flaws, good and bad, success and failure. That is why Peter admonishes us in I Peter 4:8 that above anything else we do, let the deep love that we have for each other show, because it COVERS OVER a great number or collectivity of; a great amount of sins.

It's everlasting.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. I Peter 4:8NLV

Stronger and Wiser

2011-11-04T15:31:00.001-04:00

Can you complete this sentence? If this happens__________; then this will happen__________. I have been working through a Beth Moore bible study on the book of Esther, and at a point she asks a similar question. What happens when you ask yourself about what will happen when the thing that you fear actually comes to fruition? In Moore's study, she suggests that the thing most likely will never happen, and the whole concept is that we need to trust God in spite of whether that feared concept happens or not.

I wanted to call Beth up and tell her that I do trust God in spite of the odds, and many of my fears have come to fruition, and I'm still standing. I don't even have to complete the sentence anymore. One might say what if a spouse or significant other cheats on me? I will just die. No you won't. You will find an inner strength and understand that he comes from a background and has a weakness somewhere in him that is crying out for help.

You may or may not be the woman who can stand by him while he gets that help. But you had best believe, you are the woman who can reach out for the hand of Jesus, who can and will help you through the hurt and betrayal of a moment in time. The first time I knew my husband cheated, I forgave him. It was never a deal breaker, because I expected it of men. The next time, it made me judge his character. Finally, it became a deal breaker because it was a was about discipline and self control, and about love and respect for me. But it did not kill me. Instead it made me define my self worth and what I wanted my children to know about a woman's worth and a man's respect thereof.

Frantic children might say, if my mother or father dies, I don't think I will be able to make it. Yes, you will. You will realize that that parent has poured into you the very best they had to give you and it would be trampling on their legacy for you to give up now. It is ours to stand on the shoulders of our ancestors, not sit on the curb where they once made history.

I looked up at the window from which my father fell to his death, and I felt the quickening of my pulse and anxiety rising in my being. "Be still my soul." I spoke aloud. "He wouldn't want to come back here." It's alright to miss a loved one, but not to stay in the moment of the loss. They are NOT watching over you - to believe so is to believe they are in torment as they spend their eternity watching the messes you are making on this earth. They are in eternal rest and peace. The only way you get to catch them up on the Days of Our Lives is to go where they are. Get right saints, and lets go home.

Materialistic people might say, if I had to walk away from all of this today, what would I do? You would do just fine. I walked away from a completely furnished Victorian home with one basket full of clothes for my children and myself and moved into a 2 bedroom garden studio. The Holy Spirit spoke to me when I walked into the apartment and said that this was the place. I brought my children to see it and they walked through and said 'mom, this is our home'. We moved in over the next week. We have been here over a year now, and every single piece of furniture is new. It is fully furnished. We still have clothes, furniture, toiletries, etc., at the old house.

One week after I moved in here, my Doctor called and told me I had to go into surgery 5 days later. Six weeks after that surgery, I had a stroke like migraine that was the beginning of a year long health debacle which has left me still searching for answers. The whole way God has provided for every need and even some of our desires.

Of course, in all of this I have asked God, why? Why does this need to happen in my life? God doesn't really answer why questions for me. He gives me another, more relevant question. What now? What will you do now? Will you use what you have learned in the midst of this trial to live again, or will you sit in a corner and act like that will make the next tribulation pass you by? Life can still see you in that corner. Your destiny is still yours and if you let fear keep you from it, you will have just walked through your life WITHOUT LIVING. But you still went through.

These trials come to make us stronger. Look at yourself and see what kind of stuff you are made of - question your faith, your fortitude, your character - then think about whether you can or even want to finish the statement if, then. Or would you rather be the type of person who says, Whatever be tide, God is the master of the earth and sea, and safe in His arms is where He holds me?

2011-10-20T16:56:00.000-04:00

How Much Do they Know?

2011-10-18T23:08:00.000-04:00

At my daughters school, journal writing is a routine exercise. Daily, students write reflectively in journals by whatever prompt is provided. On one such occasion, the writing prompt was Proverbs 5 from the Holy Bible.

As is customary, I received an automated email to inform me that my daughter never completed this assignment. This troubled me, because of all classes, she had never gotten a report like this from Bible class.

I looked at the email a couple of times before deciding to read the assigned scripture, Proverbs 5, for clues as to why she rejected the journaling assignment. Two things my child loves: to hear herself talk, to admire what she has written. She is gifted at both. Grabbing two of my bibles, I got cozy on my sofa, prayed for understanding and began to read.

First I read the King James Version. The first 6 versus set an alarm off in my heart. The scripture was instruction for a man, cautioning him to be sensible and warning him about the perils of another mans wife. The scripture goes on to tell what will become of a man who does not heed the warning. This was touchy for my daughter, who still harbors discontent with her father surrounding our divorce.

Versus 15-20 helped me understand why she had skipped this journal writing all together. These verses caution a husband to love the wife he has, to be faithful to her, and not to give his love away in the streets. The scripture ends by telling that such a man will be caught up in his own wicked ways and sin, and will perish because he is foolish and cannot control himself.

I read it a second time in the New Century Version of the Bible. I consider this to be my comfortable Word. It clarifies and highlights my understanding. This made my Spirit ache. I was pretty sure why my child didn't complete her journal entry. This Proverb was talking about her life and the adults in it. How could she comfortably write about that for someone else to possibly see and read?

I had to talk to God about this again, then I contemplated calling my ex husband. Deciding against it. I thought about how far God has brought us safely, and knew I would need to start by talking to my child.

We sat down together, and talked at length about the scripture, what it meant, and how it made her feel. She read it again at my suggestion (insistence) and then she journaled. We both felt better, because we know God's Word is divinely inspired.

Just when we think we are passed this albatross of adultery and divorce, something like this rear up. However, we have the hope of salvation, and the power of God on our side. He works all things together for the good of us who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Tending The Garden

2011-10-15T11:16:00.000-04:00

Gardens are being gleaned for their final fruits, and jarring and canning is in process. We are doing the fall work to prepare for Winter. There is a lot of fruit to be tended to at this time of year.

If you garden at all (which I mostly do by using my supervision skills); you know that there is a method you have to follow if you intend to continuously reap from the land. In the fall, when the garden has given all of her fruit, it is time to prepare for the winter ahead.

My mom is a good gardener. Competitive, some might even say. She begins to take the steps necessary to make sure this earth can bear good fruit again next Summer. The very final step she takes is in covering the prepared earth with the beautiful fall leaves. When the snow comes, it falls atop the leaves, which have been naturally composted by the rain and weather of the fall.

The weather is fighting to change into full blown fall/winter here, with trees shedding beautifully hued orange, red and brown leaves into piles on days when the sun beats down 70 degree rays. Home of a Big Ten college campus, radios, televisions, retailers and fans all turn their attention to football - high school, college and national. Sweaters are changing into heavier jackets, tailgating is on tap, and area farms are touting pumpkins and apples,hayrides and hot cider.

This is a family time of year, so naturally, I think of my family as it is now and as it was. When you have been divorced, separated, or otherwise ended a life altering relationship, you should look at the seasons of that puppy, and check on what kind of fruit it produced, and why. Though hindsight is always perfect, it also allows for reflection to fine tune for the future.

The beginning of the relationship is like Spring - everything is pretty, new and fascinating. The earth, showing off the most beautiful and vivid colors God has created. Showing each other our richest jewels - what we have to offer at our first love.

Summer time is when seeds planted start to give up their first fruit. Some of them bloom and produce beautiful fruit; some wild, racing vines and flowers, and still others never bloom, or become entangled by weeds. We begin to know each other in our intimate or inner selves; finding out there are some wonderful gifts, some hidden dreams and talents, something wild and yet untamed, and yes, some bondage and trouble spots. We start to know how we compliment each other and encourage the greatness in each other, and others start to recognize what the combination of our gifts produces.

Fall brings a calming change in the weather. Brightly colored fruits of Spring begin to fade and fall away, leaving bareness, nakedness. Roots are revealed as the origin of the different good or bad items in the garden. A good gardener starts to rake away some of the roughage. If we plan just right, we can turn this roughage into a compost that will invigorate growth. This is a time that encourages slumber, when work is necessary. One of the most important seasons. If we slumber through this season, Winter will not be kind to our garden, or to our relationships.

I don't deign to tell you how to tend to your relationship; just that as an acquaintance of mine suggested recently, if you want to know what the good stuff of it i is look at the Spring and the Summer. If you want to affect what will yield in those times, take that knowledge and prepare during Fall for the Winter, A good gardener progressively cultivates the garden, and employs key ground preparation at the pivotal times.

Take some time to look at what the fruit was or is from your intimate relationships, both good and bad. If there is something that you can do better, more often, or stop doing to cause it to change in a way that bears more good fruit, better quality fruit, or relationship sustaining fruit- shouldn't you do that? Even your relationship with God can surely use some pruning. I am looking at my garden now.

-E

Here are some thoughts to ponder and a place to start:

What season do you think your relationship with _______ is in currently?

What steps do need to take to cultivate the relationship in this season?

Write it out, make it plain, and get busy.

Valley growth

2011-10-08T21:40:00.000-04:00

Tonight was a prime example of how God allows growth in the valley. My 7 year old son sang in a children's choir by himself for the first time, and my 13 year old daughter assisted with the choir. My kids sing in this choir every year, and it is an amazing event.

Normally, my son and about 4 of his cousins sing in the choir, and my daughter sings as well. This is her first year helping with the choir because she has graduated - she's 13 now. His cousins were either out of town or not participating. He was alone with about 45 friends and acquaintances. Yes, I know, but it is not the same. He was nervous.

Okay, I was nervous.

I am always early as the choir members need to arrive half an hour before the event is scheduled to start.

I sat in the front as usual but not in the very first row. Yes, I am a hyper parent who sits in the very front row. This time, I sat about three rows back toward the center aisle, so I could see him and he could spot me at his leisure. My son is different from my girl child. He wants to know you are present, but not that you are up front singing all the songs and doing all the hand movements.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't do that. Ever. I can't help it.

My family was not able to make it tonight. I was a little nervous about this too. Nervous about not having anybody sitting next to me to support my babies. I know that I am enough for them, but I am overly sensitive about family support. So I sat alone - almost. In the row ahead of me was a friend whose son was in the choir with Elijah. Across the aisle from me was a couple whose daughter was in the choir and whom I see almost daily because our kids go to school together.

Two rows ahead of me were two women I had become familiar with from the church we were in tonight just from being around for different events over the years. On either side of the auditorium were scattered people that I knew from choirs, groups and churches my children had interacted with over the last few years.

See how God works? While we were going through the dark night of divorce, I was involving my children in local activities and specifically christian choirs and events, so that they would continue to develop and grow. I was trudging through the valley, and He was busy supplying me with Christian friends and acquaintances that surround me so I don't feel alone.

I was overwhelmed with God and overjoyed at the discovery that I was in His house, with His people, not alone, and encircled by family - my Christian family. God sits high, looks low, and inclines His ear to my heart. What kind of God is this? I love Him.

Ex-husband and his mom sat near the back of the sanctuary through out the concert, and when Elijah's part of the concert was done, he sat with them. I moved over to sit with my daughter. Even here we sat with people we knew from our summer program and two community choirs the kids sing in (that preposition hurt). We sang right along with the choir, laughed at the customary bible skit with Uncle Frank and the gang, and had a great time. Ms. Cynthia Gowen is the absolutely most talented anointed woman with children and music I have ever met.

We hung a round a little after the concert, my ex husband and his mom, our kids and my friends. We greeted others and the kids talked to their friends and ate cookies.

I left with my kids, and we came home. We talked about the choir, the songs, and the day. This is our family, these are our friends, and our life rocks. I am grateful.

Have A Little Talk

2011-09-25T22:32:00.000-04:00

There are times when being a divorced woman, a single parent, amd a woman with an issue (fibromyalgia), all become overwhelming. Everything collides and the impact is formiddable. I am alone without a mate parenting two children who need physical, educational, emotional and spiritual guidance, trapped in a physical body that is not at topnotch performance or condition managing within an adjusted micro economy. It's incredible.

I stay organized and on task, all hands on deck and constantly active to make the best of our lives. I thank God for family support. But every so often, I forget to give my heavy yoke over to Jesus, and I almost break under the burden.

So, this past Saturday, I spent a day doing absolutely nothing. I didn't achieve anything, except a shower and clean lounge about clothes. I had no unction to function, and I did not want to think about what the next obstacle in my life was presenting. I didn't want to give up, and I didn't want to run head on into the storm, either. I just wanted to sit still.

It is hard to sit still when you are a results oriented person. Guilt overrides every other sense because you know how much there is to get done. Somewhere in your wharped mind, the sky will fall if you don't get it done. Never mind the sun still rose whether or not your floor was vacuumed.

I got up and cleaned the kitchen, sat back down and returned to continuous episodes of Bones, one of my favorite television crime shows that I only watch on Netflix or Internet, got up and loaded the washer with laundry. My niece came over in the evening and figuring that it would be a good idea if I ate something healthy, I made us a great salad with grilled chicken and fresh spinach and parmesan cheese. With back to back episodes of Bones. You get the picture; but it was still rest for me.

I needed to wrap my mind around the concept that everything was not going as planned. As a matter of fact, apparently some folks had not even READ my plan, or had simply discarded it. Because a small mess was brewing and an act of God was going to be necessary to get this plan back on track. It is in this very moment that I had to pull on my resources and say to myself, "self, I have never seen the righteous forsaken, nor His seed begging bread". I had to speak to myself and say "and if I ask these things, believing, He will do it"; I even had to remind myself that I am "a peculiar treasure" and "a royal priesthood". In other words, I had to speak over myself, and encourage myself, in the Lord.

Another of my nieces called me this evening, and had her version of a pep talk with me, which is how I know without anything like a DNA test that she is my Mothers grandchild. "Aunt Buffi," she says "you have a little talk with yourself and get it together. Don't you be sitting over there being depressed. We don't have time for that right now in our lives. Now I will make dinner for the kids tomorrow. You get it together, okay?"

I laughed, because that really was what I was doing. I was getting it together, reminding myself that though there be trouble, joy comes in the morning light; remembering that though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; remembering that His promises to me are Yea, and Amen and I am His beloved; and that this race is not given to the swift or the strong but to the one which endureth to the end.

That is what I have to do at times, and maybe I am wrong, but I am sure there are times when you have to do that as well. Times when you need to remind yourself that even though you are having a valley day, there is so much in the valley to gain that you know even this is a part of your victory.

By Sunday morning, I feel my help returning. The situation has not exaclty changed yet, but my faith is restored and that is more than half the battle. That is the whole thing. I encourage you today to speak words of faith and encouragement into your own life and over your own situation. Sometimes, you have to do it.

Give-a-Way Winner

2011-09-25T20:14:00.000-04:00

The winner of The Shack Give A Way is Diane. You will receive an email with more instructions. Congratulations and thank you for entering. More give a ways to come!

He Heals us because He loves us....

2011-09-17T20:17:00.000-04:00

On Friday evening I went to a local church to hear Wm. Paul Young, author of acclaimed novel, The Shack speak. Over a year ago, I listened to the book on audio - first in part because it was all that I could handle; and then in it's entirety. Then I listened again a few months after that. It changed my perception of the Holy Trinity; and my understanding of God's love. More than that, it helped me survive multiple tragedies. I had this date marked in my calendar for over 3 months; I intended to be present to hear this author, whose story of publication was just as profound as the story itself, speak.

Purchase at Barnes & Noble.com (click here)

A week before the event, a good friend emailed me to ask if I had heard of this author or read the book; she wanted to know if I was going to hear him speak. This further confirmed that I needed to be present. I was late getting there, but I still pressed through - there was something in this place I had to get.

I settled in near the back of a scatter crowded sanctuary, while Young himself stood center stage, excellently telling his story. Some of it I already knew; but he divulged more and more about God's love and his life. There were things I had forgotten or maybe never knew, like "the time in the Shack represents 11 years of my life," and "God is a God of relentless affection".

He talked about the life he had lived, one of "learning to live inside of and adapt to other peoples boundaries" because he didn't have the ability to set boundaries of his own, until his facade came crashing down, I was so wrapped up in the presence of God in that place and in his story, I was completely unprepared for what happened next.

"If God loves me at some point the facade has to come crashing down." I sat looking at this man, whom God has chosen to carry this magnificent message, and waited with the rest of the room, to find out what it could have been he was hiding. "What my wife now knew was that I had been in an affair with her best friend for 3 months."

I felt like I had been slammed against a brick wall. "God, why am I here?" I asked "Why do I need to know this? Why now? Jesus."

Given my own situation and the conditions of my divorce, this is a relevant response. I felt certain that it was the right response. I almost got up and walked out. What stopped me was this: God has made a wonderful testimony out of this mans life, and out of his marriage. He must want me to know something to have brought me to this place, and to have made so emphatically sure that I got here tonight.

I stayed. Surely if God forgave Paul, and Kim forgave Paul, I could forgive him too. And why in the world would he need my forgiveness?

I stayed for the rest of the event, and I received much more that evening, and went home. I thought about some of the things Paul said about why Kim didn't throw him out immediately after that horrid time. There were two things that made the difference in their marriage. The first was that he didn't blame anybody else - he knew it was about him; about his own mess and messiness, about his own sick state of being and he took the blame; and the second was that he opened the phone book and called a crisis center and asked for help.

I spent a lot of hours thinking and praying about why it was important for me to be there to hear what Father, Son and Holy Spirit wanted me to hear that evening. It is not simple enough for me to put it in a few sentences, but here is the down home truth of the matter:

"God forgives His children who commit hurtful acts against others of His children because nothing we can do changes His affection for us. While we may have conditional love for one another, God was already well pleased with us before we were formed in our mothers wombs, and His love is unconditional. Just as God never abandoned me in the midst of my mess, He never abandoned my ex husband either. Now, He just wants to heal us, both, individually; and all of us, collectively, because that is the ultimate goal of our faith - the restorative healing of eternal life with God." - Elizabeth

Have you read The Shack? It is on my highly recommended reading list. I encourage you, challenge you even (was that Mean Ole Lion-ish) to read it.

Win a copy of The Shack!

One follower will win a copy of the book just by following my blog and commenting. Note: You must follow Black, Divorced and Virtuous, and you must leave a comment section. Don't forget to leave your email address so you can be contacted if you win.

Comment should answer this question: Have you ever experienced an urge to be somewhere, even when things kept getting in the way of you being there? What happened?

A winner will be picked on Friday, September 22, 2011.

When does the good stuff start?

2011-09-03T19:37:00.000-04:00

When does the good stuff start? Shoot, as my Grandma would say, my good stuff started on the first day I realized I was free from bondage. Free from all of the heavy weight that held me down so strongly that my shoulders bowed forward when I walked.

The good stuff started when I believed that we could heal, grow and even be a healthy family unit in a different way. In my blind faith, the kind I always have, I thought we were well on our way. Even though it didn't quite work out that way, I still held on to what I knew was true - God is in the healing business.

When you are a co-dependent spouse, you need time to heal from all of the years of wounding a spouse's "growing" or "sowing wild seeds" can do in your life once they determine to get well. It is not possible for us to heal in a prescribed amount of time because that spouse is ready for us to be healed, or because the clergy said we should be healed. One thing I learned from Griefshare and personal experience is we all grieve in our own time and our own way.

Just as I couldn't tell my ex husband when and where to cheat or be faithful, man up and be committed to his family, honor the vows he made before man and God, or reverse any other curse inflicted on his little family at his hand, he couldn't tell me when to be healed.

While we started out waiting for God to deliver him from some pretty tough obstacles of his own, supposedly giving him one more year to work on his own progress and deliverance, he was also working on a relationship with a new woman who belonged to his church and remarried just a few weeks after our divorce was final. Neither our children nor myself was aware of what was happening, but on that day, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to go around to the church. It was the Holy Spirit that told me my ex husband was about to be remarried. I went to the church, and only when I actually saw him did I know it was true. My children were crushed, but I didn't interfere, I took them home and explained to them that their father loved them and what he was doing was not at all a reflection on them. I wrapped them up in a bundle of warmth and love and assured them that his love for them would not change.

The next day, I took them to their counselor, and we started at ground zero, almost back to the day of the separation. As parents, we often do not even think about how our choices are going to affect our children, let alone our own lives 3-5 years down the road.

My ex husband had decided that he needed to move on quickly with his life, and waiting for me to be healed from damage caused by the past was not in his plans. God didn't prescribe that for him. It took me a minute, but I am okay with that, because God knows what is best, He's seen the whole story - He wrote the book, and I have come to believe He also didn't plan for me to go backwards into the briar-patch.

After I got over the hurt (about 4 days later) and forgave him, I felt all kind of weights and bondage lift off of me. Most of the time, we get along fine (until somebody passes along some misinformation or we have third party involvement). My children and I were in the healing process together and we were learning to be a new family, embrace life, love and worship God, build a new life. This is the good stuff.

See, for so long I had been weighted down in my every day existence by the nightmare of living that had become our 'relationship plus others' that I couldn't breathe without wondering what the next curve ball would bring.

Suddenly, there was morning after mourning, breaking through night like a new day and I was alive, alert, and ready to heal; live, fly, forgive, move on, embrace my children; the future, the right now.

Oh my goodness - look at all the good stuff that is available for us. Even for you. Let's take a moment and just breathe, and heal.

When It's Cold Outside

2011-09-02T22:14:00.000-04:00

The unemployment rate is at about 20% among African Americans today (that's for real with reported and unreported). Money is one of the biggest contributing reasons for divorce. Theoretically, this means more African Americans should be experiencing divorce than ever in our society.

This statistic is strange to me, because it seems that when things are at there very worse, you should want someone to hold on to and encourage you when it's cold outside. The reality is that many men feel pressure and shame when they are unable to find "suitable" employment in an economy like this to take care of their family, whether their spouse is working or not. Tension can build incredibly with the pressure either spouse may feel from the mounting bills, unkind economy, stress, and pent up frustrations. The truth is, everything doesn't work out like a Tyler Perry play with a couple good gospel songs and an apology.

If I were to counsel anybody who had an ear to hear who was on the verge of divorce right now, I would tell them these things:

Remember your first love. Think about how you first loved each other. When you commit to be married to another person, it is not always about the pictured romance of movie and book fables. It is about the ability to support each other when the facade of greatness is gone; when the outside appearance of grandeur has been stripped away and you can only see each others weaknesses. Then let love abide.

Fight for your marriage. Remember the sanctity of the union. You may believe you have outgrown each other, but you have not outgrown God or the promises you made before Him. If there is any way to do it without denigrating or belittling each other, honor the vows you made. Agree to both be in the fight. Everybody's situation is different. Only you know why your marriage may end in divorce; but it doesn't have to be that way. Not everybody has irreconcilable differences.

Pray earnestly, and together. Pray for each other and for your marriage. Admit your fears and shortcomings one to another and pray without ceasing. Find a group of prayer partners who will pray you through. Be ready for change, because if you want your marriage to survive and thrive, you are going to have to embrace a new way of living and loving. What you were doing before was not working - that is how you ended up where you are now.

Communication - Keep communicating with your spouse. Remember that you do not hate this person. There may be times during this experience when you cannot, realistically, speak to them at all. Accept those emotions for what they are, but don't let them turn into hatred. Forgiveness is for you, not for them.

Can a divorced woman give advice to married folks? Yes, I can, because I walked through a valley you don't know anything about yet. I walked through it with grace abounding, and two things got me through it with victory: obedience and forgiveness. I definitely fought the good fight of faith before I became a black, divorced and virtuous.

From fear to faith

2011-08-26T09:16:00.000-04:00

Fear

Rat tail bastard liar.
Whispering to me in my left ear
drowning out truth yelling in my right
Telling me I was only good for coming home to
at night

Tryin to make me believe I should turn the other way
every time I could see the blemishes and and the stains
In the eyes of all his friends, then his fam and soon
his frenemies
Everybody knew, only the last to know was me

and Fear, such a weak blood sucking beast
thinking to ride me was a free lunch opportunity
I'm a hustler by blood, not one to be ridden
Trying to find out where the profit is hidden

Fear such a foolish child
put you back in your place
stand down, sit a while
let grown folks do real woman business
Tackle silliness in men without visions
and
dignity
who lack true and valiant missions

Yeah, fear, such an empty shallow space
absence of
equals bold shattering faith

What Are the Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children? | Divorce Ministry 4 Kids

2011-08-26T08:43:00.000-04:00

What Are the Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children? | Divorce Ministry 4 Kids

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Open your hand..there are new things

2011-08-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Open your hand..there are new things: What new things does God have in store for us? How often have you learned that when He allows a door to close in our lives, another one open...

Open your hand..there are new things

2011-08-23T09:35:00.000-04:00

What new things does God have in store for us? How often have you learned that when He allows a door to close in our lives, another one opens? It is true. The only way we don't see the new opportunity is when we are to busy focusing on what is ending. That happens a lot because we are afraid of what we do not know, having become so comfortable in what we have.

Although I knew what had to be done, I was almost like a bean counter, calculating how many other lives would be affected at the cost of rescuing mine and those of my small family. The biggest decisions I made when I took my life back were based in fear of losing what I loved or had become accustomed to; and hurting or disappointing people. God had already given me an open door. He knew what I was going to face, and He knew His plans for me.

It was everything and everybody that I would leave behind, be under the scrutiny of; and even cause pain to - that was the cause of my biggest remorse. I really had to hide under God's shadow to get through that part. First, I took care of what God had given me. I talked with my babies, prayed with them, got them into Christian counseling, got me into Christian counseling for their sake, and ours was a veritable house of prayer. We walked very carefully through a minefield blanketed by angels. God laid out His promises to me, which are in His word.

Oh, I nearly lost my mind in the process, but He kept me. See, sometimes in letting go of what is old, you have to pry your own little fingers loose so it can get completely out.

When the word and divine revelation come together, something amazing happens. I know what it means to have my mind staid on Jesus. It used to be a statement the elder 'saints' made at church. But when I had my mind staid on Jesus? He staid my mind.

This is real, so let me see if I can explain it a little better. For probably the better of six months, I was not carrying myself. Everything I did was in and of Jesus. In those six months I went through Griefshare, I went through counseling with my kids, I read and studied His word, and while I attended to the things of God, He attended to the things of me.

One of the most amazing things that happened was my ears were shut to the voices that held the most emotional blackmail power in my life. I just couldn't hear them. Because of that, my focus was directed toward action, planning, and healing. I kept my house in order; helped my children to thrive in mind and body and surrounded them with Christ minded people; better than that - kept those who did not have the mind of Christ at bay. We changed our environment completely. Our communication, our love for God, our health and family relationships - better than before. We still have those that were closed off to us during that time to work on, but the best part is that God worked forgiveness so tough that we can handle it.

It is almost as if Christ was doing His own surgery even while I was going through life sustaining surgeries at the hands of medical doctors with my failing health. But when it was over my life and health were recovered and I was renewed. For that I give Him praise.

I am sharing this with you to get to this point: old things become new. Yes, my relationship and marriage together extended over 20 years, and that is almost half of my life. That is a big chunk of who I was invested in another person and who they were and it came to an end. Not abruptly, but slowly through deterioration, neglect, and a form of ungodliness. But yet there was love there. God does not want me to dismiss that love. He wants me to embrace it, forgive in every way and love past my human capacity to blame, hate, loathe and fear. Then when I have reached my capacity, I understand that His love for us is far greater than my love can ever extend.

That exercise alone helps me get understanding, wisdom and healing.

I know that I will love again (doesn't that sound like some schmaltzy love song?) even though I am not quite ready. I have the revelation that a new thing is happening. An old door is closed and that can mean only one thing. Somewhere, a window of opportunity is opening.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Why can't we have the fairytale?

2011-08-16T20:51:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Why can't we have the fairytale?: "This weekend, I found out that two of my friends marriages were ending. I was not happy. I encourage all of my married couples to make sure ..."

Why can't we have the fairytale?

2011-08-16T20:50:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I found out that two of my friends marriages were ending. I was not happy. I encourage all of my married couples to make sure they have done all possible for the success of the relationship before ending it. My counsel is to seek wise counsel - pray together; and then get into counseling. Fight for your marriage. Don't let the enemy win.

When I heard about my friends marriages, I just wanted to ask God why. Why can't we have the fairytale? Why wont you let our marriages survive?

It seems so unfair that our children have divorced parents, and go through the heartache of mom and dad separating physically, emotionally and spiritually. It seems so unfair that after loving each other enough to commit to a lifetime together, a number of years have equated to enough.

I know that these friends have loved enough, forgiven enough, fought enough, cried enough, tried enough, survived enough, prayed enough, and even stayed enough that they should have been guaranteed successful marriages, the same as I should. Where else do you give all of yourself to another person and a cause for 10-15 years and then end up severed from that person? Eventually you return to stranger status. Where does that happen?

But life does not work like that. Even as I was asking God why, He was reminding me that His ways and thoughts are higher than ours, and our limited love is much different than His unlimited love. If some relationships do not last for a lifetime, it is not the end of the world. Nor is it the end of the story.

The further I grow into this divorced person that I am, trusting God with each new step in the process, the more I realize that I still have to pray for my ex husband and care for him. He is not a stranger. He is the man that I loved enough to take a journey that I would not with another man. I loved him enough to have his children and support his dreams. Really, that love does not disappear, it is just redirected. A lot of times it turns into bitterness and anger, if we do not understand that God has given us the imperative to love beyond reason.

I sometimes think my ex husband is the most frustrating person walking the face of the planet earth. I wonder why he is still speaking in the same atmosphere in which I am living. But I still have the capacity to love him beyond his faults and pray for his needs. I am not a saint, and I will tell him what I think of his best laid plans that are all for naught faster than I can remember my Godly purpose is to love past pain, which is temporary, and into life, which is empowering.

I am still hurt that my friends marriages are suffering, and maybe ending in divorce. I want them to survive. I want the enemy to lose at all cost. I want my own failed marriage to be an anomaly, not the norm. I want to pray for them with a power that wins. But in the end, I want them to be able to love each other beyond pain. Love beyond their normal capacity for love - like Jesus did.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Mommy is not your friend...

2011-08-07T18:50:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Mommy is not your friend...: "I woke up this morning feeling burdened because I had to make a decision that would disappoint my teenage daughter. I went through so many ..."

Mommy is not your friend...

2011-08-07T18:48:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling burdened because I had to make a decision that would disappoint my teenage daughter. I went through so many changes - I felt inadequate, burdened, lacking. I knew that in the scheme of things it was not that big, but for me in that moment it was huge; as it was for her.

Since I had tried so hard to make it happen, I decided to pray about it and ask God for direction. I felt like there was a message I was missing. It can get a little bit tricky when you are the good parent, the bad parent, and all the parent most of the time. I felt God was telling me to share with my daughter my own disappointment in not being able to give her everything she wants, but also share with her how important it is for me to be able to give her everything she needs.

I went to church in Cleveland, Ohio, and the church building reminded me of being a child in service. The Sunday school lesson was led by a church mother with just enough spark under her fervor for the Lord to excite everybody about learning God's lesson: God has a ministry for each of us. Just after Sunday school, we found out one of the loyal church members sister, who the Pastor was set to visit after service in the hospice, had passed away.

After praying and consoling each other, we went into communion service, where the message from the Pastor was exactly what the Lord would have delivered to the people who had loved one who had passed on from labor to rest. How could the Pastor have known and planned this perfect sermon for today? She didn't, but God did. That message was that no matter what the situation looks like, this is not the end of the story.

That was in essence what I wanted to share with my daughter. I wanted to tell her that I was disappointed that I couldn't give her what she wanted. More than that, I was hurt that she would be hurt and sad. But it wasn't the end of the story. There would be more opportunities for her to experience joy in this lifetime, more chances for me to give her above and beyond what she had asked for or thought possible. This wasn't the end of the story.

However, even the best laid plans....

When I went to tell my daughter how sorry I was, she began to tell me how unfair it was...I expected this, because she is a teenager. Then, she began to tell me how her expectations were not met. She begin to talk of how this is what she always gets and it is what she should have and it is not right or fair that she doesn't have it.

While she was talking I thought about what lengths I was willing to go through to get for her what she wanted, even humbling myself to people who took pleasure in knowing how much it cost me to do so. And for this attitude of entitlement and ingratitude. God was showing me what I had to see about how far I was willing to go to appease an ungrateful child. I was out of order, and the words of an elder in Sunday school rung back through my heart. "Grandfather disciplined us with the word. He never lifted a finger. But he tore us up with the Word. These kids today don't get that." Woooah Nelly. Jesus take the reigns, because I am surely driving the wrong direction, right and now.

I am sure she could tell when I stopped speaking that something had gone clearly wrong in our conversation. I was in a different conversation with Jesus. I was asking Him to give me the words that would bring new life instead of scar beyond recognition the life that had already been put in my hands to shape and mold.

I took stock of the situation. My child is bible trained. She can quote scripture, but more than that, she comprehends the Word of God. I told my child that while she is still mine, in no way shape or form is she entitled to all of the accoutrements that she has experienced in her life thus far. I will not spare the rod to spoil you. "These amenities have come at the behest of my sweat and labor, and sometimes tears, and only because I want to give you the very best life has to offer when it is within my reach to do so.

However, the only expectation placed before me while you are in my care is that you maintain breath so that you can fulfill your purpose before these last days expire upon this earth. You, child, need to think before you speak. You need to use the mind that God has given you to think about the things that proceed out of your mouth, because the betray what is hidden in your heart, and then people know what kind of heart you have. What is in your heart?"

I looked at my child, little entitled self absorbed child that she is at this moment, and waited for anything. She said 'I want to sit here for a while'. I let her sit.

(Note: By this, her 13th year of life, she is accustomed to the fact that when I really need to get something out, the way I talk changes. I can't be bothered to break my thoughts down into simple words. I have to talk the way my brain thinks. This is probably why she had such a dangerous vocabulary by the time she was 7 years old.)

It is hard sometimes being a divorced parent. Some things I have to figure out on my own without any earthly help. But with God? I know this is but a brief moment and a teachable one for me and my daughter. We both found out some today.

On another note, before my little girl even got to her room to think about herself, her cousin was here to pick her up to go over another cousins house, and her grandmother had called for her. She wants her to call for a private conversation between "me and her". Yes, this is why she feels entitled right now. Jesus help. But in the midst of all this spoiling, there is a teachable moment. What is in your heart, child of God?

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Under New Management

2011-08-03T05:01:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Under New Management: "Most any mother can tell you that once you birth a child, your priorities change. They are reorganized, placing the child(ren) at the center..."

Under New Management

2011-08-03T04:59:00.000-04:00

Most any mother can tell you that once you birth a child, your priorities change. They are reorganized, placing the child(ren) at the center of most decision making processes. This innate apparatus is ramped up times 100 when you get a divorce. I know I felt as if a horrible injustice had been done to my kids, and statistically they were now doomed to some failures in life because I couldn't...well, you get the picture. I am a books person, so I researched statistics, and started looking at the case studies on children of divorce who turned out to defy statistics. How did they survive?

To sustain your children mentally, physically, socially; some changes to the schedule are in order, so priorities shift again. To sustain your economy, a lot of elements may change, including child care, work hours, school locations, even in which activities the custodial parent and children can and will be involved. There's a lifting of hands, to say the least. Prayer is never ceasing, if you hope to get any of it right. Let God arise and the enemy be scattered.

For a long while my major goal was adjusting with the greatest amount of success and progress and the least amount of damage. That included christian counseling, relocation, sustaining faith and participating in our faith community, taking on new writing ventures, a new school for my kids, and later on, dealing with some major medical issues for me.

All of this hinged on us depending on God for our direction, and learning time management from Gods point of view. My Dad used to tell me that sometimes that God just has to lay you down to make you rest and let some things go, because you won't listen when he is talking to you in a still small voice. Read about Elijah in the bible if you don't know that God speaks in a still small voice. With all the things that were happening in our lives, all He wanted from us was simplicity in time management.

Put Him first. Every morning, we pray together. We take the time to place God above our situations and circumstances and place our day back into His hands. I am the head of this household right now, so I have to teach my kids how to place God first. The simplest way to do this is to pray the way He taught the disciples and then to remember the second greatest commandment - to love my neighbor as I love myself.
Work out your own souls salvation - we daily learn and grow in grace. How can I do the things I know of in the Our Father and how can I love myself so that I can love my neighbor if I don't understand what that means? Study to show ourselves approved. Private christian schooling, constant learning at home, faith based fellowship, personal relationship with Christ.
Stir up the gift within - We all have gifts. If we are doing something we love to do, our gift is most likely based in that area. God wants to use that gift to bless us, and to draw others to Him. It is a big deal for me to walk past fear and walk in my area of gifting not just to bless my church family, but to take care of my children and provide for my family. I had to work diligently on this, and because I was not, I had to experience some setbacks to that I could step forward. Don't get me wrong, God took care of us during those setbacks, but He also realigned my vision so that all I could do was learn how to use my gift more effectively.
Remember Him - Worship Him in Spirit and in truth. It is awesome to worship God. What more amazing rush has ever been had then to be in true worship? What is worship? To show God your love for Him with your whole being and Spirit, in truth.

Once our time management was revamped, there was little to no time left for some of the things we would have wasted our time on before. Our thinking was realigned. What we put into ourselves is different, so what we get out is different.

Shortly into this process, I found that my children have some very specific food allergies and reactions and removed certain foods from their diet, and from mine by happenstance. Their moods, behavior and school performance were affected almost immediately, for the better. I gained an improvement in my health, as well.

The quality time we spent together changed. We have always spent a lot of quality time together, but the nature of that time changed. We have become a more cohesive family based on the nature of Godly precepts and grounded by our experience.

My children and I are not perfected, by far, but He is perfecting this work which He has begun in us.

I am still human, I still have the gamut of emotions. I am angry at times because of what I feel like my babies are missing with their other parent. I pray through that and God reminds me of His promises toward them. I run into walls, but I know how to pray about a situation so that the window in the wall opens; or the wall crumbles.

What I know is that when your life changes, you have to change with it or you will be lost. Do something a new way. Since you have probably tried your own way, try God's. A year and 7 months ago I walked away from everything I had with two kids and some clothes. I am absolutely sure God is able.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Are we fighting? O Hayle No...

2011-08-01T23:48:00.001-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Are we fighting? O Hayle No...: "Sometimes we have disagreements, even in divorce. Usually, these disagreements are based in part in the source of the divorce. We are remi..."

Are we fighting? O Hayle No...

2011-08-01T23:47:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we have disagreements, even in divorce. Usually, these disagreements are based in part in the source of the divorce. We are reminded how we got here to begin with. Pray and work. Work and pray. It is still an evolving relationship.

It is statistically true - crimes are about money, sex or power. Of those three things, two of them are usually intrinsic - money and power. Divorce issues are no different. They are either passionate about money, sex or power. Let me cut to the chase where mine is concerned: money, ~~sex~~, ~~power~~.

It is time for school to begin anew for my kids. That means tuition finalized, new uniforms, school supplies, daily packed lunches, field trips, club fees, sports equipment, tutoring, etc.

I allowed my ex-husband to provide a very low amount of child support for the first two years so that he could get on his feet, economically, and with the agreement that he would help with extras, i.e. - school tuition, uniforms, club fees, etc. In his mind, he does help with those things, quite a bit. Probably even more than half. On a cold day in hell, that is just as true as it is in his mind.

Regular visitation? That has never worked. He sees the kids when it fits his schedule. I don't complain, because I don't make excuses for other human beings, therefore it does not reflect on me. That is a whole 'nother blog. Let me show you the money.

Ridiculous child support comes anytime after the 1st and 15th of the month. Although those are his pay dates, it could come on the 9th, 12th, 17th or 23rd. It is so unreliable and insignificant that I don't count it as household income. Most times I use it to buy whatever things the kids have been in dire need of since the last little check came.

I get phone call promises all the time of how much financial help the ex is going to be in the next two weeks, month, two months, future date to be announced. I allow them to slide right out of the ear not attached to the phone. They are invalid.

This is not to say he never helps outside of child support. He does. Last year he took our 6 year old to get soccer cleats and socks. He bought both of their mattresses, and he gives them pocket money from time to far in between time. He bought the boy a bike.

Meanwhile, our daughter had a summer math camp that was not free; he couldn't help with that. Our kids have a remaining tuition amount to pay for the upcoming school year, plus uniforms, school supplies, soccer and drama fees, and uniforms. He has $125 on all of that. All I hear is pennies dropping in the bottom of a barrel. I just kind of hold my peace and my breath, while imaging holding my piece.

Come February, he will definitely have more on everything. It is going to be cold outside and in Child Support court. Yes, that means for about 2 months we may not be able to have a civilized conversation, because he will be angry I took it that far, and I will be angry he forced me to have someone else illustrate his responsibility for the children I clothe, feed, pay medical care for, spend hours teaching, nurturing, loving, and raising.

The irony of the whole situation is the amount of time he spends telling me how much he helps me with our kids. How much financially he aids me in taking care of them, and how good he is at caring for them. And he believes what he is saying. I remind myself not to talk poorly about this man in front of his children or to myself, and to treat him as a person of value.

The truth is, I may see the $125, and I may not. The reality is, I am not depending on it a at all. I am depending on my day in court. That is all.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Divorce & Death: Awkward Moments

2011-08-01T13:56:00.001-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Divorce & Death: Awkward Moments: "Having dated my ex husband for so many years prior to our marriage, our families had developed close interpersonal relationships between ind..."

Divorce & Death: Awkward Moments

2011-08-01T13:56:00.000-04:00

Having dated my ex husband for so many years prior to our marriage, our families had developed close interpersonal relationships between individuals. There is a lot of love between us. There is still regular communication between several of us, and we are determined that we will never stop loving one another or lose contact with each other.

I don't want to give any fairytale ideas to you about extended family and divorce. People you think are your friends will turn tail and run the opposite direction without rhyme or reason, and sometimes in very mean spirited and negative fashion. Some folks have only been waiting for this excuse to tell you how they really felt about you all along.

However, there are just as many wonderful cousins, aunts and uncles with whom the relationships you have built over these years will withstand the test of the divorce hail storm and continue to grow.

In addition to this, when there are children involved, there are still existent family ties. Your children remain a part of both families, forever.

All of these details make it incredibly difficult when a family member dies. There are so many avenues to navigate. Dealing with this for the first time after my ex husband's remarriage adds even more twists to the proper protocol. My immediate response is to call those closest and console, comfort, care for them. I pulled back because it isn't reasonable. The cold reality is that although my children are a part of this family, I am not, even though we still have love for each other.

After I step back and pray for perspective, I have talked to my children, explained all to them, we have prayed together. I realize I can send my condolence through my cousin, and contact the family matriarch by phone. I definitely got busy doing what I could right away, and made plans to do more later.

Although my ex husband will provide me with information, there is a good chance I won't be at the funeral service. It's okay. These are some of the changes that come along with divorce. Life changes, but it does not stop.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Why am I RIGHT HERE?

2011-07-08T22:40:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Why am I RIGHT HERE?: "Confession: I should be at a party right now. It is a fab party for a great friend. Instead I am at home blogging. There is absolutely no re..."

Why am I RIGHT HERE?

2011-07-08T22:38:00.000-04:00

Confession: I should be at a party right now. It is a fab party for a great friend. Instead I am at home blogging. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot be at the party, outside of my kids are home. That is actually an excuse. My niece is right around the corner and would be here in a jiffy with her kids to sit.

The party started 24 minutes ago. My mind is telling me that I need to 'man up', get dressed, and go engage with people of my own ilk. Self motivators, entrepreneurs, artsy type people. People I admire and love even. My body is telling me 'man down, man down on aisle 10'. There is something intrinsically wrong with this picture. I should be putting the last touches on my make-up, jingling my jewelry, singing a song that makes me feel pretty. Look at me now, I'm fresha than a....

So, why am I still here? Why have I not jumped into my cute blue dress, and put on my sexy blue glittery eye shadow, and driven myself to the venue? Why don't I get a move on? What is broken in me? Am I past parties or am I stuck? Is there a rescue Ranger for me?

I need help. My divorced social life sucks, and I am partially to blame. I am lame. I could be on the dance floor, instead I am pondering taking a pain pill and going to the bedroom. Yes, I am virtuous, but I need a reason to challenge my virtue.

I have time yet. Only 35 minutes into the party. Maybe I can get off my hump and go do the bump. See, that was lame too! Help! I am divorced and disastrous!

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Lies, Myths, and other Good Intentions

2011-07-05T10:08:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Lies, Myths, and other Good Intentions: "'I'm coming to get the kids for the weekend.' Okay, I say to my ex-husband with very little enthusiasm. While there is no conversation neces..."

Lies, Myths, and other Good Intentions

2011-07-05T09:50:00.000-04:00

"I'm coming to get the kids for the weekend." Okay, I say to my ex-husband with very little enthusiasm. While there is no conversation necessary between myself and the ex husband, I will let you in on the reason for the disbelief in my responses.

Part of divorced parenting is working out a visitation schedule that allows both parents to be a valued and valid part of the children's lives. In our case, that schedule works in accordance to our children and their needs, plus extracurricular schedules. Factor in the teenager who refuses to step foot into the fathers house as long as the wife is there, and it works out pretty simply.

Our son is younger and more forgiving and forgetful of the past. He has visitation every weekend, supposedly on Friday evening or Saturday morning through Sunday at around 3:00 p.m. He also goes to the barber shop biweekly, and spends at least a week in the summertime. The daughter is a little more difficult to work out, so when visitation is scheduled with her, it is very important that it be kept. She does Father time only, which she will share with her brother and on other person on the face of this earth , and/or in Cleveland, Ohio. If this rule is broken, she will not do visitation for the next 3 months. Both kids do daily phone calls.

Even knowing all of this, my ex husband makes visitation promises that he doesn't keep. Initially, he made them all over the place - to me, to the mistresses, to family, and to our children. He is saved now, so he is a work in progress. That work has not been miraculous. While his intention may be to follow through on his promises, it is my goal that our children not become casualties to his attempts to get it right.

He and I have talked about how each time a promise is broken, trust disintegrates just a little bit more for that child, and what kind of damage that does. We have talked about how our teenage daughter may not trust men to do what they say they will do; and how she may feel like his word is no good. He is praying about that and trying to figure out how to restore it. Who wants their daughter to think their word is garbage? Yet, there is no overnight cure.

This takes time, and rebuilding of relationship, and keeping your word to your children, no matter what the cost. And I find myself trying to help him do that, which I should not be doing. So when he calls and says he is going to do something, which I know is a good intention and probably not a complete truth, I don't tell them. That way no trust is broken between them. I don't trust him anyway, so no damage is done there.

So, when he says he is "coming " to see the kids, get the kids, take the kids, I have learned to insist he make these promises to me, and not to them. I don't even tell them what he is planning, so that if and when he shows up, they are pleasantly surprised. That, to me, is much better than often disappointed.

Oh, he slips a few by me, and gets directly to them. In those instances, I do not make excuses for him. I hand the phone directly the child to which he has made the promise and allow him to explain why he cannot keep it. He gets to hear not only the disappointment in their voice, but how each time he breaks a promise, they believe him a little less the next time he makes one.

Every time he has to look at them, and disbelief is reflected in their eyes, he understands a little bit more how much work he has to do to repair the broken trust of the past. Until his progress is complete, I continue to shield them from lies, myths, and other good intentions.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Growing Pains: All grown up

2011-07-02T00:10:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Growing Pains: All grown up: "I woke up one day and realized I am not interested in what my ex is doing with his wife, as long as it doesn't affect 1) my children; 2) my ..."

Growing Pains: All grown up

2011-07-02T00:09:00.000-04:00

I woke up one day and realized I am not interested in what my ex is doing with his wife, as long as it doesn't affect 1) my children; 2) my child support, and 3) my plans. This is a true growth moment.

Our teenage daughter is tall, growing more lithe by the day, and had her eyebrows waxed as a gift from her Aunt last week. She is getting older. Our 7 year old son is having 'talks' with his 12 year old cousin, and counseling him, usually ending in encouraging him to pray about the things that they have discussed. He is growing in faith and wisdom. They won't be babies forever.

Our children are what keep us in communication on a personal level, as divorced parents. We work hard to iron out communication differences between ourselves so that we can raise healthy happy children, because we already feel we have slighted them by failing at marriage. We deal with each other more kindly because of them, but there is also an underlying camaraderie between us while we parent together. Small triumphs, victories, laughter over funny moments, joy over successes. Moments parents share in.

Slowly but surely, the relationship becomes more about the children and less about what we had together as a family before the divorce. The communication between us is becoming singularly about the children. Reaching milestone ages and events in their lives cause me to face the inevitable day when there won't be a reason for us to have that relationship. That is part of the change and growth of a divorced parenting situation.

This also got me thinking in terms of how I want to spend the latter years of my life. Do I want to be married again? I know I asked that question of myself a few posts ago, but I have to be sure I am being honest with myself. In my pondering, a better question is am I ready to date. I found out after asking myself a few real questions that I am not. I haven't reached that growth point yet. It would be unfair and selfish of me to date anyone if the purpose of dating is to entertain a possible future relationship. I am currently unwilling to give even 50% of my attention to another person.

So, while growth comes on some levels, it remains stunted on others. Living divorced is a continuous journey of revelations and successes. And some setbacks. But it is yet living.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Am I making Him a Momma's Boy?

2011-06-27T16:49:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Am I making Him a Momma's Boy?: "One of my sisters fave thing to say to my 7 year old son is 'Hey pansy boy,' to which he answer 'hey Auntie.' Sometimes he catches her off g..."

Am I making Him a Momma's Boy?

2011-06-27T16:47:00.000-04:00

One of my sisters fave thing to say to my 7 year old son is "Hey pansy boy," to which he answer "hey Auntie." Sometimes he catches her off guard and says "Hey pansy Auntie."

My older sister is gardening with Elijah's 7 year old help, when she points out a Daddy long leg to him. He immediately leaves the garden. She comes around to the patio and relays the story and tells him to "come on back out to the garden and don't be such a pansy".

Within the first awakening hour of any given day, my son has called my parental name at least 3 times....a minute. "Mom....Mom....Mom." Often, he doesn't even have a question or has forgotten what it is when I answer.

Recently, one of my husbands friends wanted to register Elijah to play football. He is coaching, and he wanted my son on the team. I declined. He suggested Elijah was a Mommas boy and I just wasn't ready for him to be out from under me. My son is not playing any organized sport for which I cannot be at every practice and game. He plays soccer and basketball.

Am I making him a Mommas boy? Is he going to be effeminate because he needs me too much? Is my baby a pansy? No less than Jesus was a Daddy's boy.

Listen, when a boy child grows up with his mom as the custodial parent, he is going to need her more. My son was born into a crumbling marriage. Because his parents serve a God who was good enough to oversee the dissolution of a mess, he grew through the divorce. He knows me as the person who is present through hurt knees, bumps in the night, one bed for all three of us nights, and solace in the storm nights. He knows me as the soother for all hurts, and the one who directs him to God who will answer all of our prayers.

He also knows me as the mother who surrounds him with men of valor who serve that same God. Listen, ladies. We who raise boys without constantly present fathers can help them grow into whole and valiant men, by providing for them what they need: real men to mirror and turn to in times of need.

God already knew there would be times when we would reach the end of our mothering and fathering would be necessary. That is why he said that HE would be a father to the fatherless. Let God be and everything will work out.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Is it Time for Dating?

2011-06-18T18:17:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Is it Time for Dating?: "Is it time to start dating? I feel ambiguous about the whole idea. Some days I don’t feel attractive and think of all the work I would nee..."

Is it Time for Dating?

2011-06-18T18:16:00.000-04:00

Is it time to start dating? I feel ambiguous about the whole idea. Some days I don’t feel attractive and think of all the work I would need to do to feel that way, and still at others I feel like a relationship would be bondage. Who returns to bondage after being freed?

I like the company of men, love talking to them within the ease of friendship. I am happy with that. I feel calm in the place I am in, concentrating on raising two children and giving them my undivided attention in a loving and undisturbed home environment.

But is it time for me to date again? To think about giving myself to a man? Well, I have thought about givvvving myself to a man, but you know what I mean.

There are so many things I miss about being married. Okay. One. Maybe two. The point is, I can count them all on one hand. Unless I count how many times I miss one of them, then I would need a few people’s hands and toes. Ha.

I miss regular and spontaneous sex. I miss visiting family in other cities and States and family trips. I love road trips. I miss some of my family who deserted, but I suppose I am better off without fair-weather maniacs. Oh, and extra income. I think that is it.

And random cuddling. I could have bought a Bichon Frise but I would have had to clean up after that bitch too.

Here is my point – I miss the idea of a family unit, more than I miss the missing person from that unit. We have a new unit now – my children and I. I almost shudder at the thought of having anyone interrupt our symmetry.

I don’t want to compromise my routine or share the time that is for my children. I don’t want to share the desires and dreams of another person, outside of my siblings, and my couple of very best friends in all of the ages, unless I am being paid very well to do so. Even then, only during work hours, and with reasonable restrictions. (Did anyone else notice how many times the word "I" was used in the last two paragraphs? Only reinforces my points.)

I would like to have someone to go to a nice event with, or with whom regular and sometimes spontaneous but also very safe sex could be had (yes, I know that is not in line with the Word). At least that person who would serve as a great escort to fundraisers, dinners, and as dinner.

When I was young, there were several bachelors who lived near my family. These men never married. They were always nice to us girls, in an older Uncle kind of way. They very rarely bought women to the bachelor pad. They seemed most happy with their lives. The world was different then.

Maybe I am on the way to getting ready to being almost ready to date in a serious way. Clearly, I am only ready for fun. Is that still allowable?

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Somebody better get these kids, or, How do we do D...

2011-06-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Somebody better get these kids, or, How do we do D...: "How do divorced parents do it? How do we work out parenting two decidedly near evil dwarf sized agents from another place and time? Divorc..."

Somebody better get these kids, or, How do we do Divorced Parenting?

2011-06-08T23:17:00.000-04:00

How do divorced parents do it? How do we work out parenting two decidedly near evil dwarf sized agents from another place and time?

Divorced parenting is no joke. It is no less stressful than married parenting. The most crucial issue is that we can reason together over what is best for these children. To do that, we have to communicate without interference. You know what that is – without being angry, jealous, bitter, and hateful, about the past. We have to forgive each other for the sake of our children.

She is a typical American teenage princess. She is working on every single nerve ending in my limited physical being. This kind comes out only by laying on of many hands and fast walking away before something really bad happens to the child.

He is a 7 year old boy, who lives to aggravate not only his teenage sister, but to call my name, which turned into Mom the minute they were birthed into this world at the hands of the midwife, as many times as he can utter it within a minutes time, continuously and without halt.

Our children are at ages of development that cause our ideas of parenting to constantly change. They find new ways to be disobedient, and we have to find new ways to steer them in the right direction, discipline them, and still provide an environment of love for them, while being divorced. This is not what we signed up for – at all.

We cannot just turn to each other for discussion and answers. Yet still, we need parental outlet and our children need to feel they have access to both parents. Especially when we are at our wits end.

On a regular basis, I randomly text my ex husband and tell him his children are driving me to distraction and I am sure that we need to tweak this shared parenting thing because the court can do a better job at distributing the time share arrangement. I believe it would work out better for him to have them for the whole summer rather than quick intervals here and there, while I do most of the custodial parenting and he does what I consider ‘virtual’ parenting. If it has been a particularly trying period of time, I may even include some expletives, although I don’t really need to do that. I find the vocabulary ripe with words that satisfactorily describe my angst.

You can imagine how many actual texts it takes to get that all out. Usually, he doesn’t respond until the next day, at which time he calls my daughter and has a discussion with her and my son about what they have been doing. Then he will call and inform me that he is coming to get them for a while. I know he really means this, just as well as I know our son will be packing to leave with his dad for a few days. Our daughter will be texting her cousins to come get her. She is not into daddy time at this age.

My ex husband and I have worked to get to this place, and continue to work. We recognize that we are divorced parents, and not just divorced people. That means we still have a responsibility to communicate effectively with each other and to be on one accord where our children are concerned.

It is not always perfect, but it is always a work in progress. We work harder at this than we did at being successfully married. Imagine if we knew then what we now know. God’s ways are so much higher than ours. How is that working out for you?

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Can a Divorce be a Success?

2011-05-28T07:57:00.001-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Can a Divorce be a Success?: "A friend of mine recently told me that marriages have hard times but you have to work through them and keep going. I wisely agreed and conti..."

Can a Divorce be a Success?

2011-05-28T07:57:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine recently told me that marriages have hard times but you have to work through them and keep going. I wisely agreed and continued listening without giving any advice. This friend went on to say that all relationships experience some rough patches, but its up to the people involved to work it out, between the two of them, and not let what they want dissipate because of a mountain or a molehill. I thought he was preaching really good. I said, Amen.

He had the right to preach this sermon. His relationship has been through more than some rough patches, it has been through barbed wire and back again, and he has been willing to work it out. He got me to thinking, wondering if maybe I should have been more willing to work it out, per se, when my husband was a repeat offender for the umpteenth time but with evidence suggesting he was escalating his carelessness in offensiveness.

I sat down with myself and some coconut yogurt plus Jesus and said 'self, rehash the situation'. I am a forgiving person. Incredibly so. I have forgiven my ex-husband for the atrocious behaviors and painful scars he wrought upon me and my children. We have a great divorced parent relationship even today. Yet, I realize that had we not separated when we did, he would not be in the redeemed state that he has found through Christ Jesus right now.

I had to recalculate. As a Christian there is only one viable reason to leave a marriage: adulterous behavior to which no reconciliation can be had. My husband had been forgiven for his cheating several times and not only did his ways remain intact, they escalated. He had two children outside of our marriage. I ceased sexual activity with him, and sought separation. All in line with the Word of God.

Sometimes a kid doesn't think the candy store will ever close. Even if it closes they believe it will open when they through a tantrum, or wait out the renovations. But sometimes the sugar just needs to be cut out of their diet so they can get well. That was the case with him. He needed to lose everything he had so he could finally call on the only one he knew who could help him up from the bottom he had reached. Jesus.

That was a long climb back up. One I didn't get in the way of with my enabling Spirit. At one time, this man ran hard for the streets. Now he runs hard for Christ.

I couldn't have fixed him. Only God could do that. Once he felt fixed, he remarried. Here is a crucial lynch pin. It takes both parties in a marriage to make it over hurdles and through mountains. If one is going a different direction, it's a done deal.

But God's promise is to continue the work He began until the coming of Christ Jesus, so He kept working in my ex husband, and he grew past that point of unwise decisions and sitting amount the counsel of unwise people,

Now, we can work toward raising our children as divorced parents in the love of Christ. Of course it is not magic - he still has character flaws and I am still perfect as I always was...but since he can see that better now everything works more smoothly. Just kidding. The relationship is different but it is overshadowed by the wisdom of Christ Jesus.

So, after all of that reflection I decided that my friend was right. Some marriages do succeed at overcoming many hurdles, especially when both parties are in the fight. Yet, while some marriages don't make it through the storms of life intact, they can still make it through successfully if the end result is salvation, which is God's intended goal for all of His children.

The Beautiful People or Let the fake ones go

2011-05-21T23:41:00.000-04:00

Initially, I was bereft at the thought of losing Aunts, Uncles, cousins; even one of my closest friends’ who was my sister-in-law in the divorce action. I was risking relationships that had been cultivated with care because of something perpetrated by my ex.

Truthfully, the magnitude of the impending loss kept me in the marriage longer. I just didn’t want to lose my family - for my sake and the sake of my children.

Have you ever been in a really good phone conversation and the call drops, but the other person doesn’t call you back? The conversation never gets finished, but it was a good conversation. That is how some of the familial relationships ended. I was in what I thought was a relevant personal relationship with some people that just abruptly ended when the ink dried on the divorce papers.

I consider these folks to be the Beautiful People from Nikki Lynette’s song. You know the kind – smile in your face, all the time they try to take your place? Yes, some of those.

However, there are a few people with whom the relationship changed, but only because it became more certain. My husband’s family knew what he was doing before I did. There were those who neither appreciated nor condoned it, and continued to love and encourage me as a divorced parent.

Those are the relationships I treasure, and intend to expend more energy and time cultivating anew.

I had several very close personal relationships that ended bitterly. I learned from the experience that real relationships grow through adversity. If somebody is not in it for you, they really are against you.

For awhile I felt like Vickie Winans’ singing – I been lied on, scorned, talked about sure as I’m born….I wanted to tell some people (and probably did) that they were truly the spawn of the enemy.

The Word say be either hot or cold, because lukewarm is still sending you to hell. Make up your mind which way you are going and go hard in that direction. Lukewarm people are haters in disguise. They will make you stronger. Let ‘me go. You have been through enough not to have the support of someone you loved who called you friend.

Take solace in the fact that the beautiful people are all over the place like freaking reject-thriving bloods sucking western Somalian mosquitoes being pretty on the outside and horridly ugly inside. They are not your enemy as much as they are the enemy of themselves. Remove yourself ( and your children) from any endeavor with these people for the time being.

Increase your time spent cultivating right relationships with those extended family members you get to 'keep' in the divorce. Keep your eyes wide open based on the experience you are having. People will show you who they really are.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Go Swiftly, Maria, into your future

2011-05-17T14:16:00.001-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Go Swiftly, Maria, into your future: "When I first heard the news of Maria Shriver's separation from Arnold Schwarzenegger. I was momentarily shocked. This was not a couple I ev..."

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Go Swiftly, Maria, into your future

2011-05-17T14:16:00.000-04:00

Go Swiftly, Maria, into your future

2011-05-17T14:10:00.000-04:00

When I first heard the news of Maria Shriver's separation from Arnold Schwarzenegger. I was momentarily shocked. This was not a couple I ever considered headed for break up. Initially, I was surprised that these two were in a relationship, but their grace and symmetry wooed me and the rest of America. They became a poster-child case for opposites that do attract and a love that makes both parties greater. This was one for the books. What could have caused it? Why would it happen? It took a few days for that part of the bombshell to hit the media.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s decade old affair with a staff member which produced a child, now aged 10, has me thinking out loud. If you haven’t heard some tidbit about this matter, you must be under a rock. Stick your head out for a second.

Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a statement about the separation between he and Maria Shriver

The divorce industry means a lot to our country. It has ramifications way beyond one household at a time. Our legal system is good at teaching people how to get divorced. Wouldn't it be great if somebody taught men how to stay faithful or not get married, thereby promoting the sanctity of marriage?

None of us can know whether the Schwarzeneggers’ relationship can withstand this betrayal. What dictates the quality of life after this moment is the manner in which the whole affair is handled. We don't know the dynamics at play because we are not privy to their most intimate personal relationship. Nor should we have that license. Yet we speculate.

Some suggest that Shriver should not leave the marriage. The child born out of the affair with a staffer is 10 years old, and he made a mistake. If he hadn’t told it, she still would not know. Men will be men and boys will be boys.

Is there validity here? Look how many marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate was 3.4 divorces per 1000 population in 2009 (Divorce Statistics and Study Blogs). While that is fewer than the loudly touted 50% (propaganda), according to an ongoing poll in Divorce Magazine, the biggest reason both parties cite for divorce is infidelity. Why should Maria be any different from another woman, ending a marriage because her husband is a cheater and a liar? This was not the first time the Terminator had been accused of straying outside of the gate. Any person who has the proclivity to engage in sexual activity with another while in a covenant (contractual), monogamous commitment will do it more than once. At this point, Maria Shriver’s mind may be besieged by the idea that the Terminator is a terminal cheater, and a prolific liar.

Consider the biblical instruction that some men should not marry; some men will never father a child; while still others need to marry. In my mind, those that need to marry are not the ones who fall in love, but the ones who think having sex is next to breathing oxygen. And they need to be satisfied with the woman they have. Maybe money, power and ...well you know the rest, went to Arnold's heads just like they do many other men. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Next consider the number of children born outside of an established marriage, bastardized by the instant gratification of a dishonest man. Think about the burden on the wife to maintain a constructive family life if she stays in the marriage. She now has a whole other family to incorporate into her once simple lifestyle. She will have to be in relationship with the child and subsequently, with the ~~whore~~. I mean the woman with whom the ~~indignant ass~~ - I mean, husband cheated. That's a lot to ask one woman to bear, while the man benefits from the complete arrangement.

The mistress will be vilified in more places than this post, and even more so because American’s love Maria Shriver and the Kennedy family et al. Already, questions are flying about why she was able to keep her job, with the full knowledge that she was raising the child of the Governor. How humiliating and hurtful it must be for Shriver to realize she has been looking at her husband’s concubine on a near daily basis for 10 years.

When Schwarzenegger finally made his own statement, days after the initial announcement, Shriver was not standing next to him holding his hand to show the nation she approved of his debauchery. It riles me to see the wives of sports figures, politicians’ and actors suffering through the degradation of the public witness to their humiliating betrayal and sometimes, sheer stupidity, standing by this errant corrupt man.

That hot mess just solidifies the right of men to play and not pay. Bull slobber. While I am not encouraging any woman to leave her husband, because marriage is sacred, I do want women to consider themselves. Steve Harvey said men treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If we stop allowing childish behavior to define adulthood by accepting the consequences of a cheating spouse, maybe we can teach a new generation a new way of living in a committed relationship.

I'm just thinking out loud. What are your thoughts on the matter?

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Child Support is not just a check

2011-05-11T22:18:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Child Support is not just a check: "Way before the day you decide divorce is the only option, you need to consider how to best help your children grow through the rancid relati..."

Child Support is not just a check

2011-05-11T19:01:00.000-04:00

Way before the day you decide divorce is the only option, you need to consider how to best help your children grow through the rancid relationship you are terminating. Now. more than ever, their has be a plan for how to raise the kids together - even apart. It will take both parents to get these kids to adulthood with minimal scarring from our adult shenanigans. If you can't make a plan together, somebody had better take the reigns. Helping the kids through this climactic time and then helping them stay emotionally and mentally healthy should be a top priority.

It's not all cotton candy and iced tea. We don't always agree on the same techniques or punishments. I don't always feel like I have to involve a person who is not present in our lives 24-7 in disciplinary, educational, or spiritual decisions. I have had to learn what information should be communicated between divorced parents regarding children. Is it necessary to call when I am going to Urgent Care with a feverish 7 year old? How about when the teenagers feelings get hurt by a mean girl at school? Is it important to share with the non custodial parent that the kids got punished because they didn't do as told? This is a whole new area of communication, and one upon which to tread lightly.

We both attend school events, both make pop-up visits at the school, and have a personal relationship with our kids. I, more so than he, since I am the custodial parent. He rarely misses a day of talking with them for at least 5-10 minutes on the phone. We live on the same side of town, which makes it easier for us to be divorced parents.

On the flip side, I am the one up at night with the sick kids; up all night with the science projects and studying for tests. Because I am the custodial parent, I am always the one who helps with homework and undertakes summer plans. I also am the parent who assumes the bulk of the financial responsibility. I pay for private school, summer camp, incidentals during the school year (where do they come up with some of this stuff? Lab fee, 800 school trips, 3 day camps?) I have a small support group and great godparents who help to lighten the burden, but it is mostly mine.

The court only reinforced what the ex and I determined was acceptable for child support. We decided that for the first two years, I would accept the minimum amount of child support to help the ex get on sound financial ground. He had the bulk of the debt, had to establish a new home, and had to find relevant work. It wouldn't help our kids for him to be arrested every 3 months because he couldn't afford to pay an exorbitant child support and take care of himself simultaneously.

He is also always available to his kids by phone and for the most part, in person. We don't have a set visitation schedule, and I have full custody. That was the only thing I wanted in the divorce - full custody. Approximately 3 weekends of the month, our son will spend Saturday after 4:00 p.m. until Sunday around the same time with his father. Our daughter, the teenager, is not as apt to spend physical time with him out of my presence. She is still not too swell on this new wife, and is determined her father is 'spiritually blind' and 'will come to his senses one day'. But if she wanted to spend that time with him, she could. Neither of us is going to force her to be in a physical situation that is unnerving to her. The oldest lives in another State, but he could call his Dad at anytime.

I don't know if our case is peculiar, but I can't understand how it will benefit the child or the parental ex-spouse if the payer of support is in jail, or if his or her license are suspended so they cannot get to work. I can understand the anger and bitterness one might have at a parent who has not helped raise the kids financially, but I don't see how it helps to belittle, degrade or persecute the non paying parent. Regardless of whether you act a fool, you will still be raising these babies on your own. Wouldn't it be better to let all the negative steam out and breath in the golden light?

When you realize that your anger is not about child support, nor is it about the kids, you can let it go and start working toward being the best parents possible. That work takes a lifetime and both of us are growing constantly in parenting skills. The fact that we are able to work together meant that I had to take a good look at myself and figure out what needed to happen to enable me to table the attitude and put in work. It took a lot of forgiveness, gratitude, and determination. OH, and prayer.

I knew that I had enough to be upset about without adding a deadbeat to the pile. Some people would balk at the amount I agreed upon, given what the court would have established. I found out that money is not the only form of child support, and sometimes it is the least important type. I have about 8 months left in this agreement, and the agreed upon request for a raise in child support will be sought. But the most important outcome of the whole situation is that we both support our children, faithfully.

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Hope Floats

2011-05-07T11:20:00.000-04:00

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Hope Floats: "Definition of RELATIONSHIP An interpersonal relationship is an association between two or more people that may range from fleeting to end..."

Hope Floats

2011-05-07T11:18:00.000-04:00

Definition of RELATIONSHIP
An interpersonal relationship is an association between two or more people that may range from fleeting to enduring. This association may be based on limerence (an involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated.); love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment. Interpersonal relationships are formed in the context of social, cultural and other influences.
—Synonyms
1. Dependence, alliance, kinship. 2. Affinity, consanguinity.

To be in relationship with a person, you have to accept all that they are and LIVE with it. You cannot change a person. They are who they are, and if you believe you are going to change them, walk away now. What that sounds like and what it means are two different things. I had an associate who got left on the editing floor in the rewrite of my life story, and her tag line always said “The only person I can change is me.” (It really was just a line, but that is another story for another day).

There are real and defined reasons why we can’t change each other. We have a habit of not looking further than what is in front of us, when we are each a representative of our life experience.

Every single one of us is shaped by our past. We begin our emotional and mental shaping when we come into this world. According to research, the first three (3) years of life is the most critical to the intellectual and emotional development of a child. During these first three years, 75% of brain growth is completed. What happens in those years provide the building blocks for emotional and intellectual growth throughout a child's primary life. Most children learn by experience first, then by instruction.

Things that happen in our lives affect our personal definition of love, how we learn to give and receive love, and how we communicate and share in all kinds of relationships.

Every partner I will ever have comes with this package. I can’t alter how they have been socially, emotionally, physically or mentally shaped. If that development was extremely scarred and irreparably marred, I need to determine whether I am going to be what my Pastor calls “a project chic”. Am I going to take on this other person as my full time project that will fail because I am not the maker?

We make the mistake of thinking we can do supernatural work in another persons life, or we don't even consider the fact that this kid was developmentally raped and pillaged and the best spoils were taken by the perpetrator. What is left is this adult who is unable to relate well in interpersonal engagements.

Some of the very things that we are attracted to in a mate are the things that should make us run. In laymen’s term, if he had a bad childhood, reveled in it as a youth, rebelled against it as a teenager and young adult, and then you met him?

1. Take the time to know that about him before you get all caught up in planning a life with him.

2. Take a good hard look at who he is and who you are. If he wears his pants sagging WITH a belt on, goes to church on historical holidays and is reticent about that, leaves you in a heartbeat to go with his friends, and needs a lot of forgiveness over small issues – he is still going to be that way after you apply your love all over him like it is the healing balm of Gilead. It is not.

3. If you still decide this is the one for you, get your prayer clothe out and keep it on at all times and do not cease to pray for God to send a visitation of the Holy Spirit to him, because that is the only way he is going to change. A popular idiom says that still waters run deep. You might need to get you a piece of steel for when that deep overflows. I’m not advocating violence, I am just saying.

Not a person alive tries to better them self for the sake of another person and finds success. That endeavor has to be taken by an individual for their own sake to result in any permanent change.

In the relationship with my ex, I also had my mind set. I am the youngest of 7 girls, and a Daddy's girl. Princess like behavior. Spoiled by many, generally adored. My parents were the only one in our huge family with all girls so that gave us all Princess status with the extended family.

Another of my shaping factors is that being the youngest of all these girls, I had a big easy chair with popcorn front row seat to interpersonal relationships between men and women. I watched intently. I believe you can learn by the mistakes and the successes of others.

You can become jaded by the mistakes and successes of others, too. I have a high tolerance for b.s. as long as my needs are being met, and I have a tentative love ability. I do not trust easily and never completely any man outside of my God and my Daddy. I find all other men to be capable of idiocies unimaginable which they can justify in their own sphere of being. This doesn't only extend to men, but mostly it does.

No matter how wonderful a man may be, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. (What the haystackwithaneedleinit

In any event, after the relationship with my husband snuck up on me, I looked at that man (and it took me a long time to gift him with that title…all boys don’t grow to be men, even though they have the title) and said I didn't want to change him. What I meant was I want him to be changed because he wanted to change. It took me a long time to realize that. We call it loving someone and wanting the best for them.

I thought I knew him (it was the pheromones); I just didn’t know what it was I should be trying to know about his past. Even when I did see the patterns emerge in his family history, I somehow thought he was different than his ideological make-up. I figured he had made it this far left of the blueprint, he could make it all the way. It wasn’t until well into the marriage when I realized he could no more escape generational curses than he could change himself without an impetus. Even given that, he would have to know what to become in his changing effort. He couldn't change with out personal desire and a lot of hard work. He couldn't change for me - he had to do it for himself.

Some people may hit rock bottom before they seek to change their reality; some may just hit rock bottom and stay there. I found out that there was area for change and improvement in me. Go figure. I wanted that change so I sought it through God. Though I am still a work in progress, hope floats.

THAT'S your advice?

2011-05-03T13:50:00.000-04:00

I find that well meaning people offer me advice regularly now, about how to get my life back together, how to get a new husband, how to be a single parent, how to function. Well, on just about anything from the size of my waist to the style of my hair. I'm feeling rather amused by some of it today, and glad I know whose report to believe.

I wrote a poem about it. Wanna hear it? Hear it go:

Thank you girl, for all that you told me
Well meaning advice that would definitely set me free:
Break out his windows, terrorize his trick
Set fire to his clothes, hit him hard in his upper lip
Don't let her have him, hold on to what's yours
He'll be back, things will be fine, y'all need to get on one accord
Are you gonna be there to bail me out of jail
when the police come and arrest my out-of-order tail?
Although you gave it from your heart, your advice equals
one big straight-up #fail

Thank you, boy, for all the comfort you provided
Dinner dates, Late night phone calls, til my angst had subsided
Thank you for pointing out to me what a fool he could be
While you were rubbing my shoulders to a Isley Brothers medley
But my answer is no, laying down will increase my problems, not fix this.
I need healing, not the Marvin Gay kind, so you won't be able to hit it.

Thanks, Sister Deaconess, for your gossiped prescription
I should take care of my 'business' and then maybe he would
focus his attention
at home,
where I need to stay sometimes and be a wife to that man.
Yeah I heard you, talking
loud as only you can.
Can you tell how sorry I am to let you down on your summation?
Just be glad I'm saved too, so I don't rare back and bash your face in.
I repent, what I meant
was
that your words don't ring true. I can tell
because
I don't see a husband running around you.

Thank you Pastor, and wise counsel,
for just taking your time
to listen to me, hear what was inside, and look hard at what I believe.
For praying with me, crying with me,
and holding me up while I reached higher
For holding me down on those days
when I seemed incredibly lost and so tired.
For covering my kids,
And holding their hands
While they gained understand
-ing
For bearing my cross when alone I walked
and the crowd ranted beside me.

Thank you God for never leaving me,
shaping me into more of what I can be
Moving me forward, giving me your Word
which manifested in earth all eyes with vision
can look upon and see
That
I am a survivor, nay a proverbial woman
walking in victory!

©Elizabeth Towns 2011

Divorce & Desire: Sex or No Sex?

2011-04-28T13:29:00.000-04:00

Divorce happens for different reasons. Popular opinion suggests that these generations assume entitlement to constant happiness and instant gratification, so much that when the facade of sitcom marriage wears off in like the luster off an uncleaned diamond, divorce is the remedy.

I don't believe that. Diamond owners usually polish their gems to the original brilliance on a regular basis. They take care of the gem, not discard it. Neither are the majority of marriages cavalierly thrown away. It costs both parties to much emotionally, physically, financially, and even spiritually to throw away a relationship with wanton randomness.

Something else is at work here, but I digress (and that is a roundtable discussion waiting to happen).

Being raised Catholic and Methodist, divorce is not supposed to be an option - we are in this world, not of it, and therefore do not leave because of a few little problems. As Methodist, there exists a method to everything we do, even to approaching the problems within a marriage. Unless the capital crime of adultery is the lynch pin, it can be worked out. Even then, if the adultery either results in no children or presents the loss of status and viability within the religious organization (think the wives of high level politicians who have put in as much or more work than he to get to this point in life) it can still be worked out. Hell, even if there are just a few kids born outside of the marriage, it can still be methodically worked out.

Who left the gate open again?

The underlying current of Catholicism running through my veins edifies the religious and culturally entrenched relationship survival dictum 'don't ask, don't look'. If I did my part and he didn't bring anything or anybody home, it was copacetic, righteous even, for me to look the other way. Boys will be boys, and they often stray like puppies out of open gates.They always come home.

It would seem that since my father and mother never had incidence of infidelity, I would expect the same in my marriage. Culture and religion outweighed personal experience. Subconsciously, I thought of their marriage as an anomaly. Indeed, I am a Daddy's girl, so no man was able to meet the high standards he set. This was reasonable to me, even though in action and word everything about my own father said it should not be acceptable.

This plus some other underlying psychological issues meant that sex was never linked to marital issues. Yep, we were doing 'it' in season and out of season. As my girlfriend used to say, we were making 'the heavens light up with the glory of God at the communion of husband and wife' with regularity (Gasp).

It was when adultery became a lynch pin for separation and eventually divorce that sex became an issue. That was when all intimacy ceased - about 3 months before the husband finally moved out of our home. That was nearly 4 years ago. Since then I have been celibate.

Song of Solomon 2:7 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

Ephesians 4:21-22 "If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts."

There has been opportunity and temptation enough to make me want to toss conviction and a Coach overnight bag into a back seat and ride out. However, having spent so much time with God through the whole process of praying for my marriage, praying about my marriage, trying not to prey on my ex; having had God to bless me through the midst of the storm with a stable mind and an anointing to pursue life, I know that He didn't loose me from a mess to become a mess up. My life is about pleasing God. The more I grow in Him, the more that desire grows as well.

My focus had to be on making it through the redefining of a relationship victoriously, and gain healing and wholeness. Initially, it took a whole lot (like Herculean strength) of focus to overcome my fleshly desires. There were days when I didn't think this celibacy thing was going to work out. Yet, I kept speaking the Word of God to myself and over my life.

"...cast down vain imaginations and to bring every thought captive (II Corinthians 10:5).

"And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God" (Romans 12:2)

I made a conscious decision that I wanted to both glorify God in my choices and present a picture of right relationship to my children. I wanted to show them what is right when it comes to intimate relationships and God, for both my life and theirs.

God gave me a new understanding of why we have to study to show ourselves approved.

Romans 12:3 "For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith."

The tools to overcome our fleshly nature are as war ready as our faith can make them. Our faith comes by the hearing of the Word of God. How can you hear a Word unless you read it? How can it become manifest unless God anoint it according to your measure of faith?

God revealed to me that my out of control desire for sexual intimacy was rooted in a stronghold. A stronghold is a faulty thinking pattern based on lies and deception. Deception is one of the primary weapons of the devil, because it is the building blocks for a stronghold.

2 Corinthians 10:4, "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds."

To break down a stronghold, the lies at the root of it have to be cut off. Truth is the opposite of deception and lies. Truth is the light that overcomes the darkness of any situation. God's Word is the truth and the light. This is where it's important to grow in God's Word. (for reference, a good study can be found at Great Bible Study)

Here is just one of the divine revelations from the midst of my journey:

Our proclivity for sex outside of wedlock is an institutional and temporal myth suggesting the results of sex is a pleasure unmatched by any other activity in the world, with no real consequences. (Sounds like an apple presented by a snake to me).

One lie is that there is no greater personal pleasure between two humans than sexual satisfaction. The greatest satisfaction was derived for Adam and Eve, and God, by the communion that was had between them. The lie has caused us to seek physical relief for a spiritual desire and to believe that any relationship is made consummate (complete or fruitful) by the act of sex.

That is not how we were made. We were made for the most satisfactory intimate relationship to include God.

I can back that all up with scripture, and I believe it in my soul. I teach it to my children, because the word says that if I teach them while they are young, when they grow old they will not depart from it.

I could go on about how God carried me through a palpable need for sexual satisfaction to a virgin reborn. Okay, so I go too far sometimes! At least He has created in me a living will to wait for Boaz, and to experience with him a communion that no man can replicate. (What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Or Vegas.). While I wait I am being proverbial. That is a whole 'nother subject.

Before now, not many people new about my celibacy. I felt like telling people was like courting disaster. Now, I realize that many women and men are faced with the same decision regularly. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the words of our testimony. If I can help somebody else overcome...

7 Day Rule and Other Stuff

2011-04-27T03:39:00.000-04:00

My close friends and family know I have this 7-Day Rule. Seven is the perfect number; it means completion. God laid the foundation of its meaning when He introduced this number in the context of His finished work in the book of Genesis. The word translated as finished is the Greek teléo which basically means to bring to a close, to complete, to end, to fulfill.

I believe that in 7 days time you should be able to get over the initial shock of an ended relationship and get back into life. Yes, healing takes longer than that, but the actual activity of your life cannot stop because your spouse walked away or you gave them a road map and bag lunch and sent 'em packing.

If you can make it through the first 7 days after a break up, you will be well on your way to staring anew. God created the heavens and the earth in 7 days, surely you can conquer one heart ache.

Day 1

On today, you can whine, cry, mope, pity yourself - all day long. Take the day off, stay in the bed, eat comfort food, cry it out. Read something inspirational. Start reading Proverbs according to the day of the month. This is your day to revel in your misery - but only for 24 hours.

Day 2

By day two you should be up and at 'em. Be sad, but be active. If you lived together, clear your home of every reminder of him. Don't throw away anything important - put that all in one box to give to him later. March everything else to the trash like a paid City employee working weekend overtime. Men leave little stuff behind when they move out. I think there are two reasons for this:

He is just damn lazy and doesn't want to bother with getting all of his stuff; after all you have been cleaning up after him for how long?
He wants any other man who comes into this domicile to know he was here. It is kinda like a wandering dog marking it's territory by peeing on bushes and light poles along the path.

Maybe there is a yet another reason:

he believes he is coming back as soon as this blows over.

Unless you believe that as well, put on your favorite 'he's gone' music and clean your house.

Once, a good friend of mine was feeling sad about a break up and I had just encountered the Winan's 1990 CD, Return featuring the song "A Friend". I brought my CD to her house and I must have played this song about 10 times. The next two songs on the CD are "Gonna Be Alright" and "When You Cry". Yeah, I wasn't cheering her up much, but I was oblivious to her state of mind at the time. She revealed to me years later that she had been trying to hold it together and here I come with this dag on CD and this song. We laugh about it now, but she recorded several of the songs off the CD before I left that day.

These songs became some of our favorites, and they also nurtured her at a time when she needed it most. They have nurtured me through some things as well.

Day 3

Get up early and talk to God. Keep up your Proverbial reading. Listen for God, too. Today, get out of the house. Do your hair, put on something presentable, and go spend time with your friends and family, or see a movie. Go shopping or get a pedicure and manicure. Take your kids out on a date. Just don't sit around the house feeling pitiful.

Day 4

Midway through the 7 day process. This may be a really hard day. You may be wondering what and who he is doing. You sure in hell know it is not you. Do not skip your positive activities today. Definitely keep your daily routine of work and home life.

Write him a letter (one that he will never get) and describe your angst and disappointment in all of it's glory. Write down what you think happened and when the relationship became irreparable. Be honest - write down the things you blame him for and why. Maybe you shed some tears, maybe not. Hold on to this letter for later when you are going to forgive him and ask God to forgive your part in the destruction of the relationship. You are also going to forgive yourself. You can destroy the letter after that. Do not, I repeat, do not give the letter to him, even if you get back together.

Day 5

Yes, you will still have sadness in your heart today. If it hasn't happened yet, he may contact you, or you may call him. You shouldn't, but I know how hard it can be not to make that call. The thing is, you spent a lot of time looking at the reasons this relationship fell apart. You know that breaking up to make up is the fodder of songs, not a way of life. Maybe you can talk it out, if you are not so angry with each other you want to rip his knee caps out and tell him to stand up like a man. Remember that first you were friends. Oh, you weren't? Well, that is a whole 'nother topic. It is called Courting 101: Longer than one date.

Day 6

Today your heart just hurts. You may be thinking about all the time you put into this relationship; how many other relationships are connected through this one; the friends and family members you will lose; the intimate relationship that is gone. Go do something with yourself. You are right now about to get on my last nerve. I can deal with love-lost looks, but not with every sentence being about how much you miss him. You do not. You hated every minute of the last 8 months. What do you miss about that?

This evening, write out a tentative plan for getting what you want out of life, spiritually, economically, physically, emotionally. Write down the kind of atmosphere you want in your home, all the endeavors you hope to undertake, all the moves you plan to make. Join a social group like meetup where you can start a group meeting around a similar interest, or find an existing group to join. It won't cost you anything and you will make new friends.

Day 7

This is it. The last and final day you get to visibly mope over this man. Get up, get dressed with the confidence of a woman, smile at yourself in the mirror. Say 'this too shall pass because God promised me, in His word. He is not a man that He would lie - He keeps all of His promises.' Go to work and focus intently on doing your job as if you are doing it unto God. When you get off, go out to dinner if you can. If you can't, make dinner special at home. If you have children, take the time to fully see them. They are life. Hug them and appreciate who they are and to whom they belong. Go ahead and reflect on the past one more time, because when you put yourself to bed tonight, you are going to put that relationship to bed as well.

Of course, your 7 days may not go exactly as described. Those first 7 days are like a gestation period before the rebirth of your single self. The basic premise is that after some measure of time, you have to actively get up and get back on the job of living. In the midst of this journey, you are going to learn how to forgive and forget, how to release someone else of the burden of fault for your perceived failures, how failure is a set-up for success if you keep getting back up; how he is not the enemy, but you are indeed the victor. You are going to learn that nothing is wasted if you plan to triumph.

Day 8 - Let the healing begin. Girl, put your records on....