Mommy is not your friend...

I woke up this morning feeling burdened because I had to make a decision that would disappoint my teenage daughter.  I went through so many changes - I felt inadequate, burdened, lacking. I knew that in the scheme of things it was not that big, but for me in that moment it was huge; as it was for her.

Since I had tried so hard to make it happen, I decided to pray about it and ask God for direction. I felt like there was a message I was missing.  It can get a little bit tricky when you are the good parent, the bad parent, and all the parent most of the time. I felt God was telling me to share with my daughter my own disappointment in not being able to give her everything she wants, but also share with her how important it is for me to be able to give her everything she needs.

I went to church in Cleveland, Ohio, and the church building reminded me of being a child in service. The Sunday school lesson was led by a church mother with just enough spark under her fervor for the Lord to excite everybody about learning God's lesson: God has a ministry for each of us. Just after Sunday school, we found out one of the loyal church members sister, who the Pastor was set to visit after service in the hospice, had passed away.

After praying and consoling each other, we went into communion service, where the message from the Pastor was exactly what the Lord would have delivered to the people who had loved one who had passed on from labor to rest. How could the Pastor have known and planned this perfect sermon for today? She didn't, but God did. That message was that no matter what the situation looks like, this is not the end of the story.

That was in essence what I wanted to share with my daughter. I wanted to tell her that I was disappointed that I couldn't give her what she wanted. More than that, I was hurt that she would be hurt and sad. But it wasn't the end of the story. There would be more opportunities for her to experience joy in this lifetime, more chances for me to give her above and beyond what she had asked for or thought possible. This wasn't the end of the story.

However, even the best laid plans....

When I went to tell my daughter how sorry I was, she began to tell me how unfair it was...I expected this, because she is a teenager. Then, she began to tell me how her expectations were not met. She begin to talk of how this is what she always gets and it is what she should have and it is not right or fair that she doesn't have it.

While she was talking I thought about what lengths I was willing to go through to get for her what she wanted, even humbling myself to people who took pleasure in knowing how much it cost me to do so. And for this attitude of entitlement and ingratitude. God was showing me what I had to see about how far I was willing to go to appease an ungrateful child. I was out of order, and the words of an elder in Sunday school rung back through my heart. "Grandfather disciplined us with the word. He never lifted a finger. But he tore us up with the Word. These kids today don't get that." Woooah Nelly. Jesus take the reigns, because I am surely driving the wrong direction, right and now.

I am sure she could tell when I stopped speaking that something had gone clearly wrong in our conversation. I was in a different conversation with Jesus. I was asking Him to give me the words that would bring new life instead of scar beyond recognition the life that had already been put in my hands to shape and mold.

I took stock of the situation. My child is bible trained. She can quote scripture, but more than that, she comprehends the Word of God. I told my child that while she is still mine, in no way shape or form is she entitled to all of the accoutrements that she has experienced in her life thus far. I will not spare the rod to spoil you. "These amenities have come at the behest of my sweat and labor, and sometimes tears, and only because I want to give you the very best life has to offer when it is within my reach to do so.

However, the only expectation placed before me while you are in my care is that you maintain breath so that you can fulfill your purpose before these last days expire upon this earth. You, child, need to think before you speak. You need to use the mind that God has given you to think about the things that proceed out of your mouth, because the betray what is hidden in your heart, and then people know what kind of heart you have. What is in your heart?"

I looked at my child, little entitled self absorbed child that she is at this moment, and waited for anything. She said 'I want to sit here for a while'. I let her sit.

(Note: By this, her 13th year of life, she is accustomed to the fact that when I really need to get something out, the way I talk changes. I can't be bothered to break my thoughts down into simple words. I have to talk the way my brain thinks. This is probably why she had such a dangerous vocabulary by the time she was 7 years old.)

It is hard sometimes being a divorced parent. Some things I have to figure out on my own without any earthly help. But with God? I know this is but a brief moment and a teachable one for me and my daughter. We both found out some today.

On another note, before my little girl even got to her room to think about herself, her cousin was here to pick her up to go over another cousins house, and her grandmother had called for her. She wants her to call for a private conversation between "me and her". Yes, this is why she feels entitled right now. Jesus help. But in the midst of all this spoiling, there is a teachable moment. What is in your heart, child of God?

Can a Divorce be a Success?

A friend of mine recently told me that marriages have hard times but you have to work through them and keep going. I wisely agreed and continued listening without giving any advice. This friend went on to say that all relationships experience some rough patches, but its up to the people involved to work it out, between the two of them, and not let what they want dissipate because of a mountain or a molehill. I thought he was preaching really good. I said, Amen.

He had the right to preach this sermon. His relationship has been through more than some rough patches, it has been through barbed wire and back again, and he has been willing to work it out. He got me to thinking, wondering if maybe I should have been more willing to work it out, per se, when my husband was a repeat offender for the umpteenth time but with evidence suggesting he was escalating his carelessness in offensiveness.

I sat down with myself and some coconut yogurt plus Jesus and said 'self, rehash the situation'. I am a forgiving person. Incredibly so. I have forgiven my ex-husband for the atrocious behaviors and painful scars he wrought upon me and my children. We have a great divorced parent relationship even today. Yet, I realize that had we not separated when we did, he would not be in the redeemed state that he has found through Christ Jesus right now.

I had to recalculate. As a Christian there is only one viable reason to leave a marriage: adulterous behavior to which no reconciliation can be had. My husband had been forgiven for his cheating several times and not only did his ways remain intact, they escalated. He had two children outside of our marriage. I ceased sexual activity with him, and sought separation. All in line with the Word of God.

Sometimes a kid doesn't think the candy store will ever close. Even if it closes they believe it will open when they through a tantrum, or wait out the renovations. But sometimes the sugar just needs to be cut out of their diet so they can get well. That was the case with him. He needed to lose everything he had so he could finally call on the only one he knew who could help him up from the bottom he had reached. Jesus.

That was a long climb back up. One I didn't get in the way of with my enabling Spirit. At one time, this man ran hard for the streets. Now he runs hard for Christ.

I couldn't have fixed him. Only God could do that. Once he felt fixed, he remarried. Here is a crucial lynch pin. It takes both parties in a marriage to make it over hurdles and through mountains. If one is going a different direction, it's a done deal.

But God's promise is to continue the work He began until the coming of Christ Jesus, so He kept working in my ex husband, and he grew past that point of unwise decisions and sitting amount the counsel of unwise people,

Now, we can work toward raising our children as divorced parents in the love of Christ. Of course it is not magic - he still has character flaws and I am still perfect as I always was...but since he can see that better now everything works more smoothly. Just kidding. The relationship is different but it is overshadowed by the wisdom of Christ Jesus.

So, after all of that reflection I decided that my friend was right. Some marriages do succeed at overcoming many hurdles, especially when both parties are in the fight. Yet, while some marriages don't make it through the storms of life intact, they can still make it through successfully if the end result is salvation, which is God's intended goal for all of His children. 

The Great Man Drain

Okay, yes, I was a hot emotional unhealthy mess when my bro died. It was two weeks after my divorce was final, a week after my birthday, and I can say in retrospect, two weeks before the ex was remarried. I still looked incredible on the outside, if I do say so myself (and I will); but inside and in the comfort of home, I was unstable and emotional.

I think this is why my sister dragged me to Griefshare. After that first week, I went back. When it was time to greet the others, I said

 “I am Elizabeth. Of course, I am Theresa’s sister, and I am grieving the murder of my brother in law. I think I am also grieving my father, my father in law, both of my grandmothers, and my husband. My husband is not dead yet, but we are divorced. That is kinda similar.”  

There were chuckles and smiles, and also tears.

But I knew something I had not known – suppressed grief does not go away. There is no value to suppressing grief over anything or anyone who has passed through your life. Grieving is a step in healing – one cannot exist without the other.

My good friend Allison once told me that I walked in grief for my Dad for at least 7 years. Each one of those years felt like I was living, but when I realized how much I was not; when God unveiled that which I could handle anew; I could see the truth in retrospect.

Here is the thing – God never gave me more than I could bear. Because He knew I was not able to bear the full capacity of the grief I felt without first growing closer to Him and then having support, He kept it behind a veil. When I was ready, He put me in the right place at the right time and drew back the veil.

I had a little anger with him about it, too. I wanted to know why he would take almost every strong, safe protecting man from my life. Who does that? I wanted to know why He would let my brother in law die in the manner that he did, and leave my sister without her husband and my niece without her dad. I asked Him too. You can do that you know – ask God what you want to know. He hears and He will answer.

I can say this because I know it. God showed me how when my father died, the service was standing room only. My mother hired an extra limousine to carry all the young men in the neighborhood whose lives he had touched. A Sony executive called us because my Dad was the only one who gave him the time and a chance when he was just a young man. My sister girl, Diane, was ready to come home from Turkey where she was stationed for the service, because he had touched her in this way. 

He showed me how a humble man who just loves God can touch the hearts of many and draw them to the light in Him which is Christ. Then I was lead to reflect on the scripture where Jesus says that we will do greater works than He in the earth. God impressed upon me that the works Jesus did are directly related to the Father/Son/Holy Spirit relationship.

Next God broke it down like this for me:

Larry, my brother in law, had been a son to my father who only had daughters. He had watched and learned from my father as well as the other young men, but with a special bond. When Larry gave his life to Christ, he was then bound to do greater works in the earth than even my father. He held onto His salvation and to Christ with every fiber and He exuded Christ in his daily walk.

When Larry died, not only was there standing room only, but the witness of his life had touched people who called from other countries, who worked in the same office as the President of the University, and lived throughout his community, and who had WATCHED his journey to and through salvation. His death was documented on both local and national news, and caused the changing of dangerous policy. People who had seen him at his worst and best times found out something new about God through the light of Christ that lived in his son, Larry.

God reminded me then of His one goal: to redeem us by Jesus saving grace that we may be restored to a right relationship with God and spend eternity in His presence, for which we were created.

I miss my men. It be’s that way when you are accustomed to being a Princess. My mother is not quite aware of what Princess status means. I have been trying to help her with that for 12 years now. She is a lost cause. I have one brother in law now, and my sisters and I call him ‘our husband’. He can’t help but walk closer to Christ because otherwise, he is NOT gonna make it with the demands of these women in this family. He’s so graceful under pressure.

I remember the words of a song we sing at church: And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me. It comes from the scripture in John 12:32 which says the very same. In context, that particular chapter talks about how Christ has walked among the people, done miracles, performed signs and wonders, and the people STILL don't believe who He is. Yet a little later, in Mark 25, there was a woman who had an issue of blood for 12 years. She had not walked with Jesus, but she had heard of Him (because people had talked of Him and lifted Him up) and knew in her being that He was the one who could heal her and make her whole. She pressed through all of the obstacles to get to Him just to touch the HEM of His garment.

12 years is long enough for a healing, and to be made whole.

I thank God that the lives and deaths of the men in my family served a higher purpose, and left a living legacy. So many times, we forget God’s objective in our lives, besides to love us, save us from our own mess, and provide for us. He is trying to get us back home and with a good report.

Alright - I will post again in a couple of days. We can't dialog if you don't leave a comment! Or email me. I have to tell you about so much that has happened during this walk. Just a note: I have not always been virtuous...don't tell anybody. I'll tell you about it in the next post.