When It's Cold Outside

The unemployment rate is at about 20% among African Americans today (that's for real with reported and unreported). Money is one of the biggest contributing reasons for divorce. Theoretically, this means more African Americans should be experiencing divorce than ever in our society.

This statistic is strange to me, because it seems that when things are at there very worse, you should want someone to hold on to and encourage you when it's cold outside. The reality is that many men feel pressure and shame when they are unable to find "suitable" employment in an economy like this to take care of their family, whether their spouse is working or not. Tension can build incredibly with the pressure either spouse may feel from the mounting bills, unkind economy, stress, and pent up frustrations.  The truth is, everything doesn't work out like a Tyler Perry play with a couple good gospel songs and an apology.

If I were to counsel anybody who had an ear to hear who was on the verge of divorce right now, I would tell them these things:

Remember your first love. Think about how you first loved each other. When you commit to be married to another person, it is not always about the pictured romance of movie and book fables. It is about the ability to support each other when the facade of greatness is gone; when the outside appearance of grandeur has been stripped away and you can only see each others weaknesses. Then let love abide.

Fight for your marriage. Remember the sanctity of the union. You may believe you have outgrown each other, but you have not outgrown God or the promises you made before Him. If there is any way to do it without denigrating or belittling each other, honor the vows you made. Agree to both be in the fight. Everybody's situation is different. Only you know why your marriage may end in divorce; but it doesn't have to be that way. Not everybody has irreconcilable differences.

Pray earnestly, and together. Pray for each other and for your marriage. Admit your fears and shortcomings one to another and pray without ceasing. Find a group of prayer partners who will pray you through. Be ready for change, because if you  want your marriage to survive and thrive, you are going to have to embrace a new way of living and loving. What you were doing before was not working - that is how you ended up where you are now.

Communication - Keep communicating with your spouse. Remember that you do not hate this person. There may be times during this experience when you cannot, realistically, speak to them at all. Accept those emotions for what they are, but don't let them turn into hatred. Forgiveness is for you, not for them.

Can a divorced woman give advice to married folks? Yes, I can, because I walked through a valley you don't know anything about yet. I walked through it with grace abounding, and two things got me through it with victory: obedience and forgiveness. I definitely fought the good fight of faith before I became a black, divorced and virtuous.

Are we fighting? O Hayle No...

Sometimes we have disagreements, even in divorce. Usually, these disagreements are based in part in the source of the divorce. We are reminded how we got here to begin with. Pray and work. Work and pray. It is still an evolving relationship. 

It is statistically true - crimes are about money, sex or power. Of those three things, two of them are usually intrinsic - money and power. Divorce issues are no different. They are either passionate about money, sex or power. Let me cut to the chase where mine is concerned: money, sex, power.

It is time for school to begin anew for my kids. That means tuition finalized, new uniforms, school supplies, daily packed lunches, field trips, club fees, sports equipment, tutoring, etc.

I allowed my ex-husband to provide a very low amount of child support for the first two years so that he could get on his feet, economically, and with the agreement that he would help with extras, i.e. - school tuition, uniforms, club fees, etc. In his mind, he does help with those things, quite a bit. Probably even more than half. On a cold day in hell, that is just as true as it is in his mind.

Regular visitation? That has never worked. He sees the kids when it fits his schedule. I don't complain, because I don't make excuses for other human beings, therefore it does not reflect on me. That is a whole 'nother blog. Let me show you the money.

Ridiculous child support comes anytime after the 1st and 15th of the month. Although those are his pay dates, it could come on the 9th, 12th, 17th or 23rd. It is so unreliable and insignificant that I don't count it as household income. Most times I use it to buy whatever things the kids have been in dire need of since the last little check came.

I get phone call promises all the time of how much financial help the ex is going to be in the next two weeks, month, two months, future date to be announced. I allow them to slide right out of the ear not attached to the phone. They are invalid.

This is not to say he never helps outside of child support. He does. Last year he took our 6 year old to get soccer cleats and socks. He bought both of their mattresses, and he gives them pocket money from time to far in between time. He bought the boy a bike.

Meanwhile, our daughter had a summer math camp that was not free; he couldn't help with that. Our kids have a remaining tuition amount to pay for the upcoming school year, plus uniforms, school supplies, soccer and drama fees, and uniforms. He has $125 on all of that. All I hear is pennies dropping in the bottom of a barrel. I just kind of hold my peace and my breath, while imaging holding my piece.

Come February, he will definitely have more on everything. It is going to be cold outside and in Child Support court. Yes, that means for about 2 months we may not be able to have a civilized conversation, because he will be angry I took it that far, and I will be angry he forced me to have someone else illustrate his responsibility for the children I clothe, feed, pay medical care for, spend hours teaching, nurturing, loving, and raising.

The irony of the whole situation is the amount of time he spends telling me how much he helps me with our kids. How much financially he aids me in taking care of them, and how good he is at caring for them. And he believes what he is saying. I remind myself not to talk poorly about this man in front of his children or to myself, and to treat him as a person of value.

The truth is, I may see the $125, and I may not. The reality is, I am not depending on it a at all. I am depending on my day in court. That is all.