Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Courting Disaster

So let me try to break this down as succinctly as possible. We dated for 8 years. We got married and had two children. He had two more. We divorced. In the midst of the unraveling, I discovered and uncovered some things about me and God and the world.

I got the kids, he got the car (since it wasn't paid off yet); I got the paltry child support, and then he got saved. Three weeks after the divorce was final, he got married. Meanwhile, I got a new place, got the kids settled into a new school, and began tending to healing.

That is just background filler so you can catch up to now. Here is something you will find about me - I am quick to forgive others, but have the hardest time forgiving myself. I think it has something to do with my religious upbringing: catholic, Methodist, and apostolic. Mix that up and what do you get? Basically, there is a method to my guilt - I think I will have a drink and repent. Oh Jesus, I am convicted because of the drink. Now I will repent and we can all shout about it. Yes, some of that.

In any event, (which is one of my favorite colloquialisms) I forgave my ex husband. It took some time and some healing within me, but I didn't want to carry that heavy weight around, and I still had two children to raise. Who wants a parent walking around in unforgiveness? Our oldest son is raised already, and he definitely needs the example of forgiveness before him. He struggles still today with anger and unforgiveness toward his father. Did I mention that I got all 3 kids in the divorce? I love my kids and am like a mother eagle protecting them.

Here is where it gets real. We are everyday walking out this divorced family unit. There is a myth that suggests a family is dissolved by divorce. That, I tell you, is a lie from the pit of hell. The family does not dissolve as much as it disintegrates and reforms as a new entity. When there are children involved, whether or not the adults are ambivalent, a new kind of family emerges from the ashes. The health of that entity is predicated by the determination and health of the parents.

Imagine me, coming from a family that, for the most part, does not divorce - trying to figure out how to live now. Not like the blues song drama of my man is gone, but like the real life reality flick - We Have Got To Keep Living Here, What Now?

Add to this mix that my health took a turn for the mysterious and my sisters husband was murdered by his employee, and you will agree that this was one tough journey. How do we walk it out? I clung to God like lungs to oxygen. I never turned my head for fear I would lose focus and drown. I got my kids into counseling immediately, and because I am a reader, found good books on the topics they were experiencing. I talked about it with people I trusted (even if sometimes that was me talking to me. Buffi to Ricki - that is a later post).

My sister, who lost her husband, found Griefshare. grief recovery group where the first rope was thrown out to help me out of the abyss in which I had become paralyzed. Amazingly enough, this journey taught me that grief suppressed can control your life without your knowledge. That is why I intend to shout! Some stuff, you just have to let out. In the middle of grieving what I call 'the great man drain', I grieved my marriage.

I am a healthier me today, well on my way in this journey of being black, divorced and virtuous. Walk it out with me.


  1. Wow so many things here that shows that in adversity yet you still rize!! all the heartache yet you still rize!! May this blog be a blessing and another healing tool for anybody who reads it and for your own Soul!!

    God Bless and Love U Sis!!

  2. Thank you Tricia. The amazing thing was that most of the time, I had no idea the depth or the weight of my trials. I guess that is when God was carrying me. I think of it as when he was me - Helping Eradicate Another Lie that was in my soul about who I am and whose I am.

  3. Cuz...i appreciate this..... I luv u