Are we fighting? O Hayle No...

Sometimes we have disagreements, even in divorce. Usually, these disagreements are based in part in the source of the divorce. We are reminded how we got here to begin with. Pray and work. Work and pray. It is still an evolving relationship. 

It is statistically true - crimes are about money, sex or power. Of those three things, two of them are usually intrinsic - money and power. Divorce issues are no different. They are either passionate about money, sex or power. Let me cut to the chase where mine is concerned: money, sex, power.

It is time for school to begin anew for my kids. That means tuition finalized, new uniforms, school supplies, daily packed lunches, field trips, club fees, sports equipment, tutoring, etc.

I allowed my ex-husband to provide a very low amount of child support for the first two years so that he could get on his feet, economically, and with the agreement that he would help with extras, i.e. - school tuition, uniforms, club fees, etc. In his mind, he does help with those things, quite a bit. Probably even more than half. On a cold day in hell, that is just as true as it is in his mind.

Regular visitation? That has never worked. He sees the kids when it fits his schedule. I don't complain, because I don't make excuses for other human beings, therefore it does not reflect on me. That is a whole 'nother blog. Let me show you the money.

Ridiculous child support comes anytime after the 1st and 15th of the month. Although those are his pay dates, it could come on the 9th, 12th, 17th or 23rd. It is so unreliable and insignificant that I don't count it as household income. Most times I use it to buy whatever things the kids have been in dire need of since the last little check came.

I get phone call promises all the time of how much financial help the ex is going to be in the next two weeks, month, two months, future date to be announced. I allow them to slide right out of the ear not attached to the phone. They are invalid.

This is not to say he never helps outside of child support. He does. Last year he took our 6 year old to get soccer cleats and socks. He bought both of their mattresses, and he gives them pocket money from time to far in between time. He bought the boy a bike.

Meanwhile, our daughter had a summer math camp that was not free; he couldn't help with that. Our kids have a remaining tuition amount to pay for the upcoming school year, plus uniforms, school supplies, soccer and drama fees, and uniforms. He has $125 on all of that. All I hear is pennies dropping in the bottom of a barrel. I just kind of hold my peace and my breath, while imaging holding my piece.

Come February, he will definitely have more on everything. It is going to be cold outside and in Child Support court. Yes, that means for about 2 months we may not be able to have a civilized conversation, because he will be angry I took it that far, and I will be angry he forced me to have someone else illustrate his responsibility for the children I clothe, feed, pay medical care for, spend hours teaching, nurturing, loving, and raising.

The irony of the whole situation is the amount of time he spends telling me how much he helps me with our kids. How much financially he aids me in taking care of them, and how good he is at caring for them. And he believes what he is saying. I remind myself not to talk poorly about this man in front of his children or to myself, and to treat him as a person of value.

The truth is, I may see the $125, and I may not. The reality is, I am not depending on it a at all. I am depending on my day in court. That is all.

Is it Time for Dating?

Is it time to start dating? I feel ambiguous about the whole idea. Some days I don’t feel attractive and think of all the work I would need to do to feel that way, and still at others I feel like a relationship would be bondage. Who returns to bondage after being freed? 

I like the company of men, love talking to them within the ease of friendship. I am happy with that. I feel calm in the place I am in, concentrating on raising two children and giving them my undivided attention in a loving and undisturbed home environment. 

But is it time for me to date again? To think about giving myself to a man? Well, I have thought about givvvving myself to a man, but you know what I mean.

There are so many things I miss about being married. Okay. One. Maybe two. The point is, I can count them all on one hand. Unless I count how many times I miss one of them, then I would need a few people’s hands and toes. Ha.

I miss regular and spontaneous sex. I miss visiting family in other cities and States and family trips. I love road trips. I miss some of my family who deserted, but I suppose I am better off without fair-weather maniacs. Oh, and extra income. I think that is it.

And random cuddling. I could have bought a Bichon Frise but I would have had to clean up after that bitch too. 

Here is my point – I miss the idea of a family unit, more than I miss the missing person from that unit. We have a new unit now – my children and I. I almost shudder at the thought of having anyone interrupt our symmetry. 

I don’t want to compromise my routine or share the time that is for my children. I don’t want to share the desires and dreams of another person, outside of my siblings, and my couple of very best friends in all of the ages, unless I am being paid very well to do so. Even then, only during work hours, and with reasonable restrictions.  (Did anyone else notice how many times the word "I" was used in the last two paragraphs? Only reinforces my points.)

I would like to have someone to go to a nice event with, or with whom regular and sometimes spontaneous but also very safe sex could be had (yes, I know that is not in line with the Word). At least that person who would serve as a great escort to fundraisers, dinners, and as dinner.

When I was young, there were several bachelors who lived near my family. These men never married. They were always nice to us girls, in an older Uncle kind of way. They very rarely bought women to the bachelor pad. They seemed most happy with their lives. The world was different then. 

Maybe I am on the way to getting ready to being almost ready to date in a serious way. Clearly, I am only ready for fun. Is that still allowable?