When does the good stuff start?

When does the good stuff start? Shoot, as my Grandma would say, my good stuff started on the first day I realized I was free from bondage. Free from all of the heavy weight that held me down so strongly that my shoulders bowed forward when I walked.

The good stuff started when I believed that we could heal, grow and even be a healthy family unit in a different way. In my blind faith, the kind I always have, I thought we were well on our way. Even though it didn't quite work out that way, I still held on to what I knew was true - God is in the healing business.

When you are a co-dependent spouse, you need time to heal from all of the years of wounding a spouse's "growing" or "sowing wild seeds" can do in your life once they determine to get well. It is not possible for us to heal in a prescribed amount of time because that spouse is ready for us to be healed, or because the clergy said we should be healed. One thing I learned from Griefshare and personal experience is we all grieve in our own time and our own way.

Just as I couldn't tell my ex husband when and where to cheat or be faithful, man up and be committed to his family, honor the vows he made before man and God, or reverse any other curse inflicted on his little family at his hand, he couldn't tell me when to be healed.

While we started out waiting for God to deliver him from some pretty tough obstacles of his own, supposedly giving him one more year to work on his own progress and deliverance, he was also working on a relationship with a new woman who belonged to his church and remarried just a few weeks after our divorce was final. Neither our children nor myself was aware of what was happening, but on that day, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and told me to go around to the church. It was the Holy Spirit that told me my ex husband was about to be remarried. I went to the church, and only when I actually saw him did I know it was true. My children were crushed, but I didn't interfere, I took them home and explained to them that their father loved them and what he was doing was not at all a reflection on them. I wrapped them up in a bundle of warmth and love and assured them that his love for them would not change.

The next day, I took them to their counselor, and we started at ground zero, almost back to the day of the separation. As parents, we often do not even think about how our choices are going to affect our children, let alone our own lives 3-5 years down the road.

My ex husband had decided that he needed to move on quickly with his life, and waiting for me to be healed from damage caused by the past was not in his plans. God didn't prescribe that for him. It took me a minute, but I am okay with that, because God knows what is best, He's seen the whole story - He wrote the book, and I have come to believe He also didn't plan for me to go backwards into the briar-patch.

After I got over the hurt (about 4 days later) and forgave him, I felt all kind of weights and bondage lift off of me. Most of the time, we get along fine (until somebody passes along some misinformation or we have third party involvement). My  children and I were in the healing process together and we were learning to be a new family, embrace life, love and worship God, build a new life. This is the good stuff. 

See, for so long I had been weighted down in my every day existence by the nightmare of living that had become our 'relationship plus others' that I couldn't breathe without wondering what the next curve ball would bring.

Suddenly, there was morning after mourning, breaking through night like a new day and I was alive, alert, and ready to heal; live, fly, forgive, move on, embrace my children; the future, the right now.

Oh my goodness - look at all the good stuff that is available for us. Even for you. Let's take a moment and just breathe, and heal.

Morning After Mourning

Talking about life after divorce can sometimes feel maudlin because we first have to deal with the divorce to get to the life after. Divorce is the death of something. It is the loss of a substantial relationship. It renders parties back to an acquaintance relationship, stripping all personal intimacies of their perceived value and/or impact. It nullifies the timeless effort put into nurturing said relationship. That is a lot to lose.

How are we supposed to recover, regroup and get back in the game after that?  We have to be active in grieving the loss and recovering our true selves. The relationship between my ex husband and me is functional because of the time I allowed myself to grieve this marriage.

Do you know how grief works? Whether it is a loss through death, divorce or any other kind, we will all experience loss and the stages of grieving are the same:

The Five Stages of Grief

Anger

'I am so mad that I put my time, my energy, and my trust into this relationship and this is how it turns out'. You may be angry at God, your spouse, the perceived enemy of your marriage (you know that ho...sorry I digress).

This is akin to the angry  you were when you cut up all of his underclothes and placed them neatly back in the drawer. Oh that was me. My bad. But you know what I mean about that level of anger.

I not only embraced this stage of mourning, I embodied it. I was mad as hell. On second thought, let me be truthful. There are moments when I get mad all over again. I have learned to toss that back to God like a hot potato, breath, and remember my life possibilities. I am less like to grow angry today than I was a year ago.

Anger is a mask for fear - what we sometimes fear in the case of divorce is that we have somehow failed. We also fear leaving what is familiar, no matter how bad it is, for what is unfamiliar. When you get past being angry, you can focus on what you fear comes next.

Bargaining

'God, if you do this, I will do that.' 'I promise I won't be over critical of the little things. I promise I won't nag.' Etc. and so on. It is likely that we will promise anything to salvage the crumbling pieces of our wedded bliss dream.

I not only bargained with God about this marriage, but with myself and my children. I didn't realize it at the time, but every minute I spent praying for this marriage to stay intact, with my bargaining tool being if I do everything right in the eyes of God He will save my marriage, I was bargaining the well being of the people I loved the most: my children, my self, and yes, even my ex.

Denial

This is not happening. It will all be worked out in just a little while. He will come to his true God given senses and recognize my worth; the worth of our family; his errant ways. Ima just wait and it will all work out fine. This is not the script of my life. 

Yeah, I gave denial a good run. The only problem is eventually I realized that yes, this was happening. Since all things work together for the good of those who love Christ and are called according to His name, I have to trust that this will work for my good, in the end.

Depression

You have every right to feel some sort of depression over the loss of your whole way of life and a significant love relationship. You feel lethargic, fatigued, not interested in life happening all around you. You may feel despondent, a change in eating habits, grooming habits, sexual desire, social participation. You may feel an overwhelming guilt at what you consider your failure, and have questions of why you are not enough for the ex. You may question your qualities, attractiveness, physical prowess, intelligence - all kinds of enemy placed questions may inhabit your psyche.

I can't imagine a person living who has not felt the sting of this stage. It is a natural response to loss - why would you not feel depression over losing something that had such merit in your life? The biggest issue I faced was the people around me determining when and why I was depressed. When I wasn't depressed, the Sanders Family Hotline deemed me depressed and inconsolable.  When I was depressed the Sanders Family Therapy Guru's prescribed I get up and do something with myself. My sincere advice is that if you feel depressed, allow yourself experience it. Remind yourself of who you are and whose you are often. Get a mantra. You cannot circumvent the stages of grief. If not now, when?

*Note: If your depression continues for weeks, see your Doctor. You need some help that you cannot provide for yourself.

Acceptance

It is what it is and that is all. This really has happened and I have to embrace life in a new way. It won't ever be the same, it will be different.

This is the prized stage of grieving and it is hard to come by. I had to work hard to get to here, and I work hard to stay here, as well. Every single day it becomes easier to do that, and because of it, I am living a fully divorced life.

Because we have children, acceptance means I can maintain a positive relationship with their father that benefits all of us. Whether or not he has danced with the grief stages or not, I bring positive insight into each encounter we have.



I do still believe in marriage. I believe in the contract, the covenant, the relationship and the sanctity of marriage. Even though society makes it seem like the normal thing for two people who don't like each other to do, divorce is huge.

I counsel married folk to consider the consequences carefully and wisely when divorce is in the conversation. Pray about it, talk about it, seek counseling if both parties are willing - fight for your marriage. I did.

God hates divorce. He even hates my divorce. Plus, no one else will live with the burden of the decision, so no other should have any decision making power in the middle of a storm at high sea.

My best advice, though, is to folk who are divorced. Grieve this relationship. When your grieving is done, you will experience a new day like the arrival of Spring after a particularly horrific winter.
Start learning what you like, what you want, and how to get it. Start moving toward your goals and your purpose. Don't wallow in pity while you grieve, live life to the fullest. Do some things you have never done but always wanted to try. Get some support from somebody who has been there or at least is a trained grief counselor. But know deep within yourself that weeping only endures for a night. Joy comes after mourning.