Monday, June 27, 2011

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Am I making Him a Momma's Boy?

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Am I making Him a Momma's Boy?: "One of my sisters fave thing to say to my 7 year old son is 'Hey pansy boy,' to which he answer 'hey Auntie.' Sometimes he catches her off g..."

Am I making Him a Momma's Boy?

One of my sisters fave thing to say to my 7 year old son is "Hey pansy boy," to which he answer "hey Auntie." Sometimes he catches her off guard and says "Hey pansy Auntie."

My older sister is gardening with Elijah's 7 year old help, when she points out a Daddy long leg to him. He immediately leaves the garden. She comes around to the patio and relays the story and tells him to "come on back out to the garden and don't be such a pansy".

Within the first awakening hour of any given day, my son has called my parental name at least 3 times....a minute. "Mom....Mom....Mom." Often, he doesn't even have a question or has forgotten what it is when I answer.

Recently, one of my husbands friends wanted to register Elijah to play football. He is coaching, and he wanted my son on the team. I declined. He suggested Elijah was a Mommas boy and I just wasn't ready for him to be out from under me. My son is not playing any organized sport for which I cannot be at every practice and game. He plays soccer and basketball.

Am I making him a Mommas boy? Is he going to be effeminate because he needs me too much? Is my baby a pansy? No less than Jesus was a Daddy's boy.

Listen, when a boy child grows up with his mom as the custodial parent, he is going to need her more. My son was born into a crumbling marriage. Because his parents serve a God who was good enough to oversee the dissolution of a mess, he grew through the divorce. He knows me as the person who is present through hurt knees, bumps in the night, one bed for all three of us nights, and solace in the storm nights. He knows me as the soother for all hurts, and the one who directs him to God who will answer all of our prayers.

He also knows me as the mother who surrounds him with men of valor who serve that same God. Listen, ladies. We who raise boys without constantly present fathers can help them grow into whole and valiant men, by providing for them what they need: real men to mirror and turn to in times of need.

God already knew there would be times when we would reach the end of our mothering and fathering would be necessary. That is why he said that HE would be a father to the fatherless. Let God be and everything will work out.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Is it Time for Dating?

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Is it Time for Dating?: "Is it time to start dating? I feel ambiguous about the whole idea. Some days I don’t feel attractive and think of all the work I would nee..."

Is it Time for Dating?

Is it time to start dating? I feel ambiguous about the whole idea. Some days I don’t feel attractive and think of all the work I would need to do to feel that way, and still at others I feel like a relationship would be bondage. Who returns to bondage after being freed? 

I like the company of men, love talking to them within the ease of friendship. I am happy with that. I feel calm in the place I am in, concentrating on raising two children and giving them my undivided attention in a loving and undisturbed home environment. 

But is it time for me to date again? To think about giving myself to a man? Well, I have thought about givvvving myself to a man, but you know what I mean.

There are so many things I miss about being married. Okay. One. Maybe two. The point is, I can count them all on one hand. Unless I count how many times I miss one of them, then I would need a few people’s hands and toes. Ha.

I miss regular and spontaneous sex. I miss visiting family in other cities and States and family trips. I love road trips. I miss some of my family who deserted, but I suppose I am better off without fair-weather maniacs. Oh, and extra income. I think that is it.

And random cuddling. I could have bought a Bichon Frise but I would have had to clean up after that bitch too. 

Here is my point – I miss the idea of a family unit, more than I miss the missing person from that unit. We have a new unit now – my children and I. I almost shudder at the thought of having anyone interrupt our symmetry. 

I don’t want to compromise my routine or share the time that is for my children. I don’t want to share the desires and dreams of another person, outside of my siblings, and my couple of very best friends in all of the ages, unless I am being paid very well to do so. Even then, only during work hours, and with reasonable restrictions.  (Did anyone else notice how many times the word "I" was used in the last two paragraphs? Only reinforces my points.)

I would like to have someone to go to a nice event with, or with whom regular and sometimes spontaneous but also very safe sex could be had (yes, I know that is not in line with the Word). At least that person who would serve as a great escort to fundraisers, dinners, and as dinner.

When I was young, there were several bachelors who lived near my family. These men never married. They were always nice to us girls, in an older Uncle kind of way. They very rarely bought women to the bachelor pad. They seemed most happy with their lives. The world was different then. 

Maybe I am on the way to getting ready to being almost ready to date in a serious way. Clearly, I am only ready for fun. Is that still allowable? 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Somebody better get these kids, or, How do we do D...

Black, Divorced & Virtuous: Somebody better get these kids, or, How do we do D...: "How do divorced parents do it? How do we work out parenting two decidedly near evil dwarf sized agents from another place and time? Divorc..."

Somebody better get these kids, or, How do we do Divorced Parenting?

How do divorced parents do it? How do we work out parenting two decidedly near evil dwarf sized agents from another place and time?

Divorced parenting is no joke. It is no less stressful than married parenting. The most crucial issue is that we can reason together over what is best for these children. To do that, we have to communicate without interference. You know what that is – without being angry, jealous, bitter, and hateful, about the past. We have to forgive each other for the sake of our children.

She is a typical American teenage princess. She is working on every single nerve ending in my limited physical being. This kind comes out only by laying on of many hands and fast walking away before something really bad happens to the child.

He is a 7 year old boy, who lives to aggravate not only his teenage sister, but to call my name, which turned into Mom the minute they were birthed into this world at the hands of the midwife, as many times as he can utter it within a minutes time, continuously and without halt.

Our children are at ages of development that cause our ideas of parenting to constantly change. They find new ways to be disobedient, and we have to find new ways to steer them in the right direction, discipline them, and still provide an environment of love for them, while being divorced. This is not what we signed up for – at all.

We cannot just turn to each other for discussion and answers. Yet still, we need parental outlet and our children need to feel they have access to both parents. Especially when we are at our wits end.

On a regular basis, I randomly text my ex husband and tell him his children are driving me to distraction and I am sure that we need to tweak this shared parenting thing because the court can do a better job at distributing the time share arrangement. I believe it would work out better for him to have them for the whole summer rather than quick intervals here and there, while I do most of the custodial parenting and he does what I consider ‘virtual’ parenting. If it has been a particularly trying period of time, I may even include some expletives, although I don’t really need to do that. I find the vocabulary ripe with words that satisfactorily describe my angst.

You can imagine how many actual texts it takes to get that all out. Usually, he doesn’t respond until the next day, at which time he calls my daughter and has a discussion with her and my son about what they have been doing. Then he will call and inform me that he is coming to get them for a while. I know he really means this, just as well as I know our son will be packing to leave with his dad for a few days. Our daughter will be texting her cousins to come get her. She is not into daddy time at this age.

My ex husband and I have worked to get to this place, and continue to work. We recognize that we are divorced parents, and not just divorced people. That means we still have a responsibility to communicate effectively with each other and to be on one accord where our children are concerned.

It is not always perfect, but it is always a work in progress. We work harder at this than we did at being successfully married. Imagine if we knew then what we now know. God’s ways are so much higher than ours. How is that working out for you?