He Heals us because He loves us....

On Friday evening I went to a local church to hear Wm. Paul Young, author of acclaimed novel, The Shack speak. Over a year ago, I listened to the book on audio - first in part because it was all that I could handle; and then in it's entirety. Then I listened again a few months after that. It changed my perception of the Holy Trinity; and my understanding of God's love. More than that, it helped me survive multiple tragedies. I had this date marked in my calendar for over 3 months; I intended to be present to hear this author, whose story of publication was just as profound as the story itself, speak.

Purchase at Barnes & Noble.com (click here)

A week before the event, a good friend emailed me to ask if I had heard of this author or read the book; she wanted to know if I was going to hear him speak. This further confirmed that I needed to be present. I was late getting there, but I still pressed through - there was something in this place I had to get.

I settled in near the back of a scatter crowded sanctuary, while Young himself stood center stage, excellently telling his story. Some of it I already knew; but he divulged more and more about God's love and his life. There were things I had forgotten or maybe never knew, like "the time in the Shack represents 11 years of my life," and "God is a God of relentless affection".

He talked about the life he had lived, one of "learning to live inside of and adapt to other peoples boundaries" because he didn't have the ability to set boundaries of his own, until his facade came crashing down, I was so wrapped up in the presence of God in that place and in his story, I was completely unprepared for what happened next.

"If God loves me at some point the facade has to come crashing down." I sat looking at this man, whom God has chosen to carry this magnificent message, and waited with the rest of the room, to find out what it could have been he was hiding. "What my wife now knew was that I had been in an affair with her best friend for 3 months."

I felt like I had been slammed against a brick wall. "God, why am I here?" I asked "Why do I need to know this? Why now? Jesus."

Given my own situation and the conditions of my divorce, this is a relevant response. I felt certain that it was the right response. I almost got up and walked out. What stopped me was this: God has made a wonderful testimony out of this mans life, and out of his marriage. He must want me to know something to have brought me to this place, and to have made so emphatically sure that I got here tonight.

I stayed. Surely if God forgave Paul, and Kim forgave Paul, I could forgive him too. And why in the world would he need my forgiveness?

I stayed for the rest of the event, and I received much more that evening, and went home. I thought about some of the things Paul said about why Kim didn't throw him out immediately after that horrid time. There were two things that made the difference in their marriage. The first was that he didn't blame anybody else - he knew it was about him; about his own mess and messiness, about his own sick state of being and he took the blame; and the second was that he opened the phone book and called a crisis center and asked for help.

I spent a lot of hours thinking and praying about why it was important for me to be there to hear what Father, Son and Holy Spirit wanted me to hear that evening. It is not simple enough for me to put it in a few sentences, but here is the down home truth of the matter:

"God forgives His children who commit hurtful acts against others of His children because nothing we can do changes His affection for us. While we may have conditional love for one another, God was already well pleased with us before we were formed in our mothers wombs, and His love is unconditional. Just as God never abandoned me in the midst of my mess, He never abandoned my ex husband either. Now, He just wants to heal us, both, individually; and all of us, collectively, because that is the ultimate goal of our faith - the restorative healing of eternal life with God." - Elizabeth

Have you read The Shack? It is on my highly recommended reading list. I encourage you, challenge you even (was that Mean Ole Lion-ish) to read it.

Win a copy of The Shack!

One follower will win a copy of the book just by following my blog and commenting. Note: You must follow Black, Divorced and Virtuous, and you must leave a comment section. Don't forget to leave your email address so you can be contacted if you win.


Comment should answer this question: Have you ever experienced an urge to be somewhere, even when things kept getting in the way of you being there? What happened?


A winner will be picked on Friday, September 22, 2011. 

When does the good stuff start?

When does the good stuff start? Shoot, as my Grandma would say, my good stuff started on the first day I realized I was free from bondage. Free from all of the heavy weight that held me down so strongly that my shoulders bowed forward when I walked.

The good stuff started when I believed that we could heal, grow and even be a healthy family unit in a different way. In my blind faith, the kind I always have, I thought we were well on our way. Even though it didn't quite work out that way, I still held on to what I knew was true - God is in the healing business.

When you are a co-dependent spouse, you need time to heal from all of the years of wounding a spouse's "growing" or "sowing wild seeds" can do in your life once they determine to get well. It is not possible for us to heal in a prescribed amount of time because that spouse is ready for us to be healed, or because the clergy said we should be healed. One thing I learned from Griefshare and personal experience is we all grieve in our own time and our own way.

Just as I couldn't tell my ex husband when and where to cheat or be faithful, man up and be committed to his family, honor the vows he made before man and God, or reverse any other curse inflicted on his little family at his hand, he couldn't tell me when to be healed.

While we started out waiting for God to deliver him from some pretty tough obstacles of his own, supposedly giving him one more year to work on his own progress and deliverance, he was also working on a relationship with a new woman who belonged to his church and remarried just a few weeks after our divorce was final. Neither our children nor myself was aware of what was happening, but on that day, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to go around to the church. It was the Holy Spirit that told me my ex husband was about to be remarried. I went to the church, and only when I actually saw him did I know it was true. My children were crushed, but I didn't interfere, I took them home and explained to them that their father loved them and what he was doing was not at all a reflection on them. I wrapped them up in a bundle of warmth and love and assured them that his love for them would not change.

The next day, I took them to their counselor, and we started at ground zero, almost back to the day of the separation. As parents, we often do not even think about how our choices are going to affect our children, let alone our own lives 3-5 years down the road.

My ex husband had decided that he needed to move on quickly with his life, and waiting for me to be healed from damage caused by the past was not in his plans. God didn't prescribe that for him. It took me a minute, but I am okay with that, because God knows what is best, He's seen the whole story - He wrote the book, and I have come to believe He also didn't plan for me to go backwards into the briar-patch.

After I got over the hurt (about 4 days later) and forgave him, I felt all kind of weights and bondage lift off of me. Most of the time, we get along fine (until somebody passes along some misinformation or we have third party involvement). My  children and I were in the healing process together and we were learning to be a new family, embrace life, love and worship God, build a new life. This is the good stuff. 

See, for so long I had been weighted down in my every day existence by the nightmare of living that had become our 'relationship plus others' that I couldn't breathe without wondering what the next curve ball would bring.

Suddenly, there was morning after mourning, breaking through night like a new day and I was alive, alert, and ready to heal; live, fly, forgive, move on, embrace my children; the future, the right now.

Oh my goodness - look at all the good stuff that is available for us. Even for you. Let's take a moment and just breathe, and heal.

Open your hand..there are new things

What new things does God have in store for us? How often have you learned that when He allows a door to close in our lives, another one opens? It is true. The only way we don't see the new opportunity is when we are to busy focusing on what is ending. That happens a lot because we are afraid of what we do not know, having become so comfortable in what we have.

Although I knew what had to be done, I was almost like a bean counter, calculating how many other lives would be affected at the cost of rescuing mine and those of my small family. The biggest decisions I made when I took my life back were based in fear of losing what I loved or had become accustomed to; and hurting or disappointing people.  God had already given me an open door. He knew what I was going to face, and He knew His plans for me.

It was everything and everybody that I would leave behind, be under the scrutiny of; and even cause pain to - that was the cause of my biggest remorse. I really had to hide under God's shadow to get through that part. First, I took care of what God had given me. I talked with my babies, prayed with them, got them into Christian counseling, got me into Christian counseling for their sake, and ours was a veritable house of prayer. We walked very carefully through a minefield blanketed by angels. God laid out His promises to me, which are in His word.

Oh, I nearly lost my mind in the process, but He kept me. See, sometimes in letting go of what is old, you have to pry your own little fingers loose so it can get completely out.

When the word and divine revelation come together, something amazing happens. I know what it means to have my mind staid on Jesus. It used to be a statement the elder 'saints' made at church. But when I had my mind staid on Jesus? He staid my mind.

This is real, so let me see if I can explain it a little better. For probably the better of six months, I was not carrying myself. Everything I did was in and of Jesus. In those six months I went through Griefshare, I went through counseling with my kids, I read and studied His word, and while I attended to the things of God, He attended to the things of me.

One of the most amazing things that happened was my ears were shut to the voices that held the most emotional blackmail power in my life. I just couldn't hear them. Because of that, my focus was directed toward action, planning, and healing. I kept my house in order; helped my children to thrive in mind and body and surrounded them with Christ minded people; better than that - kept those who did not have the mind of Christ at bay. We changed our environment completely. Our communication, our love for God, our health and family relationships - better than before. We still have those that were closed off to us during that time to work on, but the best part is that God worked forgiveness so tough that we can handle it.

It is almost as if Christ was doing His own surgery even while I was going through life sustaining surgeries at the hands of medical doctors with my failing health. But when it was over my life and health were recovered and I was renewed. For that I give Him praise.

I am sharing this with you to get to this point: old things become new. Yes, my relationship and marriage together extended over 20 years, and that is almost half of my life. That is a big chunk of who I was invested in another person and who they were and it came to an end. Not abruptly, but slowly through deterioration, neglect, and a form of ungodliness. But yet there was love there. God does not want me to dismiss that love. He wants me to embrace it, forgive in every way and love past my human capacity to blame, hate, loathe and fear. Then when I have reached my capacity, I understand that His love for us is far greater than my love can ever extend.

That exercise alone helps me get understanding, wisdom and healing.

I know that I will love again (doesn't that sound like some schmaltzy love song?) even though I am not quite ready. I have the revelation that a new thing is happening. An old door is closed and that can mean only one thing. Somewhere, a window of opportunity is opening.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

7 Day Rule and Other Stuff

My close friends and family know I have this 7-Day Rule. Seven is the perfect number; it means completion. God laid the foundation of its meaning when He introduced this number in the context of His finished work in the book of Genesis. The word translated as finished is the Greek teléo which basically means to bring to a close, to complete, to end, to fulfill.

I believe that in 7 days time you should be able to get over the initial shock of an ended relationship and get back into life. Yes, healing takes longer than that, but the actual activity of your life cannot stop because your spouse walked away or you gave them a road map and bag lunch and sent 'em packing.

If you can make it through the first 7 days after a break up, you will be well on your way to staring anew. God created the heavens and the earth in 7 days, surely you can conquer one heart ache.

Day 1

On today, you can whine, cry, mope, pity yourself - all day long. Take the day off, stay in the bed, eat comfort food, cry it out. Read something inspirational. Start reading Proverbs according to the day of the month. This is your day to revel in your misery - but only for 24 hours.

Day 2

By day two you should be up and at 'em.  Be sad, but be active. If you lived together, clear your home of every reminder of him. Don't throw away anything important - put that all in one box to give to him later. March everything else to the trash like a paid City employee working weekend overtime. Men leave little stuff behind when they move out. I think there are two reasons for this:

• He is just damn lazy and doesn't want to bother with getting all of his stuff; after all you have been cleaning up after him for how long?
• He wants any other man who comes into this domicile to know he  was here. It is kinda like a wandering dog marking it's territory by peeing on bushes and light poles along the path. 

Maybe there is a yet another reason:

• he believes he is coming back as soon as this blows over.

Unless you believe that as well, put on your favorite 'he's gone' music and clean your house.

Once, a good friend of mine was feeling sad about a break up and I had just encountered the Winan's 1990 CD, Return featuring the song "A Friend". I brought my CD to her house and I must have played this song about 10 times. The next two songs on the CD are "Gonna Be Alright" and "When You Cry". Yeah, I wasn't cheering her up much, but I was oblivious to her state of mind at the time. She revealed to me years later that she had been trying to hold it together and  here I come with this dag on CD and this song. We laugh about it now, but she recorded several of the songs off the CD before I left that day.

These songs became some of our favorites, and they also nurtured her at a time when she needed it most. They have nurtured me through some things as well.

Day 3

Get up early and talk to God. Keep up your Proverbial reading. Listen for God, too. Today, get out of the house. Do your hair, put on something presentable, and go spend time with your friends and family, or see a movie. Go shopping or get a pedicure and manicure. Take your kids out on a date. Just don't sit around the house feeling pitiful.

Day 4

Midway through the 7 day process. This may be a really hard day. You may be wondering what and who he is doing. You sure in hell know it is not you. Do not skip your positive activities today. Definitely keep your daily routine of work and home life.

Write him a letter (one that he will never get) and describe your angst and disappointment in all of it's glory. Write down what you think happened and when the relationship became irreparable. Be honest - write down the things you blame him for and why. Maybe you shed some tears, maybe not. Hold on to this letter for later when you are going to forgive him and ask God to forgive your part in the destruction of the relationship. You are also going to forgive yourself. You can destroy the letter after that. Do not, I repeat, do not give the letter to him, even if you get back together.

Day 5

Yes, you will still have sadness in your heart today. If it hasn't happened yet, he may contact you, or you may call him. You shouldn't, but I know how hard it can be not to make that call. The thing is, you spent a lot of time looking at the reasons this relationship fell apart. You know that breaking up to make up is the fodder of songs, not a way of life. Maybe you can talk it out, if you are not so angry with each other you want to rip his knee caps out and tell him to stand up like a man. Remember that first you were friends. Oh, you weren't? Well, that is a whole 'nother topic. It is called Courting 101: Longer than one date.

Day 6

Today your heart just hurts. You may be thinking about all the time you put into this relationship; how many other relationships are connected through this one; the friends and family members you will lose; the intimate relationship that is gone. Go do something with yourself. You are right now about to get on my last nerve. I can deal with love-lost looks, but not with every sentence being about how much you miss him. You do not. You hated every minute of the last 8 months. What do you miss about that?

This evening, write out a tentative plan for getting what you want out of life, spiritually, economically, physically, emotionally. Write down the kind of atmosphere you want in your home, all the endeavors you hope to undertake, all the moves you plan to make. Join a social group like meetup where you can start a group meeting around a similar interest, or find an existing group to join. It won't cost you anything and you will make new friends.

Day 7

This is it. The last and final day you get to visibly mope over this man. Get up, get dressed with the confidence of a woman, smile at yourself in the mirror. Say 'this too shall pass because God promised me, in His word. He is not a man that He would lie - He keeps all of His promises.' Go to work and focus intently on doing your job as if you are doing it unto God. When you get off, go out to dinner if you can. If you can't, make dinner special at home. If you have children, take the time to fully see them. They are life. Hug them and appreciate who they are and to whom they belong. Go ahead and reflect on the past one more time, because when you put yourself to bed tonight, you are going to put that relationship to bed as well.

Of course, your 7 days may not go exactly as described. Those first 7 days are like a gestation period before the rebirth of your single self. The basic premise is that after some measure of time, you have to actively get up and get back on the job of living. In the midst of this journey, you are going to learn how to forgive and forget, how to release someone else of the burden of fault for your perceived failures, how failure is a set-up for success if you keep getting back up; how he is not the enemy, but you are indeed the victor. You are going to learn that nothing is wasted if you plan to triumph.

Day 8 - Let the healing begin. Girl, put your records on....

Forgive and Forget

Being divorced throws a curve into tradition. I now consider my children's time with the other parent on holidays that are important. Everything from attending service to returning home to my family is different. Even what I choose as an Easter Sunday dinner has changed, because I am no longer considering how to please a husband. No, now I am determining how to bring shape back to times we would have spent as that family. I have learned that having a plan for these moments will make the difference between sinking and swimming.

It's amazing what you do to comfort and please your mate. That is not a bad thing, it is a necessary extension of love and compromise. Once I was separated, it was not easy to learn to focus that energy back into myself. I had forgotten what it was to please myself (not to be confused with pleasuring myself. That is a different post and an activity my Pastor says will certainly condemn me to purgatory if there was ever such a place...my hands would catch on fire and shrivel and fall off - or grown hair). I think I lost the concept of pleasing  myself somewhere in between 'I do' and 'what the hell is going on here'. Even then, I questioned whether I had done enough, done it right, or done something wrong in being a pleasing wife. 

No, I never became a doormat. I am a strong willed independent woman - been that way all of my life. I am also a caretaker by nature, so I definitely am a people pleaser, but only in the sense that I will do what I can to help anyone who is helping themselves. Did I help him too much? Did I help him into the arms of another (maybe, probably, okay definitely into the arms of other(s))? Did I enable him to lounge in lasciviousness? (No, he was already a broken person).This line of questioning, if you are careful, will lead you right up to the question you really need to answer to move to the next stage of healing from divorce, if  you are careful: 

What part did I play in the demise of this relationship? God show me my part.

I could blame the disintegration of this major life relationship solely on my ex husband. Oh, he had a lot to do with it, maybe a greater percentage than I. I spent ample time wanting him to recognize his multiple and myriad shortcomings and atrocious behaviors and apologize for each one individually. However, God says two cannot walk together unless they agree. That means agreement in the bad as well as the good. It takes two to totally destroy a union blessed and bonded by God, and it is always easier to see the other persons wrongdoings. However, God being God, He gave me an understanding about forgiveness: it cannot be conditional. 

I wrestled with my contribution to the divorce, talking to nearly no person about it. There was no available counsel of wise folk on this one in my life, and lest I find myself comfortable in the padded seat of the scornful or the mutli-faceted friendship of fools and foolishness, I had to fast and pray this one out with God alone. I stayed prayed up, seeking God's wisdom and clarity. If you ask God to show you self, you will see just how un-beautiful you can be without saving grace.I did not appreciate taking a look at myself, but I buckled down and did the work. This is not a pretty process, but I am unaware of any process of change being smooth and without some stretching and growing. The glory in that experience is that He will also forgive and change you. 

Armed with the full recognition that I played a part in this shebang, I was so much more ready to get and give forgiveness. I have heard it said that you can forgive, but you never forget. I think that is just another man made condition. There is no way you could carry out the act of forgiveness, which is continual, if you don't forget the pain and hurt. If you're blessed enough to walk in forgiveness, the sheer remembrance of past events will not through you off your salvation journey because the snare has been removed. This is called growth. 

There are times when I look at the saved man that my ex has become and wonder why he couldn't have been that man before; but then I remember that all things work together for the good of those who love Christ Jesus and are called according to His purpose. What purpose is that other than to lift Him  up so that all men would be drawn unto him? I also await Boaz, cause I know God is readying him right now for the proverbial and virtuous woman that I am. Let me go glean in the fields.......

The Great Man Drain

Okay, yes, I was a hot emotional unhealthy mess when my bro died. It was two weeks after my divorce was final, a week after my birthday, and I can say in retrospect, two weeks before the ex was remarried. I still looked incredible on the outside, if I do say so myself (and I will); but inside and in the comfort of home, I was unstable and emotional.

I think this is why my sister dragged me to Griefshare. After that first week, I went back. When it was time to greet the others, I said

 “I am Elizabeth. Of course, I am Theresa’s sister, and I am grieving the murder of my brother in law. I think I am also grieving my father, my father in law, both of my grandmothers, and my husband. My husband is not dead yet, but we are divorced. That is kinda similar.”  

There were chuckles and smiles, and also tears.

But I knew something I had not known – suppressed grief does not go away. There is no value to suppressing grief over anything or anyone who has passed through your life. Grieving is a step in healing – one cannot exist without the other.

My good friend Allison once told me that I walked in grief for my Dad for at least 7 years. Each one of those years felt like I was living, but when I realized how much I was not; when God unveiled that which I could handle anew; I could see the truth in retrospect.

Here is the thing – God never gave me more than I could bear. Because He knew I was not able to bear the full capacity of the grief I felt without first growing closer to Him and then having support, He kept it behind a veil. When I was ready, He put me in the right place at the right time and drew back the veil.

I had a little anger with him about it, too. I wanted to know why he would take almost every strong, safe protecting man from my life. Who does that? I wanted to know why He would let my brother in law die in the manner that he did, and leave my sister without her husband and my niece without her dad. I asked Him too. You can do that you know – ask God what you want to know. He hears and He will answer.

I can say this because I know it. God showed me how when my father died, the service was standing room only. My mother hired an extra limousine to carry all the young men in the neighborhood whose lives he had touched. A Sony executive called us because my Dad was the only one who gave him the time and a chance when he was just a young man. My sister girl, Diane, was ready to come home from Turkey where she was stationed for the service, because he had touched her in this way. 

He showed me how a humble man who just loves God can touch the hearts of many and draw them to the light in Him which is Christ. Then I was lead to reflect on the scripture where Jesus says that we will do greater works than He in the earth. God impressed upon me that the works Jesus did are directly related to the Father/Son/Holy Spirit relationship.

Next God broke it down like this for me:

Larry, my brother in law, had been a son to my father who only had daughters. He had watched and learned from my father as well as the other young men, but with a special bond. When Larry gave his life to Christ, he was then bound to do greater works in the earth than even my father. He held onto His salvation and to Christ with every fiber and He exuded Christ in his daily walk.

When Larry died, not only was there standing room only, but the witness of his life had touched people who called from other countries, who worked in the same office as the President of the University, and lived throughout his community, and who had WATCHED his journey to and through salvation. His death was documented on both local and national news, and caused the changing of dangerous policy. People who had seen him at his worst and best times found out something new about God through the light of Christ that lived in his son, Larry.

God reminded me then of His one goal: to redeem us by Jesus saving grace that we may be restored to a right relationship with God and spend eternity in His presence, for which we were created.

I miss my men. It be’s that way when you are accustomed to being a Princess. My mother is not quite aware of what Princess status means. I have been trying to help her with that for 12 years now. She is a lost cause. I have one brother in law now, and my sisters and I call him ‘our husband’. He can’t help but walk closer to Christ because otherwise, he is NOT gonna make it with the demands of these women in this family. He’s so graceful under pressure.

I remember the words of a song we sing at church: And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me. It comes from the scripture in John 12:32 which says the very same. In context, that particular chapter talks about how Christ has walked among the people, done miracles, performed signs and wonders, and the people STILL don't believe who He is. Yet a little later, in Mark 25, there was a woman who had an issue of blood for 12 years. She had not walked with Jesus, but she had heard of Him (because people had talked of Him and lifted Him up) and knew in her being that He was the one who could heal her and make her whole. She pressed through all of the obstacles to get to Him just to touch the HEM of His garment.

12 years is long enough for a healing, and to be made whole.

I thank God that the lives and deaths of the men in my family served a higher purpose, and left a living legacy. So many times, we forget God’s objective in our lives, besides to love us, save us from our own mess, and provide for us. He is trying to get us back home and with a good report.

Alright - I will post again in a couple of days. We can't dialog if you don't leave a comment! Or email me. I have to tell you about so much that has happened during this walk. Just a note: I have not always been virtuous...don't tell anybody. I'll tell you about it in the next post.

Courting Disaster

So let me try to break this down as succinctly as possible. We dated for 8 years. We got married and had two children. He had two more. We divorced. In the midst of the unraveling, I discovered and uncovered some things about me and God and the world.

I got the kids, he got the car (since it wasn't paid off yet); I got the paltry child support, and then he got saved. Three weeks after the divorce was final, he got married. Meanwhile, I got a new place, got the kids settled into a new school, and began tending to healing.

That is just background filler so you can catch up to now. Here is something you will find about me - I am quick to forgive others, but have the hardest time forgiving myself. I think it has something to do with my religious upbringing: catholic, Methodist, and apostolic. Mix that up and what do you get? Basically, there is a method to my guilt - I think I will have a drink and repent. Oh Jesus, I am convicted because of the drink. Now I will repent and we can all shout about it. Yes, some of that.

In any event, (which is one of my favorite colloquialisms) I forgave my ex husband. It took some time and some healing within me, but I didn't want to carry that heavy weight around, and I still had two children to raise. Who wants a parent walking around in unforgiveness? Our oldest son is raised already, and he definitely needs the example of forgiveness before him. He struggles still today with anger and unforgiveness toward his father. Did I mention that I got all 3 kids in the divorce? I love my kids and am like a mother eagle protecting them.

Here is where it gets real. We are everyday walking out this divorced family unit. There is a myth that suggests a family is dissolved by divorce. That, I tell you, is a lie from the pit of hell. The family does not dissolve as much as it disintegrates and reforms as a new entity. When there are children involved, whether or not the adults are ambivalent, a new kind of family emerges from the ashes. The health of that entity is predicated by the determination and health of the parents.

Imagine me, coming from a family that, for the most part, does not divorce - trying to figure out how to live now. Not like the blues song drama of my man is gone, but like the real life reality flick - We Have Got To Keep Living Here, What Now?

Add to this mix that my health took a turn for the mysterious and my sisters husband was murdered by his employee, and you will agree that this was one tough journey. How do we walk it out? I clung to God like lungs to oxygen. I never turned my head for fear I would lose focus and drown. I got my kids into counseling immediately, and because I am a reader, found good books on the topics they were experiencing. I talked about it with people I trusted (even if sometimes that was me talking to me. Buffi to Ricki - that is a later post).

My sister, who lost her husband, found Griefshare. grief recovery group where the first rope was thrown out to help me out of the abyss in which I had become paralyzed. Amazingly enough, this journey taught me that grief suppressed can control your life without your knowledge. That is why I intend to shout! Some stuff, you just have to let out. In the middle of grieving what I call 'the great man drain', I grieved my marriage.

I am a healthier me today, well on my way in this journey of being black, divorced and virtuous. Walk it out with me.