Under New Management

Most any mother can tell you that once you birth a child, your priorities change. They are reorganized, placing the child(ren) at the center of most decision making processes. This innate homing apparatus is ramped up times 100 when you get a divorce. I know I felt as if a horrible injustice had been done to my kids, and statistically they were now doomed to certain failures in life because I couldn't manage to make this marriage work. I am a books person, so I researched statistics, and started looking at the case studies on children of divorce who eventually defied statistics. How did they survive?

To sustain your children mentally, physically, socially; some changes to the schedule are in order, so priorities shift again. To sustain your economy, a lot of elements may change, including child care, work hours, school locations, even in which activities the custodial parent and children can and will be involved. There's a lifting of hands, to say the least. Prayer is never ceasing, if you hope to get any of it right. Let God arise and the enemy be scattered.

For a long while my major goal was adjusting with the greatest amount of success and progress and the least amount of damage. That included christian counseling, relocation, sustaining faith and participating in our faith community, taking on new writing ventures, a new school for my kids, and later on, dealing with some major medical issues for me.

All of this hinged on us depending on God for our direction, and learning time management from Gods point of view. My Dad used to tell me that sometimes God just has to lay you down to make you rest and let some things go, because you won't listen when he is talking to you in a still small voice. Read about Elijah in the bible if you don't know that God speaks in a still small voice. With all the things that were happening in our lives, all He wanted from us was simplicity in time management.

1. Put Him first. Every morning, we pray together. We take the time to place God above our situations and circumstances and place our day back into His hands. I am the head of this household right now, so I have to teach my kids how to place God first. The simplest way to do this is to pray the way He taught the disciples and then to remember the second greatest commandment - to love my neighbor as I love myself. 
2. Work out your own souls salvation - we daily learn and grow in grace. How can I do the things I know of in the Our Father and how can I love myself so that I can love my neighbor if I don't understand what that means? Study to show ourselves approved. Private christian schooling, constant learning at home, faith based fellowship, personal relationship with Christ.
3. Stir up the gift within - We all have gifts. If we are doing something we love to do, our gift is most likely based in that area. God wants to use that gift to bless us, and to draw others to Him. It is a big deal for me to walk past fear and walk in my area of gifting not just to bless my church family, but to take care of my children and provide for my family. I had to work diligently on this, and because I was not, I had to experience some setbacks so that I could step forward. Don't get me wrong, God took care of us during those setbacks! He also realigned my vision so that I could learn how to use my gift more effectively.
4. Remember Him - Worship Him in Spirit and in truth. It is awesome to worship God. What more amazing rush has ever been had then to be in true worship? What is worship? Showing God your love for Him with your whole being and Spirit, in truth. 

Once our time management was revamped, there was little to no time left for some of the things we would have wasted our time on before. Our thinking was realigned. What we put into ourselves is different, so what we get out is different.

Shortly into this process, I found that my children have some very specific food allergies and reactions and removed certain foods from their diet, and from mine by happenstance. Their moods, behavior and school performance were affected almost immediately, for the better. I gained an improvement in my health, as well.

The quality time we spent together changed. We have always spent a lot of  time together, but the nature of that time changed. We have become a more cohesive family based on the nature of Godly precepts and grounded by our experience.

My children and I are not perfected, by far, but He is perfecting this work which He has begun in us.

I am still human, I still have the gamut of emotions. I am angry at times because of what I feel like my babies are missing with their other parent. I pray through that and God reminds me of His promises toward them. I run into walls, but I know how to pray about a situation so that the window in the wall opens; or the wall crumbles.

What I know is that when your life changes, you have to change with it or you will be lost. Do something a new way. Since you have probably tried your own way, try God's. A year and 7 months ago I walked away from everything I had with two kids and some clothes. I am absolutely sure God is able.

Lies, Myths, and other Good Intentions

"I'm coming to get the kids for the weekend." Okay, I say to my ex-husband with very little enthusiasm. While there is no conversation necessary between myself and the ex husband, I will let you in on the reason for the disbelief in my responses.

Part of divorced parenting is working out a visitation schedule that allows both parents to be a valued and valid part of the children's lives. In our case, that schedule works in accordance to our children and their needs, plus extracurricular schedules. Factor in the teenager who refuses to step foot into the fathers house as long as the wife is there, and it works out pretty simply.

Our son is younger and more forgiving and forgetful of the past. He has visitation every weekend, supposedly on Friday evening or Saturday morning through Sunday at around 3:00 p.m. He also goes to the barber shop biweekly, and spends at least a week in the summertime. The daughter is a little more difficult to work out, so when visitation is scheduled with her, it is very important that it be kept. She does Father time only, which she will share with her brother and on other person on the face of this earth , and/or in Cleveland, Ohio. If this rule is broken, she will not do visitation for the next 3 months. Both kids do daily phone calls.

Even knowing all of this, my ex husband makes visitation promises that he doesn't keep. Initially, he made them all over the place - to me, to the mistresses, to family, and to our children. He is saved now, so he is a work in progress. That work has not been miraculous. While his intention may be to follow through on his promises, it is my goal that our children not become casualties to his attempts to get it right.

He and I have talked about how each time a promise is broken, trust disintegrates just a little bit more for that child, and what kind of damage that does. We have talked about how our teenage daughter may not trust men to do what they say they will do; and how she may feel like his word is no good. He is praying about that and trying to figure out how to restore it. Who wants their daughter to think their word is garbage? Yet, there is no overnight cure.

This takes time, and rebuilding of relationship, and keeping your word to your children, no matter what the cost. And I find myself trying to help him do that, which I should not be doing. So when he calls and says he is going to do something, which I know is a good intention and probably not a complete truth, I don't tell them. That way no trust is broken between them. I don't trust him anyway, so no damage is done there. 

So, when he says he is "coming " to see the kids, get the kids, take the kids, I have learned to insist he make these promises to me, and not to them. I don't even tell them what he is planning, so that if and when he shows up, they are pleasantly surprised. That, to me, is much better than often disappointed.

Oh, he slips a few by me, and gets directly to them. In those instances, I do not make excuses for him. I hand the phone directly the child to which he has made the promise and allow him to explain why he cannot keep it. He gets to hear not only the disappointment in their voice, but how each time he breaks a promise, they believe him a little less the next time he makes one.

Every time he has to look at them, and disbelief is reflected in their eyes, he understands a little bit more how much work he has to do to repair the broken trust of the past. Until his progress is complete, I continue to shield them from lies, myths, and other good intentions.

Somebody better get these kids, or, How do we do Divorced Parenting?

How do divorced parents do it? How do we work out parenting two decidedly near evil dwarf sized agents from another place and time?

Divorced parenting is no joke. It is no less stressful than married parenting. The most crucial issue is that we can reason together over what is best for these children. To do that, we have to communicate without interference. You know what that is – without being angry, jealous, bitter, and hateful, about the past. We have to forgive each other for the sake of our children.

She is a typical American teenage princess. She is working on every single nerve ending in my limited physical being. This kind comes out only by laying on of many hands and fast walking away before something really bad happens to the child.

He is a 7 year old boy, who lives to aggravate not only his teenage sister, but to call my name, which turned into Mom the minute they were birthed into this world at the hands of the midwife, as many times as he can utter it within a minutes time, continuously and without halt.

Our children are at ages of development that cause our ideas of parenting to constantly change. They find new ways to be disobedient, and we have to find new ways to steer them in the right direction, discipline them, and still provide an environment of love for them, while being divorced. This is not what we signed up for – at all.

We cannot just turn to each other for discussion and answers. Yet still, we need parental outlet and our children need to feel they have access to both parents. Especially when we are at our wits end.

On a regular basis, I randomly text my ex husband and tell him his children are driving me to distraction and I am sure that we need to tweak this shared parenting thing because the court can do a better job at distributing the time share arrangement. I believe it would work out better for him to have them for the whole summer rather than quick intervals here and there, while I do most of the custodial parenting and he does what I consider ‘virtual’ parenting. If it has been a particularly trying period of time, I may even include some expletives, although I don’t really need to do that. I find the vocabulary ripe with words that satisfactorily describe my angst.

You can imagine how many actual texts it takes to get that all out. Usually, he doesn’t respond until the next day, at which time he calls my daughter and has a discussion with her and my son about what they have been doing. Then he will call and inform me that he is coming to get them for a while. I know he really means this, just as well as I know our son will be packing to leave with his dad for a few days. Our daughter will be texting her cousins to come get her. She is not into daddy time at this age.

 

My ex husband and I have worked to get to this place, and continue to work. We recognize that we are divorced parents, and not just divorced people. That means we still have a responsibility to communicate effectively with each other and to be on one accord where our children are concerned.

It is not always perfect, but it is always a work in progress. We work harder at this than we did at being successfully married. Imagine if we knew then what we now know. God’s ways are so much higher than ours. How is that working out for you?

Go Swiftly, Maria, into your future

When I first heard the news of Maria Shriver's separation from Arnold Schwarzenegger. I was momentarily shocked. This was not a couple I ever considered headed for break up. Initially, I was surprised that these two were in a relationship, but their grace and symmetry wooed me and the rest of America. They became a poster-child case for opposites that do attract and a love that makes both parties greater. This was one for the books. What could have caused it? Why would it happen? It took a few days for that part of the bombshell to hit the media.


Arnold Schwarzenegger’s decade old affair with a staff member which produced a child, now aged 10, has me thinking out loud. If you haven’t heard some tidbit about this matter, you must be under a rock. Stick your head out for a second. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a statement about the separation between he and Maria Shriver

The divorce industry means a lot to our country. It has ramifications way beyond one household at a time. Our legal system is good at teaching people how to get divorced. Wouldn't it be great if somebody taught men how to stay faithful or not get married, thereby promoting the sanctity of marriage? 

None of us can know whether the Schwarzeneggers’ relationship can withstand this betrayal.  What dictates the quality of life after this moment is the manner in which the whole affair is handled. We don't know the dynamics at play because we are not privy to their most intimate personal relationship. Nor should we have that license.  Yet we speculate.  

Some suggest that Shriver should not leave the marriage. The child born out of the affair with a staffer is 10 years old, and he made a mistake. If he hadn’t told it, she still would not know. Men will be men and boys will be boys.

Is there validity here? Look how many marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate was 3.4 divorces per 1000 population in 2009 (Divorce Statistics and Study Blogs). While that is fewer than the loudly touted 50% (propaganda), according to an ongoing poll in Divorce Magazine, the biggest reason both parties cite for divorce is infidelity. Why should Maria be any different from another woman, ending a marriage because her husband is a cheater and a liar? This was not the first time the Terminator had been accused of straying outside of the gate.  Any person who has the proclivity to engage in sexual activity with another while in a covenant (contractual), monogamous commitment will do it more than once. At this point, Maria Shriver’s mind may be besieged by the idea that the Terminator is a terminal cheater, and a prolific liar. 

Consider the biblical instruction that some men should not marry; some men will never father a child; while still others need to marry. In my mind, those that need to marry are not the ones who fall in love, but the ones who think having sex is next to breathing oxygen. And they need to be satisfied with the woman they have.  Maybe money, power and ...well you know the rest, went to Arnold's heads just like they do many other men. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. 

Next consider the number of children born outside of an established marriage, bastardized by the instant gratification of a dishonest man. Think about the burden on the wife to maintain a constructive family life if she stays in the marriage. She now has a whole other family to incorporate into her once simple lifestyle. She will have to be in relationship with the child and subsequently, with the whore. I mean the woman with whom the indignant ass - I mean, husband cheated. That's a lot to ask one woman to bear, while the man benefits from the complete arrangement.

The mistress will be vilified in more places than this post, and even more so because American’s love Maria Shriver and the Kennedy family et al. Already, questions are flying about why she was able to keep her job, with the full knowledge that she was raising the child of the Governor. How humiliating and hurtful it must be for Shriver to realize she has been looking at her husband’s concubine on a near daily basis for 10 years.

When Schwarzenegger finally made his own statement, days after the initial announcement, Shriver was not standing next to him holding his hand to show the nation she approved of his debauchery.  It riles me to see the wives of sports figures, politicians’ and actors suffering through the degradation of the public witness to their humiliating betrayal and sometimes, sheer stupidity, standing by this errant corrupt man. 

That hot mess just solidifies the right of men to play and not pay. Bull slobber. While I am not encouraging any woman to leave her husband, because marriage is sacred, I do want women to consider themselves. Steve Harvey said men treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If we stop allowing childish behavior to define adulthood by accepting the consequences of a cheating spouse, maybe we can teach a new generation a new way of living in a committed relationship.

I'm just thinking out loud. What are your thoughts on the matter?

What about the children?

One of my biggest considerations in making this decisions was the children. I cannot say it was the same for the Mister, as he was consumed with self survival. I am now amazed at how many men have a woman  and a family that loves them, yet still spawn bastard children and believe in the very core of their being that the betrayed family should grin and bear the consequences of their deceit.

What also sends me is when the female parent of said misguided men-beasts support the son and touch and agree that this can be worked out, r undermining and maligning another woman. I have only one response for these special breed = #saddown real close to Jesus so I don't end up in forgiveness camp for what may come out of my mouth when all restraints are loosed. Really. Stand down.I digress.

When I was deciding whether to go or stay, our 22 year old was  in college, and we had a 4 year old son, and a 10 year old daughter at home. I prayed so much about them and their well being that I know God was tired of hearing from me. I was torn between whether it was better for to stay in this humiliating and unhappy position or whether it was to leave and show them what is and is not acceptable in any relationship.

In my mind, if I stayed, I was showing my sons a picture of womanhood that I did not want them to have, and reinforcing an age old stereotype that 'boys will be boys'.  I was showing them how to be the wrong kind of man. If men look for the characteristics of their mother in a mate, I surely did not want them looking for a woman who would stay for anything and stand for nothing.

I was also  showing my daughter what a relationship should look like between a man and a woman. How much did I want her to think was too much to take from a man who supposedly loves her? How was I giving her a picture of what real love looks like between a man and a woman? Did I want her to think that it was okay to trade dignity, risk health issues, humiliation, degradation - all for love? I am going to plead  an Amy Winehouse on that one...No, No, No.

I spent a lot of time feeling like I was 'breaking' my children, and I tussled with  how to spare them as much hurt as possible. I researched how children of divorced families fair emotionally, psychologically. Eventually, it was the word of God that reminded me these babies are on loan to me; He is the real father. I cannot negate His ability to protect and sustain them unless I am also willing to negate my faith.

So what about the children? Our kids went to a Christian counselor because they needed somebody safe and unbiased with whom they could talk and work some issues out. We had designated Aunts, Uncles and cousins they could talk to at any time they needed to find comfort. I talked to their teachers and administrators about what was going on, so they would understand any changes in behavior and notify me as well. Friends, pastors, family members - covered us in prayer.

Once their father got his head unstuck, he came on board with the plan. We agreed to a very basic agenda about our children that superseded our own desires or comforts.

In theory, it seems like it was a smooth transition, when it was anything but that. The girl blamed the Father for breaking up our family and our home. The oldest son blamed the Father for everything wrong in the world at large including rainy days and gas prices, in addition to being angry at my mistreatment. The youngest son didn't blame anybody but he was sad all around the edges.

My babies and I spent a lot of time in therapy, prayer, consoling each other, conversation, and in healing. Still there, too. We work hard at it, and I can only pray that in the end, they will be stronger for the journey. I know they have picked up some good tools in this valley and they know how to use them. One of the biggest concepts that we have all embraced is that while divorce is the end of a relationship, it is the beginning of a new conceptual family. We have morphed into a different entity, tenuously at first, but more solidly as time passes.

For the children, and to some extent for ourselves, we embraced forgiveness, and invited God to take the helm of this entire family. He is working it out, one day at a time.

Courting Disaster

So let me try to break this down as succinctly as possible. We dated for 8 years. We got married and had two children. He had two more. We divorced. In the midst of the unraveling, I discovered and uncovered some things about me and God and the world.

I got the kids, he got the car (since it wasn't paid off yet); I got the paltry child support, and then he got saved. Three weeks after the divorce was final, he got married. Meanwhile, I got a new place, got the kids settled into a new school, and began tending to healing.

That is just background filler so you can catch up to now. Here is something you will find about me - I am quick to forgive others, but have the hardest time forgiving myself. I think it has something to do with my religious upbringing: catholic, Methodist, and apostolic. Mix that up and what do you get? Basically, there is a method to my guilt - I think I will have a drink and repent. Oh Jesus, I am convicted because of the drink. Now I will repent and we can all shout about it. Yes, some of that.

In any event, (which is one of my favorite colloquialisms) I forgave my ex husband. It took some time and some healing within me, but I didn't want to carry that heavy weight around, and I still had two children to raise. Who wants a parent walking around in unforgiveness? Our oldest son is raised already, and he definitely needs the example of forgiveness before him. He struggles still today with anger and unforgiveness toward his father. Did I mention that I got all 3 kids in the divorce? I love my kids and am like a mother eagle protecting them.

Here is where it gets real. We are everyday walking out this divorced family unit. There is a myth that suggests a family is dissolved by divorce. That, I tell you, is a lie from the pit of hell. The family does not dissolve as much as it disintegrates and reforms as a new entity. When there are children involved, whether or not the adults are ambivalent, a new kind of family emerges from the ashes. The health of that entity is predicated by the determination and health of the parents.

Imagine me, coming from a family that, for the most part, does not divorce - trying to figure out how to live now. Not like the blues song drama of my man is gone, but like the real life reality flick - We Have Got To Keep Living Here, What Now?

Add to this mix that my health took a turn for the mysterious and my sisters husband was murdered by his employee, and you will agree that this was one tough journey. How do we walk it out? I clung to God like lungs to oxygen. I never turned my head for fear I would lose focus and drown. I got my kids into counseling immediately, and because I am a reader, found good books on the topics they were experiencing. I talked about it with people I trusted (even if sometimes that was me talking to me. Buffi to Ricki - that is a later post).

My sister, who lost her husband, found Griefshare. grief recovery group where the first rope was thrown out to help me out of the abyss in which I had become paralyzed. Amazingly enough, this journey taught me that grief suppressed can control your life without your knowledge. That is why I intend to shout! Some stuff, you just have to let out. In the middle of grieving what I call 'the great man drain', I grieved my marriage.

I am a healthier me today, well on my way in this journey of being black, divorced and virtuous. Walk it out with me.